Pocho Ocho top ways to tell if your new neighbors are terrorists

pinholeThose new neighbors, you know, those people down the hall or across the street — where do they come from? What’s that crazy moon language? What are they up to? If you see something, say something.

Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways to Tell If Your New Neighbors Are Terrorists:

8. Since sunset on Sunday, they’ve been burning more and more candles every night and singing in a Middle Eastern language.

7. They instruct their children — even pre-K kids — in violent martial arts, regularly staging practice backyard executions where children swinging war sticks decapitate colorful paper effigies strung up for torture.

6. Suspiciously clean-cut young men in shirts and ties living in the house regularly head out on bikes for neighborhood surveillance, knock on doors to see who is home, and take copious notes after every encounter.

Mas…Pocho Ocho top ways to tell if your new neighbors are terrorists

Latina Heritage Month Patriot Alert: Obama’s Iran Deal Disrespects You

feypalinYou don’t lift sanctions.

You crack down on their assets.

You cut off their oil and drill, baby, drill for our own.

We don’t retreat. We reload against any foe daring to test us.

And that is what Iran just did.

So, Congress, you got to kill the deal. The president is playing you. He so disrespects you, Congress, and our Constitution, that he won’t even bring you the treaty.

Mas…Latina Heritage Month Patriot Alert: Obama’s Iran Deal Disrespects You

Gustavo Arellano to UC Riverside grads: ‘You are secular saints’

gusgradSaturday morning, I had the honor of giving the commencement speech at UC Riverside’s College of Arts, Humanities, and Social Sciences for their Sociology, Philosophy, Neuroscience, and Psychology students (what a mouthful!).

Following are my prepared remarks, which I mostly hewed to. I did begin my speech with an explanation of what ustedes and y’all meant, and the pocos pero locos line was improvised and laughed at by about three people.

Anyhoo, enjoy!

Let’s start with an experiment, shall we?

I want all the psychology majors to stand up? Applaud them, por favor, for getting to this special day.

Mas…Gustavo Arellano to UC Riverside grads: ‘You are secular saints’

Pocho Ocho top immigration actions Obama will reveal tonight

thistallPresident Barack Obama will defy Republican haters tonight and reveal “executive actions” to “fix the broken immigration system.”

Our sources at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue have shared a copy of the 5 PM EST speech and we can now reveal the Pocho Ocho top immigration reforms you’ll hear in the President’s address to the Nation:

8. If Central American child refugees can pat their heads and rub their tummies at the same time, they can cut in line.

7. Families of DREAMers are OK to stay if they mow the lawn.

6. Badges, stinking or otherwise, no longer needed.

Mas…Pocho Ocho top immigration actions Obama will reveal tonight

Breaking: Obama plans ‘I Have A Drone’ speech

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) White House sources have confirmed that Pres. Barack Obama will deliver an “I Have A Drone” speech Wednesday to commemorate the the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s historic “I Have A Dream” speech at the 1963 March on Washington.

The news has already sent shock waves through both the African-American and civil rights communities.

They are incensed that Obama, the first black president, has presided over the gutting of the Voter Rights Act, massive domestic surveillance, the use of drones on U.S. soil, record deportations, widespread human trafficking, the attack on women’s rights, the acquittal of vigilante killer George Zimmerman and an upcoming tsunami of voter disenfranchisement laws.

The President was also blasted by outspoken national civil rights leader Emiliano Zapata Shabazz-Jones, who called him a “Tom Turkey of avuncular proportions” due to his administration’s poor civil rights record.

Mas…Breaking: Obama plans ‘I Have A Drone’ speech

Defense contractors on immigration bill: ‘Time to get a new Beemer’

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) The Senate’s approval of a bipartisan “immigration reform” bill Thursday — a bill which Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) says will create “the most militarized border since the Berlin Wall” — has defense contractors talking, and drooling.

The hot topic? The untold millions of dollars that may become available if Uncle Sam gets serious about “security.”

It’s the inevitable transition, cynics say, from Eisenhower’s old-school military-industrial complex to the new Post-Millennial MIGRA-Industrial Complex. But government contractors and suppliers have a more nuanced view.

Mas…Defense contractors on immigration bill: ‘Time to get a new Beemer’

LOLS: Siri talks to Google Voice who talks to Siri who talks to… (video)


A student at Pratt in New York set up a text-to-speech-to-text loop and the results are amazing and funny. We’ll let Michael Silber explain:

PROCESS

  1. I recorded the audio of Siri reading a selection of text.
  2. I placed a call to myself and played the Siri audio recording into my Google Voice voicemail.
  3. I instructed Siri to read the new Google Voice transcription, including any errors, and recorded a new audio clip.
  4. I placed a call to myself and played the new Siri audio recording back into my Google Voice voicemail.

