[Toon by Donkey Hotey. Some rights reserved.]
POCHO amigo Chris Garcia — a Cuban-American — is going public with the Cuban Life Hacks that turned his family’s hard life in a Commie dictatorship into Heaven on Earth, with arroz con pollo.
PREVIOUSLY ON CHRIS GARCIA:
That Aguadilla, Puerto Rico UFO video’d by Uncle Sam in 2013: Was it a balloon? A plane? A bird? None of the above? How did it fly INTO AND OUT OF THE WATER? It sure is like nothing UFO “experts” have seen before.
Drones are chasing our Emeritus Editor Elise Roedenbeck (she’s @buttronica on the Tuiter) for all the wrong reasons. Here’s how she hides, and how you can hide too. [Editor’s note: I can’t tell you the right reason because then Ms. Buttronica would have to kill me and I think that could be quite painful.]
There’s nothing wrong with any of these state-of-the-art electronic spying devices we picked up at the NSA year-end auction. They’re new, they’re still in the original packaging and they are the very best in the world, except for one thing:
They are last year’s models.
That’s just not the way your National Security Agency rolls.
So check out these two items just released for sale (click to enlarge) and if you want to see more, click on the big link below.
(PNS reporting from LA PAZ) Bolivian Pres. Evo Morales is angry that the United States “racially-profiled” his jet as it was leaving a conference in Moscow and forced it to land in Austria, the whitest country in Europe.
Bolivian Foreign Minister David Choquehuanca, who was mistaken for Morales at a press conference in Vienna, said the incident last week was a clear case of racial profiling, as the first question authorities asked the pilot when they landed was, “Do you know why we pulled you over?”
Austria charged the plane matched the description of another plane that was suspected of smuggling fugitive U.S. intelligence leaker Edward Snowden out of Russia, and that its tail light was out, according to Choquehuanca.
(PNS reporting from SILICON VALLEY) The Internets slowed to a virtual crawl yesterday as millions of experts in Constitutional Law and The Holy Bible took to Twitter and Facebook to educate ignorant netizens about the God-hating freedom-attacking Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage.
“It was definitely a brownout, dude,” according to 18-year-old Jaime “Twitchy” Loftwich, who runs the worldwide computer network from the basement of his mom’s home in Palo Alto. “Hella load,” he emailed PNS. “I haven’t seen ping times like that since Kim Kardashian was rushed to Cedars-Sinai!”
In Peru, love hurts. Next step: Couples counseling?
(ALBUQUERQUE, NM) The Feds have arrested a man who allegedly threatened to detonate a bomb-filled burrito (artist’s conception, right) in the FBI office here, a man who has claimed that he was personally the subject of government spying.
His shocking accusation?
Uncle Sam AKA Tio Sam implanted brain-tapping equipment in his cabeza.
Brian DeMarco, 50, a resident of the Super 8 Motel off of Coors Boulevard, revealed to authorities that the government “placed a tracking device inside his head” in addition to “beaming photons.”
If confirmed, his allegation would dovetail perfectly with a POCHO Mexclusive story about how the National Security Agency (NSA) has outsourced surveillance of Americans in border states to the Mexican Security Agency (MSA.)
It’s hard to make a living as a Communist car thief in the Republic of Cuba; there aren’t many cars worth stealing. But every once in a while a hard-working Marxist-Leninist scores a sweet European import, like this stylin’ Fiat. And don’t worry about hot-wiring the ignition, either, Comrade. From each according to his ability; to each according to his need.