The words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., are moving, literally, in this “kinetic typography” homage.
Ughhhhhhhh. There goes another crazy Texas politico saying something crazy. This time it’s Austin City Councilman Don Zimmerman, who told a group of Latino parents and students who testified in front of the council, some in Spanish, to stop being moochers (basically).
Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways to Tell If Your New Neighbors Are Terrorists:
8. Since sunset on Sunday, they’ve been burning more and more candles every night and singing in a Middle Eastern language.
7. They instruct their children — even pre-K kids — in violent martial arts, regularly staging practice backyard executions where children swinging war sticks decapitate colorful paper effigies strung up for torture.
6. Suspiciously clean-cut young men in shirts and ties living in the house regularly head out on bikes for neighborhood surveillance, knock on doors to see who is home, and take copious notes after every encounter.
OSCAR winner Alejandro González Iñárritu spoke to an audience at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art (LACMA) Sunday night. No human being, he told them, is illegal.
Here’s the transcript:
You crack down on their assets.
You cut off their oil and drill, baby, drill for our own.
We don’t retreat. We reload against any foe daring to test us.
And that is what Iran just did.
So, Congress, you got to kill the deal. The president is playing you. He so disrespects you, Congress, and our Constitution, that he won’t even bring you the treaty.
Representative Luis V. Gutierrez (D-ILL), who fights for the American dream as a Member of Congress representing Chicago, thinks we’ve got
- A Pope, Francis, and an
- Anti-Pope, the Donald.
He explained it all on the floor of the House of Representatives, using popular movie tropes and big photographs:
Saturday morning, I had the honor of giving the commencement speech at UC Riverside’s College of Arts, Humanities, and Social Sciences for their Sociology, Philosophy, Neuroscience, and Psychology students (what a mouthful!).
Following are my prepared remarks, which I mostly hewed to. I did begin my speech with an explanation of what ustedes and y’all meant, and the pocos pero locos line was improvised and laughed at by about three people.
Let’s start with an experiment, shall we?
I want all the psychology majors to stand up? Applaud them, por favor, for getting to this special day.
Our sources at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue have shared a copy of the 5 PM EST speech and we can now reveal the Pocho Ocho top immigration reforms you’ll hear in the President’s address to the Nation:
8. If Central American child refugees can pat their heads and rub their tummies at the same time, they can cut in line.
7. Families of DREAMers are OK to stay if they mow the lawn.
6. Badges, stinking or otherwise, no longer needed.
Argentinian actress and speech coach Guadalupe “Lupita” Gutierrez shows how to speak with an American accent. At least, that’s what she thinks… [Video by Natalia Abelleyra.]
PREVIOUSLY ON ACTORS WITH ACCENTS:
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) White House sources have confirmed that Pres. Barack Obama will deliver an “I Have A Drone” speech Wednesday to commemorate the the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s historic “I Have A Dream” speech at the 1963 March on Washington.
The news has already sent shock waves through both the African-American and civil rights communities.
They are incensed that Obama, the first black president, has presided over the gutting of the Voter Rights Act, massive domestic surveillance, the use of drones on U.S. soil, record deportations, widespread human trafficking, the attack on women’s rights, the acquittal of vigilante killer George Zimmerman and an upcoming tsunami of voter disenfranchisement laws.
The President was also blasted by outspoken national civil rights leader Emiliano Zapata Shabazz-Jones, who called him a “Tom Turkey of avuncular proportions” due to his administration’s poor civil rights record.
Do ju know how to talk like a Mexican? Watch thees video by voice and speech coach Andrea Caban and ju will learn how to speak Mexican. Ju know?
PREVIOUSLY ON TALK LIKE A MEXICAN:
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) The Senate’s approval of a bipartisan “immigration reform” bill Thursday — a bill which Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) says will create “the most militarized border since the Berlin Wall” — has defense contractors talking, and drooling.
The hot topic? The untold millions of dollars that may become available if Uncle Sam gets serious about “security.”
It’s the inevitable transition, cynics say, from Eisenhower’s old-school military-industrial complex to the new Post-Millennial MIGRA-Industrial Complex. But government contractors and suppliers have a more nuanced view.
A student at Pratt in New York set up a text-to-speech-to-text loop and the results are amazing and funny. We’ll let Michael Silber explain:
- I recorded the audio of Siri reading a selection of text.
- I placed a call to myself and played the Siri audio recording into my Google Voice voicemail.
- I instructed Siri to read the new Google Voice transcription, including any errors, and recorded a new audio clip.
- I placed a call to myself and played the new Siri audio recording back into my Google Voice voicemail.
— I repeated these steps for 50 iterations.
So I went to Austin, TX over the weekend (that’s me on the left, standing next to a giant stone head replica of anti-Hispanic author Richard Rodriguez) to speak at the UT Austin Benson Latin American Collection.
Trusty iPhone in hand, I took these photos of my trip:
We know some of you are morons or racists or both. Different strokes, meng, different strokes. It’s cool. Here’s a transcript of the speech on immigration that Bronco Bama just delivered in Las Vegas, translated into easy-to-understand Moron. Just for you!
Dank you. It is good t’ be back in Las Begas.
And it is good t’ be among so many good friends. Let – let me start off by dankigg ebehybody at Del Sol High School f’ hostigg us.
Go Dragons. Let me especial dank your outstandigg principal, Lisa Primos (ph).
Dehe are all kinds of notaggle guests hehe, uh uh uh, but I dgust want t’ minion a few. Firss of all, our outstandigg secret of de Departmin of Homeland Security, Dganet Napolitano, is hehe.
From Pres. Barack Obama’s Second Inaugural Address: “Your baby cousin likes me because I’m more normal and have a smooshy finger? No!”
