(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) President Donald Trump and FLOTUS Melania Trump made an unannounced 3 AM excursion to the National Mall to seek the blessing of revered former Republican President Abraham Lincoln, according to a photo released by the White House this Monday morning.
(PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Local #207 of the Federation of Turd Polishers (FTP) has chosen “The Mainstream Media” as the recipient of their 2016 Golden Dookie Award, PNS has learned.
The union will cite the news media’s whitewashing of Donald Trump’s hate, xenophobia, racial prejudice, misogyny, lies, bullying, sexual assault, fraud, and foreign entanglements as “the new normal.”
“They polished the shit right off of that turd,” one FTP official told PNS.
Sworn testimony and company documents — ordered released by Indiana-born “Mexican judge” Gonzalo Curiel of the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of California — also revealed these Pocho Ocho Top Shameful Secrets of Trump University:
8. Trump University cafeteria’s “taco bowls” were based on a recipe rejected by Rick Bayless.
7. Trump University sales staffers (“admission counselors”) who didn’t make assigned quotas were dressed as gorillas and dropped off in Cincinnati.
6. Course outline for URBAN REAL ESTATE REDEVELOPMENT included a seminar entitled “Evicting a three-generation family business and replacing it with a chain retailer is easy if you just remember these three letters: K, K and K.”
Make America steak again!
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