City calm after white male terrorist Pokémon Go ban (video)

(PNS reporting from SANTA CHANCLA, CA) Streets were quiet here overnight as the city’s emergency ban on Pokémon Go went into effect at midnight.

Santa Chancla is the first city in California to ban Pokémon Go players within city limits, a ban authorized in response to widespread threats by white male terrorists.

“Every time you turn around some crazy young white guy is murdering someone — and these kids are running around in groups together? I don’t think so. Not in my town,” Mayor Juan Lopez told a press conference at City Hall this morning.

Mas…City calm after white male terrorist Pokémon Go ban (video)

Adventures of Kim Jong-Un: He so talent, he so strong (video, photos)

Just a few seconds into The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un, it’s clear he so talent, he so strong. Give the guy credit.

And before the Kimster blows us all to Hell, please enjoy these photos our reporter in North Korea (moi) smuggled out earlier this year:

Mas…Adventures of Kim Jong-Un: He so talent, he so strong (video, photos)

Breaking: Malaysian jet mystery prompts terrorist alert

pochlandiawidealertstatus(PNS reporting from the EAST LOS ANGELES) Pocholandia security officials issued a terrorist alert this morning prompted by the mysterious disappearance of Malaysia Airlines MH370 over the Gulf of Thailand or the Strait of Malacca or wherever that shit happened, yo.

“I am alerting you terrorist pendejos. Stay the hell out of East Los! said spokesman Gustavo “Little Lalo” Madrigal of the Minivan Crips, a volunteer neighborhood watch group.

“The AMERICAN ME ORANGE ALERT is the second highest alert classification used by the Pocholandia Security Advisory System, bitches, so watchale!” he added.

Graphics by Victor Payan via Hollywood Sign Generator and Personal Threat Level.


Mas…Breaking: Malaysian jet mystery prompts terrorist alert

GOP alerts Congressmen on vacay to ‘looming threat of liberalism’

boehnerplaysgolf(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) As the Republican-controlled House of Representatives left town for a five-week paid vacation, GOP leaders warned members returning to their home districts to be on high alert because of unspecified “threats of liberalism.”

“These liberals are out there with their ‘logic and facts and science,’ and all our malarkey will Ben Ghazi in our faces if we’re not careful,” Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) cautioned in a memo to his partisans Friday.

“Members are urged to stay close to their vacation retreats in gate-guarded communities, hunting lodges, country clubs and private marinas,” Boehner wrote, “and avoid potentially hazardous areas that may harbor liberals and their sympathizers. College campuses, where Republicans can easily get bamboozled by Improvised Intellectual Debates (IIDs), are particularly dangerous.”

Mas…GOP alerts Congressmen on vacay to ‘looming threat of liberalism’

Letter from Ex-MRS. POCHO: ‘All employees must vote for Romney’

Dear Employees of Pochismo, Inc.:

As most of you know, the company continues to grow in spite of the half-assed crap job you do. However, I can’t really expect you to be good at anything, considering my huevon ex-husband, MR. POCHO, is your boss. A piñata has better leadership skills than him. That is why I am taking the initiative to educate you about the upcoming election.

Currently, your lack of talent poses no threat to your job status. What does pose a threat is another four years of the Obamanation Administration.

Having been awarded a substantial portion of POCHO stock as part of our divorce settlement, I have a great interest in your financial well-being. MR. POCHO and I started this company almost 11 months ago and even though I am heiress to the Jupína soda fortune, I have put my duties of exotic travel and party-time debauchery on hold in order to focus on POCHO’s growth.

Mas…Letter from Ex-MRS. POCHO: ‘All employees must vote for Romney’