PETA: Mexican quinoa vs chia cartel wars hurt Fido, Fluffy

by Lucida Grandé on January 20, 2012 in El Now, Pocho Ñews Service

PETA AD: I CAN HAZ CHIA SEED?

(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Skyrocketing demand for “perfect foods” has fueled a war between the rival QuinoaTraficante and ChiaTraficante agricultural cartels as they fight for market dominance — and Fido and Fluffy are the latest “collateral damage.”

Texas People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) say recent attacks on Mexican chia seed production — apparently at the hands of rival-cartel-affiliated quinoa growers — have left thousands of area seed-deprived chia pets cold, shivering and hairless in the dark. PETA said this includes Fido and Fluffy, of Barton Creek, pictured (above) in the organization’s latest Web ad.

But Austin’s seedies have their own priorities.

“I’m all about the chia,” chia head Sal Amanda told PNS. “And I’m sorry about the puppies and kittehs, but when chia is outlawed, only outlaws will eat chia. We need to legalize it, meng!”

Others in the N. Lamar Boulevard Whole Foods parking lot weren’t so sure.

“Quinoa all the way, sure; I’m down with that,” said quinoa lover Frida “Hussein” Xolista, known on Facebook for her Quinoa? I just metoa! LGBT quinoa-fan foodie page.

“But,” she added, “animals are people, too!”

PETA’s Nancy LaChata estimated that attacks on chia plantations in the northwest Mexican state of Sonora last month resulted in the destruction of 32 metric tons of the little black buggers, which, if they’re not stuck between your teeth, could have provided enough body hair to shield  170,000 chia pets from harsh winter weather. Seed demand is typically highest around the traditional Christmas chia pet-giving season.

“Pretty soon, when you hear that ‘ch- ch- ch- chia’ jingle the next word is gonna be ACHOO as our formerly-furry friends succumb to la gripa, the shakes and the shits,” she said. “We don’t wanna go there.”

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of the Pocho Corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

{ 1 comment }

Obé Juan Xinobé January 20, 2012 at 9:33 AM

You managed to mock indigenous farmers, historic Mayan and Aztec crops, Mexico, honest people concerned about the food they eat and animals’ best friends all in one article?

You have succumbed to the Dark Side of the Schwartz.

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