That was quite a speech, eh? President Bronco Bama rocked the Inaugural Address. Of course, what he didn’t say is as important as what he did.
Here are the pocho ocho zingers dropped from the final espeech:
8. I want to reach across the aisle to our Republican friends and propose the No Mullet Left Behind Act of 2013
7. This is the year we must win the War on Uggs
6. You and I as citizens agree: Everything is better with bacon
Comedian Jose Barrientos‘s fake Mexican accent was so convincing he had his entire Speech 101 class fooled, except for this one blonde woman (she claimed later.) (NSFW audio.)
In a four-hour televised speech to his nation late Sunday, Chavez called Obama the best hope for Socialism in the Western Hemisphere. The left-wing strong man had previously endorsed the President in September.
“El Obama deserves your support, gringos,” he said in a rare foray into English. “He may not admit to being a Marxist-Leninist but inside he is as red as your Danny Glover and Oliver Estone. “
If this Democratic convention was the FIESTA, then this yobs report is the CRUDA!
There is no bowl of menudo big enough to cure the mess that Barack Obama has failed to clean up after the frat boy party thrown by George W. Bush. Whoops, never mind that I mentioned what’s-his-face.
Even Julian Castro’s Menudo Cook-Off-winning abuela could not boil enough pansa for Americans to stomach four more years of Marxist Socialist Communism Veganism. I have no facts to back that up, but GUATEVER. I don’t need facts, I AM A RICH DUDE.
As for the actual Democrap convention, here’s my review:
What does it all mean? Dunno. Math is hard. What do you think?
|Some top phrases containing 8 words (without punctuation marks)||Occurencies|
|harder but it leads to a better place||2|
|and now you have a choice we can||2|
|share and everyone plays by the same rules||2|
|does their fair share and everyone plays by||2|
|fair share and everyone plays by the same||2|
|and everyone does their fair share and everyone||2|
|their fair share and everyone plays by the||2|
|fair shot and everyone does their fair share||2|
|everyone gets a fair shot and everyone does||2|
|shot and everyone does their fair share and||2|
|gets a fair shot and everyone does their||2|
|a fair shot and everyone does their fair||2|
|everyone does their fair share and everyone plays||2|
Former President Bill Clinton’s speech Wednesday to the Democratic Convention was long (48 minutes), complex and filled with facts and arithmetic — maybe too long and filled, although girth is as important as length according to the email we get here.
As a public service, therefore, and sanitized for your protection, we present the Pocho Ocho best lines from Clinton’s speech to the DNC:
8. In Hope, Arkansas, offshore banking deposits are at that glory hole down by Stonewall Creek.
7. Republican arithmetic makes as much sense to this old country boy as those Chinese hookers in Harlem!
6. Sandra Fluke: Call me maybe.
Well, that wasn’t a very good espeech.
Ex-Presidente BILL CLINTON spoke to the Democratic National Convention last night before heading out to a night of debauchery and cheeseburgers in Charlotte.
Sure, you might say he delivered a good defense of Barack Obama’s awful Presidency. But he filled the whole long rant with PINCHE BORING FACTS and even ARITHMETIC!
If you watch Fox News or listen to my man Rush, you know that facts will not get in my GUEY. You know that OBAMA IS THE MOST DIVISIVE PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME BECAUSE HE HAS DIVIDED THE RACISTS FROM THE NON-RACISTS.
LETTER FROM A TWITTERHAM JAIL
31 August 2012
My Dear Fellow Twitter Fans:
While confined here in the Twitterham City Jail, I came across your recent statement calling my present activities "unwise and untimely."
Seldom do I pause to answer criticism of my work and ideas.
If I sought to answer all the criticisms that cross my desk, my secretaries would have little time for anything other than such correspondence in the course of the day, and I would have no time for constructive work.
But since I feel that you are men of genuine good will and that your criticisms are sincerely set forth, I want to try to answer your statement in what I hope will be patient and reasonable terms.
Twitter suspended my account for violating the terms outlined in its Parody Account guidelines.
Apparently, someone was misled by my account, which portrays Mitt Romney as a cartoonish Mexican ranchero. This indicates that this person was an estupido idiota pendejo, meaning he is a Republican voter.
I call them my base. Ajua.
Thank you, NAACP for the invitation to espeak here, and Bishop Graves for your introduction. Thanks also to President Ben Jealous and your weird last name.
Good mornings, black humans. I am Mexican Mitt Romney. I know it is crazy to speak to you here at the NAACP, but guatever.
I will not be the Presidente for only the East Coast, or the West Coast. I do not believe in your geographic gang rivalries. I want to be the Presidente for all the people, but mainly the rich people. I know you already have Black Reagan as your Presidente, but hear me out.
Tomorrow Vice President Joe Biden will speak before you, please do not let him drink a 40-ouncer before he comes onstage, just sayin’. I won’t let any special interests like black people get in the way, whoops, that’s from my GOP nomination speech.
Who can kiss mas butt? President Barack Obama and Gov. Mitt Romney both spoke to the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials last week in La Florida. So who won the contest of Los Panderos? The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart reports.
8. Unsure about your next move? Do you need a movement or idea to get behind? Start an Occupy College movement on your campus! You may have graduated, but this will ensure you never have to leave (or shower.)
7. Remember how much you drank your first week of school? Drink twice that amount! As silly as sobriety may seem at the moment, it has absolutely no purpose in the real world, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Note that outside of college this is generally referred to as “alcoholism.”
6. To save money, move in with some people who actually had a chance at the American Dream — your parents. You’ll be so busy driving your abuelita around town, you won’t notice the economy sucks.