mexican mitt

Mexican Mitt Romney: DON TROMP ES CON MAN

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trumpyoggacroppedHOLA MIS PINCHES!

I had to speak up, because of this human hot cheeto el DONALD TROMP.

The REPUBLICAN PARTY is turning into one of those fiestas that go on past 3 am and ALL YOUR DRONK TIOS FIGHT and the CHOTA comes to arrest everybody. Pero at this fiesta, no one is arresting the one who ESTARTED ALL THE PEDO: DONALD TROMP.

He is the worst thing to happen to the Republican Fiesta since TED CRUZ Y MARCO RUBIO, the CUBAN BLUNDER TWINS!

TROMP is not the man to represent the GOP. GOP now stands for GET OUT PENDEJO!

Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney: DON TROMP ES CON MAN

@MexicanMitt Romney: The Estate of the Union esta chingada

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Hola Gueyes! This is my Live Tweet/State of the Union response chingadera. Will someone please get me a water, that bottle I’m looking at is right out of reach. CHINGAO!

MEXIPHONE CHECK, JUAN TU, JUAN TU

HIJOLE EL TWITTER IS ESLOW, IT’S MORE CLOGGED THAN THE TOILET AT EL TORITO

HEY OBAMA, STOP TOUCHING THE CROWD, YOU ARE NOT LL COOL J

THE ESTATE OF THE UNION ESTA CHINGADA

IT IS OUR YENERATION’S TASK TO IGNITE DORNER’S CABIN

FREE ENTERPRISE ISN’T FOR FREELOADERS

Mas…@MexicanMitt Romney: The Estate of the Union esta chingada

@MexicanMitt Romney tells all in first post-defeat interview (audio)

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@MexicanMitt Romney phoned public radio station KUNM in New Mexico Monday night for his first post-election interview. The Twitter Idol liberally assigned blame for his defeat by Bronco Bama, reminisced about the fireworks he planned to set off had he juan and revealed he’s still on the lookout for his missing running mate Pollo Ryan. Here’s the interview from the program RAICES.

@MexicanMitt Romney’s final concession espeech [complete text]

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[EDITOR’S NOTE: @MexicanMitt Romney, the Twitter sensation, has graced us with the complete text of his concession speech upon losing to President Barack Obama. Enjoy this heart-wrenching espeech, gueyes.]

AJUA!

GREETINGS MY GUEYES!

I HAVE CALLED BLACK REAGAN AND CONCEDED THAT HE CHEATED BETTER THAN I DID. SHOUT OUT to his wife and her sister-wives.

I WANT TO THANK my running mate POLLO RYAN FOR NADA, NALGAS, EL ZILCHO.

We didn’t win his home estate of Wisconsin. He couldn’t even get us the Munsters vote, ESMALL AS THAT IS.

IF ANYONE knows where he has been for the last three weeks, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

Mas…@MexicanMitt Romney’s final concession espeech [complete text]

Mexican Mitt’s Last Espeech: I’m in it to guin it, by any beans necessary

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MY FINAL ESPEECH TO THE NATION BEFORE I RULE OVER IT

AJUA!

Viejas and Gentlemen, voters, suppressed voters, this is my final espeech to you before I win the election tomorrow for the Presidency of the United Estates. This is the most important Presidential election of your lifetime, if you were born this year.

I know, you are RELIEVED that this long national nightmare will be finally over. I, too, am sick of the ads, the constant campaigning, having to look at my running mate what’s-his-face, but especially I am sick of Bronco Bamma.

But enough about Black Reagan. Or the country. You all want to know how this affects ME, Mexican Mitt Romney. Campaigning is hard. It’s almost like a yob, which I have not held in a long time. Despite waking up in various strange hotels with Mormon wood every day, I still miss my 14 RANCHOS. (For the language-impaired, “rancho” is Spanish for “polygamous Mormon compound.”)

Mas…Mexican Mitt’s Last Espeech: I’m in it to guin it, by any beans necessary

@MexicanMitt Romney: I’m prepped y ready for Debate Number Juan

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I AM TANNED, RESTED AND READY. AND MORE TANNED.

