BREAKING: Chipotle burrito confuses elderly Mexican man

chitpotlebillboardunclechipotle(PNS reporting from SACRAMENTO) Felipe Alvarez, 67, bit his tongue Tuesday afternoon.

The North Sacramento resident bit his tongue when his godson Tommy Alvarez (no relation) handed him a gold-foil-wrapped burrito from the trendy Chipotle Mexican Grill on Truxel Road. The metal-wrapped mystery meal, however, never made it to his mouth.

Don Felipe (photo) could not quite bring himself to bite the “burrito.”

“Que tiene adentro?” he asked Tommy, afraid of the answer.

A California resident for 20 years, Felipe was accustomed to the so-called “California burrito” – refried beans, “Spanish” rice, processed cheese, some wicked salsa, and maybe even French fries. “I’m a modern man y bastante liberal,” he told PNS.

The aroma of this burrito, however, was entirely unfamiliar.

chipotletranslogoTommy recounted the components of the burrito to his padrino: Sofritas, lettuce, brown rice, black beans and vinaigrette.

“Padrino, you need to watch your health. Those gorditas are making you gordito. I just want you to live forever,” Tommy said, munching on the tortilla chips.

Bystanders report that Felipe and Tommy discussed the origins of “sofritas” for approximately 25 minutes.

“You could tell that old dude was real freaked out by the burrito,” said Henry Louis, a fellow Chipotle customer, who was saving half his burrito for his beloved dog Fluffy Wuffy.

“The old dude just kept stroking his mustache and looking into the distance.”

“No pus…no tiene carne? Que es tofu?” asked Felipe, trying to be polite.

Felipe told PNS that his own wife, Reina, sometimes tried new things in the kitchen. He cited several instances where had eaten a meal “without even one tortilla”.

However, eating a meal without meat seemed futile and sad.

“I was really hoping my padrino could enjoy this Chipotle. I just didn’t want to go to another restaurant where the waitress called me ‘mijo.’ Jesus, I didn’t think it’d be such a big deal,” said Tommy.

Felipe and Tommy both refrained from mentioning last May’s “Froyo Incident” when Felipe got frustrated by the self-serve machines, exploding boba, and mochi. After that fiasco, godfather and godson did not see each other again for an entire year. This time, the two decided to just drink Coronas and stare silently at futbol on TV the next time they hung out.

“Que tiene de malo un raspado de tamarindo?” Felipe asked, recalling the Froyo Incident. “Y que tiene de malo un pinche burrito de carne asada? Cuales porquerias son estas? That wasn’t a burrito!”

Witnesses report Tommy ended up taking Felipe’s untouched burrito home to his roommate who was always “down for whatevs.”

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo, Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.



Thank you Don Cheto for the use of your photo. ❤️