— I repeated these steps for 50 iterations.

Mas…LOLS: Siri talks to Google Voice who talks to Siri who talks to… (video)

Heya morons! Click HERE for Obama immigration speech transcript

We know some of you are morons or racists or both. Different strokes, meng, different strokes. It’s cool. Here’s a transcript of the speech on immigration that Bronco Bama just delivered in Las Vegas, translated into easy-to-understand Moron. Just for you!

(APPLAUSE)

Dank you. It is good t’ be back in Las Begas.

And it is good t’ be among so many good friends. Let – let me start off by dankigg ebehybody at Del Sol High School f’ hostigg us.

(APPLAUSE)

Go Dragons. Let me especial dank your outstandigg principal, Lisa Primos (ph).

(APPLAUSE)

Dehe are all kinds of notaggle guests hehe, uh uh uh, but I dgust want t’ minion a few. Firss of all, our outstandigg secret of de Departmin of Homeland Security, Dganet Napolitano, is hehe.

Mas…Heya morons! Click HERE for Obama immigration speech transcript

Pocho Ocho zingers dropped from Obama’s Inaugural Address

That was quite a speech, eh? President Bronco Bama rocked the Inaugural Address. Of course, what he didn’t say is as important as what he did.

Here are the pocho ocho zingers dropped from the final espeech:

8. I want to reach across the aisle to our Republican friends and propose the No Mullet Left Behind Act of 2013

7. This is the year we must win the War on Uggs

6. You and I as citizens agree: Everything is better with bacon

Mas…Pocho Ocho zingers dropped from Obama’s Inaugural Address

Victorious Hugo Chavez to Americans: ‘Back my socialist amigo Obama’

(PNS reporting from CARACAS) Hugo Chavez — re-elected to a third six-year term as president of Venezuela — has again called on Americans to re-elect Pres. Barack Obama.

In a four-hour televised speech to his nation late Sunday, Chavez called Obama the best hope for Socialism in the Western Hemisphere. The left-wing strong man had previously endorsed the President in September.

“El Obama deserves your support, gringos,” he said in a rare foray into English. “He may not admit to being a Marxist-Leninist but inside he is as red as your Danny Glover and Oliver Estone. “

Mas…Victorious Hugo Chavez to Americans: ‘Back my socialist amigo Obama’

@MexicanMitt on the DNC: THAT CONVENTION ESUCKED!

COMO CHINGA ESE OBAMA.

If this Democratic convention was the FIESTA, then this yobs report is the CRUDA!

There is no bowl of menudo big enough to cure the mess that Barack Obama has failed to clean up after the frat boy party thrown by George W. Bush. Whoops, never mind that I mentioned what’s-his-face.

Even Julian Castro’s Menudo Cook-Off-winning abuela could not boil enough pansa for Americans to stomach four more years of Marxist Socialist Communism Veganism. I have no facts to back that up, but GUATEVER. I don’t need facts, I AM A RICH DUDE.

As for the actual Democrap convention, here’s my review:

Mas…@MexicanMitt on the DNC: THAT CONVENTION ESUCKED!

What did Obama tell the DNC? We did the word salad arithmetic!

POCHO was so inspired by Bill Clinton’s espeech, with all the math and stuff, that we decided to arithmetically analyze President Obama’s address to the Democratic National Convention.

What does it all mean? Dunno. Math is hard. What do you think?

Some top phrases containing 8 words (without punctuation marks) Occurencies
harder but it leads to a better place 2
and now you have a choice we can 2
share and everyone plays by the same rules 2
does their fair share and everyone plays by 2
fair share and everyone plays by the same 2
and everyone does their fair share and everyone 2
their fair share and everyone plays by the 2
fair shot and everyone does their fair share 2
everyone gets a fair shot and everyone does 2
shot and everyone does their fair share and 2
gets a fair shot and everyone does their 2
a fair shot and everyone does their fair 2
everyone does their fair share and everyone plays 2

Mas…What did Obama tell the DNC? We did the word salad arithmetic!

Bill Clinton’s Pocho Ocho best lines in his speech to the DNC

Former President Bill Clinton’s speech Wednesday to the Democratic Convention was long (48 minutes), complex and filled with facts and arithmetic — maybe too long and filled, although girth is as important as length according to the email we get here.

As a public service, therefore, and sanitized for your protection, we present the Pocho Ocho best lines from Clinton’s speech to the DNC:

8. In Hope, Arkansas, offshore banking deposits are at that glory hole down by Stonewall Creek.

7. Republican arithmetic makes as much sense to this old country boy as those Chinese hookers in Harlem!

6. Sandra Fluke: Call me maybe.

Mas…Bill Clinton’s Pocho Ocho best lines in his speech to the DNC