SRSLY? Lame-ass pick-up lines of would-be Latino lovers

The first time a man made a sexual advance to me – some random guy on the other side of the street – I was 13.  Yes, although I hadn’t even started shaving my legs, I was already trying to figure out how to deal with sexual weirdos. Such tender memories.

If I recall correctly, his exact words, or sounds, were something like “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!!!” While I was not touched, I was a little bit freaked out, as I wasn’t quite sure what, exactly, this man was trying to convey.

As I’ve grown older, I must admit that I still have no idea what men are trying to convey with their various grunts, growls, exclamations, gritos, and other vocalizations from afar. In any case, here are my top five favorite such lines and body language contortions:

  • The “Woooo hooooooo!” drive-by
  • The classic whistle — either long, short, or staccato.
  • The “hiss,” which may be characterized by one long hiss, several small hisses, or a slow, almost melodic, barrage of hisses.
  • My first, “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!” not to be confused with “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!” This latter cry may also take the form of, “¡Ajúa!” with longer, or shorter vowels.
  • Then there’s the one that needs no introduction: the crotch grab. While these other forms of persuasion leave much to the imagination, the crotch grab goes for broke and makes intentions known with no room for interpretation.

With such mating rituals firmly in place in modern society, it’s a wonder I’m still single.

Sara Inés also reports she doesn’t “look Mexican.”