(PNS reporting from SILICON VALLEY) The Internets slowed to a virtual crawl yesterday as millions of experts in Constitutional Law and The Holy Bible took to Twitter and Facebook to educate ignorant netizens about the God-hating freedom-attacking Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage.
“It was definitely a brownout, dude,” according to 18-year-old Jaime “Twitchy” Loftwich, who runs the worldwide computer network from the basement of his mom’s home in Palo Alto. “Hella load,” he emailed PNS. “I haven’t seen ping times like that since Kim Kardashian was rushed to Cedars-Sinai!”
“I was trying to get to CraigsList.com to see if that girl responded to my “Missed Connections” post about how she had green eyes and a parrot on her shoulder on the boardwalk in Venice Beach and I was the guy with dreads selling patchouli incense,” frustrated Starbucks WiFi user Wil W complained on the forums at ThisShitisFuckedUpBrah.info.
“I never even got past the Starbucks login page to CL. That girl had a special aura, dammit. I don’t care if she was covered with bird shit. The gays are oppressing me!”
Meanwhile, highly-trained NOC monkeys at the NSA’s massive data mining center in Utah were having trouble keeping their bit buckets from filling up and overflowing, according to experts monitoring the situation from Sheremetyevo Airport outside Moscow.
“We have 1’s and 0’s everywhere,” one frantic internal NSA email read. “People are slipping in the puddles of data, Vine videos just won’t stop and our direct pipe from Facebook is showing nothing but rainbows.”
Rainbows were not on the Bible/Constitutional experts’ minds, however, since the world is sinking into a LAKE OF BURNING HELL-FIRE.
Pastor Ken summed it up this way (we think he meant to say “our Nation” not “out Nation,” however. Forgiving his trespass is the Christian thing to do):
The SCOTUS rulings today continue the moral erosion our great Nation in severe decline! Out nation will never be the same again!
— Pastor Ken Williams (@ken6061williams) June 26, 2013
Christian rock bass guitar player Mike Huckabee reported the reaction of Our Lord and Savior, since Jesus doesn’t have his own Twitter account:
My thoughts on the SCOTUS ruling that determined that same sex marriage is okay: “Jesus wept.”
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) June 26, 2013
Shane Hall quoted King David:
“On every side the wicked prowl, as vileness is exalted among the children of man.” Psalm 12:8 #SCOTUS
— Shane Hall (@ShaneHall84) June 26, 2013
Thank Godwin the Christians have not yet been forced to wear yellow stars nor have they been sent to the ovens, BUT YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED:
SCOTUS today dehumanized supporters of natural marriage. Did the same thing to pro-family folks the Nazis did to Jews.
— Bryan Fischer (@BryanJFischer) June 26, 2013
Los Angeles Internets envigilator voidmstr said the traffic was only the most recent manifestation of voidmstr’s law:
“Bandwidth,” he texted PNS, “expands to fit the waste available.”