AJUA! I have been preparing all night for my debate against BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA. Tonight there will be A LOT OF JUAN ON JUAN MASTERDEBATING. I will right ALL THE LEFT-LEANING POLLS with my victory!

I will completely dominate, not LIKE A BOSS, but LIKE A CEO.  I want you to take a break from your MOOCHING and FREELOADING to watch me mop up the floor with Obama like I was one of ANN’s FEARFUL SERVANTS.

HERMAN CAIN did not work out as OBAMA DEBATE STAND-IN (all his answers were “NINE NINE NINE”) SO NOW I PRACTICE AGAINST A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF URKEL.

Mas…@MexicanMitt Romney: I’m prepped y ready for Debate Number Juan

Wild! @MexicanMitt Romney and frat bros in music video: ‘Dinero’

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In his freshman year at Stanford, @MexicanMitt Romney and his Kappa Lota Gelta fraternity brothers made a music video under the name Joe King Carrasco and the Crowns. In retrospect, Dinero seems prophetic, showing the future Bean Capitalist’s magic carpet knack for amassing large amounts of other people’s cash. (The future Mrs. Ann Romney is on keyboards.)

In other news, @MexicanMitt’s campaign released a new poster:

Mas…Wild! @MexicanMitt Romney and frat bros in music video: ‘Dinero’

@MexicanMitt: Corrected subtitles for my Univision appearance

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Those vendidos at Univision‘s Espanish subtitling department are lying Cubanos and they hate Mexicans like me. That is the ONLY EXPLANATION I have for the way they translated my remarks for my Espanish-speaking friends.

Here is what I really said:

So-called transcript: But the truth is as you know my dad was born of American parents living in Mexico.

Correct subtitle: YO SER MEXI-MORMON GUERO

The immigration system, I think we all agree, is broken and it’s been a political football for years. MEXICANOS DEBER EL SELF-DEPORTO

Mas…@MexicanMitt: Corrected subtitles for my Univision appearance

@MexicanMitt on the DNC: THAT CONVENTION ESUCKED!

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COMO CHINGA ESE OBAMA.

If this Democratic convention was the FIESTA, then this yobs report is the CRUDA!

There is no bowl of menudo big enough to cure the mess that Barack Obama has failed to clean up after the frat boy party thrown by George W. Bush. Whoops, never mind that I mentioned what’s-his-face.

Even Julian Castro’s Menudo Cook-Off-winning abuela could not boil enough pansa for Americans to stomach four more years of Marxist Socialist Communism Veganism. I have no facts to back that up, but GUATEVER. I don’t need facts, I AM A RICH DUDE.

As for the actual Democrap convention, here’s my review:

Mas…@MexicanMitt on the DNC: THAT CONVENTION ESUCKED!

@MexicanMitt on Bill Clinton: Well, that wasn’t a very good espeech

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Well, that wasn’t a very good espeech.

Ex-Presidente BILL CLINTON spoke to the Democratic National Convention last night before heading out to a night of debauchery and cheeseburgers in Charlotte.

Sure, you might say he delivered a good defense of Barack Obama’s awful Presidency.  But he filled the whole long rant with PINCHE BORING FACTS and even ARITHMETIC!

If you watch Fox News or listen to my man Rush, you know that  facts will not get in my GUEY. You know that OBAMA IS THE MOST DIVISIVE PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME BECAUSE HE HAS DIVIDED THE RACISTS FROM THE NON-RACISTS.

Mas…@MexicanMitt on Bill Clinton: Well, that wasn’t a very good espeech

@MexicanMitt Romney responds to Democratic Convention espeeches

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I was recovering from the Clint Eastwood Chair Incident, pretending to listen to some storm victims in who-knows-what-FOCKED-UP backwards-ass SOUTHERN STATE, and I was forced by my campaign adviser to watch the Democratic National Convention.

TV COVERAGE OF THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION IS HILARIOUS, the camerapeoples have to constantly pan around to find THE ONE STRAIGHT WHITE MALE.

Then I was forced to watch the espeech given by JULIAN CASTRO. Yes, the espeech gave ME A PAIN IN THE BIDEN.

