President Barack Obama will defy Republican haters tonight and reveal “executive actions” to “fix the broken immigration system.”
Our sources at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue have shared a copy of the 5 PM EST speech and we can now reveal the Pocho Ocho top immigration reforms you’ll hear in the President’s address to the Nation:
8. If Central American child refugees can pat their heads and rub their tummies at the same time, they can cut in line.
7. Families of DREAMers are OK to stay if they mow the lawn.
6. Badges, stinking or otherwise, no longer needed.
5. A Mexican national in the U.S. without papers is entitled to a state driver’s license provided her ranfla and/or bomba rides low and slow and she doesn’t subcontract the hooptie to those douches at UBER.
4. Puerto Ricans will still be considered American citizens.
3. Kenya is now the 51st State.
2. The upcoming Interstellar “director’s cut” must include corn tortillas on the dinner table.
And the numero uno new executive action Obama will announce is…
Gas, ass or grass now accepted in lieu of papers at all Border Patrol stations.
Lalo Alcaraz, Maria Purisima, ElEresNerd and Comic Saenz contributed to this report.