Thank you, NAACP for the invitation to espeak here, and Bishop Graves for your introduction. Thanks also to President Ben Jealous and your weird last name.
Good mornings, black humans. I am Mexican Mitt Romney. I know it is crazy to speak to you here at the NAACP, but guatever.
I will not be the Presidente for only the East Coast, or the West Coast. I do not believe in your geographic gang rivalries. I want to be the Presidente for all the people, but mainly the rich people. I know you already have Black Reagan as your Presidente, but hear me out.
Tomorrow Vice President Joe Biden will speak before you, please do not let him drink a 40-ouncer before he comes onstage, just sayin’. I won’t let any special interests like black people get in the way, whoops, that’s from my GOP nomination speech.
As I was saying, I know you are aware that I am not a huge fan of the gays, but let me say this. I really enjoy all the Tyler Perry movies, and I sincerely hope if you are an Afro-Gay, that you can just keep it “on the down low.” Regardless, I find it hard to cut black gay men’s hair, so you are safe from my pranking. I am still hopeful that together, black Christians and white and Latino Christians can one day unite against the homos.
I am your greatest black hope, not Black Reagan. Obama obviously doesn’t want you to have yobs. Now, unemployment is very high amongst blackazoids. I wish it were not so high, so that I could fire you. But if you are unemployed, that really doesn’t please me. I totally understand the plight of the unemployed black, as before 1978, blacks could not get hired as pastors in the Mormon Church — you know, because of the evil dark skin thing. But that was yesterday.
Let’s look to tomorrow. I will create new yobs in the black community, and I will mention Harlem in my speech, even though we are in Houston. Go Steelers!
I will outsource blackness to Africa and Jamaica to reduce costs, creating yobs out there, for all your friends and family. I already offshore my money in Bermuda, that’s pretty black. Also, my boo has two Cadillacs.
Education is a big thing I will work on as your next non-black Presidente. I know that Black Reagan has all kinds of fancy Harvard and Yale degrees. Guatever. We need to focus not on how many fancy degrees I have from Harvard and Yale, but on how bad your black students are doing. Blackazoid students are in the worst schools. Please urge them to stop messing them up.
I will privatize public schools “fo sho.” Don’t worry, rich white charter schools will take every single poor black student with a voucher. Sorry, I don’t know why I cannot stop laughing.
Also, to help the black community, which has the worst healthcare and highest mortality rates, I promise to repeal Obamacare.
(Boooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.)
I will wait until you stop booing.
(Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.)
Blackazoids do not need healthcare because you are so athletic. Did someone just play an organ?
Please estop playing the organ and booing me, this is not Evening at the Apollo.
Harriet Tubman, George Washington Carver, Fredrick Douglas and that black astronaut fellow. Corn bread, soup beans, and turnip greens.
Vote for me, and I promise you 40 acres and a dressage horse.
Who is this black tap dancer pulling me off stage?
Has anybody seen my wallet? I’m not leaving until I get my wallet. It’s made of fine Corinthian leather, and has about $100 million in twenties. Now will the organist please play me out? Do you know any Commodores songs?
Thank you black humans, and good night.
Who booked this? I was told this would be the Herman Cain Fan Club Convention…I knew I should have opened with a few bars of Rapper’s Delight.
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- Previously on POCHO: Mexican Mitt Romney Guest Editorial: Latinos need Lambamba Care pronto!