First of all, how did a 12-year-old version of Jimmy Smits become the mayor of a major American City? Oh it’s San Antonio? Never mind.

Mas…@MexicanMitt Romney responds to Democratic Convention espeeches

Who killed @MexicanMitt Romney’s Twitter account? And why?

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[Editor’s Note: After a sleepless, tormented night in Twitter jail, MexicanMitt awoke to find his account un-suspended and his list of followers and followees restored. He has thanked all his supporters and promises an update for you people as soon as possible. He’s running for office for Pete’s sake!]

Has the wildly popular and hilarious Twitter parody account @MexicanMitt self-deported? That’s what many of his fans and followers are asking on Twitter tonight.

Complicating the anger and disbelief at the scuttling of the Mexican Mitt Romney account is the timing: The night of actual Mitt Romney’s big RNC speech, an event at which @MexicanMitt was prepared to “live tweet.”

Mexican Mitt has been named as the Number One funniest parody political account on Twitter by Politico, and has been lauded by several sites and countless Twitter users and journalists, and even mentioned by Rachel Maddow on MSNBC and the L.A. Times.

Mitt Romney’s Mexican alter ego no doubt has pissed off somebody very important, or has been the victim of a coordinated reverse-spam complaint attack from humorless right wingers. Or worse.

Besides pointing out the convenient timing on the eve of the RNC speech, there’s the appearance of a new, promoted  Mitt Romney campaign Twitter topic. Hmm.

Twitter has yet to respond to numerous press inquiries, including from our friends at LatinoRebels and at NBC Latino.

Mas…Who killed @MexicanMitt Romney’s Twitter account? And why?

Mexclusive: Draft of Mexican Mitt Romney’s speech to RNC leaked

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A version of Mexican Mitt Romney’s RNC speech for tonight in Tampa has been leaked, and we have it mexclusively for you.


MEXICAN MITT ROMNEY RNC ESPEECH 8/30/12
------------
ENTER ON WHITE HORSE
(because Rafalca will trip)

(NOTE: If anyone throws peanuts, Chris Christie will not let those go to waste)
(REMEMBER to adjust sombrero, don't block the expensive background set)

AJUUUUUUA!

HELLO, TAMPAX!

No one has ever asked me for my birth certificate, because that's not what you ask rich white dudes.

Big shout out to Stripper Sarah Palin, see you at the afterparty tonight.

Thank you to all the espeakers, especially my vieja Annn Romney. She really loves you women. And she loves to Unzip The Mitt!

POLLO RYAN. Pinche Eddie Munster rules! The viejitas fear him, but he promises eternal life, just let him bite your Medicare.

CHRIS CRISPY IS THE ONLY HOMBRE I KNOW WHO DEEP FRIES HIS NAILS BEFORE HE CHEWS ON THEM.

Mas...Mexclusive: Draft of Mexican Mitt Romney’s speech to RNC leaked

Ñewsweek: Mexican Mitt, NAACP, Craig Romney, ’50 Shades of Brown’

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GOP wannabe Mexican Mitt Romney tried his very best to appeal to the Colored People at their National Association’s annual convention; we’ve got the transcript.

And son Craig Romney tried his very best to appeal to Latinos in a Spanish-language ad for his dad. We translated the commercial for the Ingles-espeaking masses.

The publishing world looks to appeal to the hot and fiery soft-porn-loving Latina book-buying public with the upcoming Fifty Shades of Brown.  Can Big Books, Inc. tie up the mujeres’ market?

These big POCHO stories topped the exciting reportage roster that broke the ñews this week and here are the links:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Mexican Mitt, NAACP, Craig Romney, ’50 Shades of Brown’

Transcript: Mexican Mitt Romney’s speech to the NAACP

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Mexican Mitt Romney just spoke to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People convention in Houston, TX and we have the transcript:

—BEGIN TRANSCRIPT—

Thank you, NAACP for the invitation to espeak here, and Bishop Graves for your introduction. Thanks also to President Ben Jealous and your weird last name.

Good mornings, black humans. I am Mexican Mitt Romney. I know it is crazy to speak to you here at the NAACP, but guatever.

