Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has reintroduced legislation to take away federal benefits from same-sex married couples. But this troglodyte’s penedjitis is too advanced to stop at one stupid and hateful idea.
That’s right, there’s more — Ted Cruz’s Pocho Ocho Top Legislative Priorities for 2015:
8. Federal guidelines on subsidized school lunches for poor children shall encourage incorporation of nutritious roadkill meat, especially racoon. Now yer ‘coon is a touch on the greasy side, not sweet like ‘possum, but if you cook ’em up right, mmmmmmm, racoon!
7. Women banned from buying condoms because it curtails a Man’s Right to Reproduce.
6. Solar energy outlawed because it sucks the light right out of the Sun.
When news broke Friday that GOP presidential nominee wannabe Texas Governor Rick Perry (photo) was indicted on two counts of abuse of power, we were pissed off because we were in the middle of a conference call and didn’t that grand jury know our meeting schedule and publishing deadlines?
We realized later, however, that we had a treasure trove of Perry-ana that could be given fresh life on the Interwebs with a cool big-ass image of Perry, a clever headline and lots of SEO-friendly keywords.
POCHO proudly presents PREVIOUSLY ON INDICTED TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK PERRY THEATRE:
Why the kidsplosion on the border? Jon Stewart has the sad, and then explains why haters gonna hate. Spoiler: They’re haters.
(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Texas State Senator Dan Patrick, a Republican Lieutenant Governor wannabe, was named Pendejo of the Month Wednesday by the American Pochismo Institute (API.) The award followed his Univision debate Tuesday with San Antonio Mayor Julián Castro (photo.)
API’s designation, which is usually not revealed until the end of the month, was awarded Wednesday to Patrick for actions “Above And Beyond the Call of Douchery” after Patrick sent this Tweet Tuesday evening about how much he loves “Hispanics:”
Tea Partier Ted Cruz, the Canadian United States Senator (R-TX), hates avocados, the fruit of a tree native to Mexico and Central America, classified in the flowering plant family Lauraceae along with cinnamon, camphor and bay laurel.
We just learned from a blog post that this Canuckian “public servant” allegedly confessed his shameful prejudice in an interview last October, but sometime since then, the original evidence mysteriously disappeared.
(Crack Malaysian detectives are investigating the disappearance.)
Of course, this Grand Old Pendejo official has many other skeletors in his closet — the Pocho Ocho Other Things Sen. Ted Cruz Hates Besides Avocados:
8. LIFE cereal.
7. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
6. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons why:
PREVIOUSLY BY JIMWICH:
(PNS reporting from PASADENA) Bob Lowe recently discovered that — for some reason — he is disliked by all his coworkers.
He explained the confusing situation to PNS Wednesday afternoon as he poured himself the last cup of coffee, left the empty pot on the heating element, and walked away without making more.
“I just don’t get it, you know?” he said. “I mean, maybe I take peoples’ lunches sometimes, big deal, you know? What did you think was gonna happen if you left food in the fridge?”
Lowe’s officemates on the eleventh floor have complained to company Vice President of Human Resources Mike Cervantes numerous times about Lowe’s inability to keep deadlines, hapless attempts to get others to do his work, refusal to learn new things, terrible personal hygiene and general rudeness in the 10 months since he was hired, but to no avail.
Where is your 1968 college graduation photo? It’s not in your college yearbook, the University of Pennsylvania Record.
You’ve written that you were “very glad to get finished.” Too busy for a senior photo?
The Record also notes the Celebrity Apprentice performer comes from someplace called “Jamaica” in New York State, which doesn’t sound very American.
Come clean, Donald: Did you really graduate like you claim? And if you did, where is your photo? How about a diploma?
Otherwise, you’re fired!
Now that we know that GOP VP pick Paul “Unclear on the Details” Ryan loves anti-establishment (and anti-Ryan) L.A. pocho punk band Rage Against the Machine, we thought we’d check out what else is on his playlist.
Here are the Pocho Ocho most-played bands on the pendejo’s iPod:
8. Johnny Rebel
7. The Michelle Bachmann Corndog Quartet
6. Das Racist
The powerful guitarist of Rage Against the Machine has blasted a thunderous riff on Mitt Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan.
Ryan, in a typical blockheaded, know-nothing right wing move, has declared that the left wing, bomb-throwing, anti-establishment rock group (fronted by fellow pocho Zach de La Rocha) is his favorite band. Talk about not paying attention to details! (It must be hard to think when he works out with P90X to the powerful guitar rock rolas.)
Maybe this is why Ryan is painfully oblivious to the suffering going on in the U.S. when the uber wealthy continue to hoard all the money and leave the rest of us to scrape by.
Could be why he thinks giving tax cuts to the 1% and making the rest of us pay for it is a Christian act?
No wonder he does not flinch when people call him a “zombie-eyed Granny starver.” Maybe it’s not that he doesn’t care — maybe he has no pinche idea what is going on around him. Either way, it’s not exactly the kind of leadership the U.S. needs right now.
(PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Inspired by Mitt Romney’s apology for assaulting a long-haired commie prep school classmate, one of the undocumented gardeners Romney hired and then fired in 1996 has issued his own apology.
Berto Lopez, now working as a freelance arborist in Beverly Hills, regrets he once peed on the then-governor’s prized petunias.
“I did some rude things when I was younger,” he told PNS Thursday, “and if I hurt any of those plants, well then I am truly sorry.”
But Lopez denied the peeing and the firing were related. “I peed on the plants because Romney was a pendejo — how you say — douchebag:”
8. Anchor baby (noun) – Wait- this is an anti-Latino slur? FAIL. Seriously, this just makes us picture an infant so cute and fat we could use it for a boat anchor. Just chuck it in – kerPLOP! – you can drift and chug Coronas all afternoon. Do better, wingnuts.
7. Arpaio (proper noun) – Actually, we’d just like to banish this one from the government payroll, strip it down to its pink underwear and let it play where’s-the-soap for 99 to life.