I will not be the Presidente for only the East Coast, or the West Coast. I do not believe in your geographic gang rivalries. I want to be the Presidente for all the people, but mainly the rich people. I know you already have Black Reagan as your Presidente, but hear me out.

Tomorrow Vice President Joe Biden will speak before you, please do not let him drink a 40-ouncer before he comes onstage, just sayin’. I won’t let any special interests like black people get in the way, whoops, that’s from my GOP nomination speech.

Mas…Transcript: Mexican Mitt Romney’s speech to the NAACP

Mexican Mitt Romney: ¡I AM THE LAST JUAN STANDING!

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AJUA! You didn’t think I could do it. You doubted me. You said, “Oh no, Mexican Mitt, you cannot be the Republican nominee! They hate you so! They would never EVER let such a VIRILE, MACHO HOMBRE become the REPUBLICAN NOMINEE!” By virile and macho hombre, you must mean that a Mormon could never win the GOP nomination.

But you were WRONG. Last night, I finally got the required 1,144 delegates for the Republican nomination by winning Texas, the lone state to vote this week. Like I always said, “ALL MY VIEJAS LIVE IN TEJAS!” And I received a full 90% of my viejas’ votes. (I’ll have a word with you later, Margarita.)

Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney: ¡I AM THE LAST JUAN STANDING!

Romney campaign tries to shake off Etch A Sketch remark

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The Romney campaign is one built on strong policy principles, unless, of course, they need to change them to pander to primary voters.

“Well, I think you hit a reset button for the fall campaign. Everything changes,” Romney campaign advisor Eric Fehrnstrom said Wednesday on CNN. “It’s almost like an Etch A Sketch. You can kind of shake it up and restart all over again.”

Shake it up baby!

CHONY 2012: Mexican Mitt’s new awareness campaign

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Leading GOP presidential contender Mexican Mitt Romney has started a brand new awareness campaign that is sweeping the social media world: CHONY 2012.

Mexican Mitt is trying to raise awareness about the whereabouts of his favorite pair of Magical Underpants, which he has named “Chony.”

“Please help me find my favorite CHONYs,” said the wealthy Mexi-Mormon on his popular Twitter feed last night.

Their absence from his campaign bus is causing Mexican Mitt much anguish. In various mournful Tweets, he also urged readers to contribute money to his CHONY 2012 campaign, which has since gone viral.

Mas…CHONY 2012: Mexican Mitt’s new awareness campaign

Mexclusive: Mexican Mitt Romney for President (music video)

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[If you liked the video, you can now own the song. Get it on iTunes ahora! 
Mexican Mitt's  "(I Wanna Be) The First Latino President" ]

After sweeping both Arizona and Michigan –– he says it’s because the gringos won’t do it -– a certain South-of-the-Border candidate is clearing his way to “paint the White House brown!” The affable and mariachi-like Mexi-Mormon is a tough campaigner, and says he is “in it to guin it.” Mexican Mitt Romney, the Most Mexican Man in the World, wants to be the first Latino President. This is his story — in song.

Mas…Mexclusive: Mexican Mitt Romney for President (music video)

Ñewsweek: Lalo the valet, the gay GOP sheriff, fishsticks and boobs

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There’s a fine line between truth and satire, a twisty maze of passageways, all alike. POCHO was doing that line dance all week with these stories:

S. J. Rivera: My Guantanamo Bay self-deportation book tour

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Self-interview AND self-photograph!

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Ace Pocho Ñews Service contributor, author and hardcore poet (Demon in the Mirror and Amerikkkan Stories) S. J. Rivera sat down to talk to himself about his Self-Deportation Book Tour and what it’s like to have a book signing at Guantanamo Bay.

PNS: Your new book is AmeriKKKan Stories (Hardcore Poetry) – is it a Klan book or…?

S. J. Rivera: Yes and no. Actually there’s a very true story in there about the time I ran a guy over with my car. His name was Donny and I hit him on purpose because he may or may not have been in the klan(Hi, Donny!)  There’s stuff in there about redneck zen, badmouthing the government, pochismo, fat Elvis, EMS horror stories, McDonald’s Nazis – you name it, it’s in there.

Mas…S. J. Rivera: My Guantanamo Bay self-deportation book tour