Merry Christmas from Los Pochodores: Lalo Alcaraz, Jefe-in-Chief; Dennis Wilen AKA Comic Saenz, Jefe de Content; Sara Inés Calderón, Subcommandanta del Ñews; Beto Mesta AKA Eres Nerd, Texas Burro Jefe; Elise Roedenbeck, New Jack City Burro Jefe (Emeritus); Celina Martinez, Food and Gwine Editor; Al Madrigal, Migrant Editor.
(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) Families here are thanking President Barack Obama as they sit down to their Thanksgiving meals today.
Undocumented immigrant Mario Garza, who plans to pay his fines and “get in the back of the line,” is overjoyed with the White House plans to help fix “our broken immigration system.”
“No pues está a toda madre lo que hizo el presidente Obama, y que poca madre tienen los pinches republicanos que no tienen ni corazon ni huevos para cumplir con la raza trabajadora,” he told PNS. (Translation: Garza backs presidential action but has doubts about the Republican Party’s appeal to future Latino voters.)
Our sources at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue have shared a copy of the 5 PM EST speech and we can now reveal the Pocho Ocho top immigration reforms you’ll hear in the President’s address to the Nation:
8. If Central American child refugees can pat their heads and rub their tummies at the same time, they can cut in line.
7. Families of DREAMers are OK to stay if they mow the lawn.
6. Badges, stinking or otherwise, no longer needed.
These Nazis wear swastikas and call themselves National Socialists, sure, but they’re not really socialists. They’re more nationalists, really, supporting the White Nation. All they want to do is to save America from the loser and quitter immigrants who gave up on their home countries to invade the U.S. of A. After all, integration was forced on the White Man at the point of a bayonet. White people get racially profiled too, you know.
Jorge Ramos, of Univision and FUSION, says there is but one moral choice for America: We have to treat child refugees like the children they are — with love.
As Texas Gov. Rick Perry mobilizes the National Guard to patrol the border and protect America from helpless fleeing single mothers and child refugees, his fellow Texans aren’t shy about sharing their love.
PREVIOUSLY ON RICK PERRY:
Not only was she not greeted by howling racists, their faces distorted with unfathomable rage, but she got a certificate and a gold coin.
An unaccompanied child migrant was the first person in line on opening day of the new immigration station at Ellis Island Her name was Annie Moore, and that day, January 1, 1892, happened to be her 15th birthday. She had traveled with her two little brothers from Cork County, Ireland, and when they walked off the gangplank, she was awarded a certificate and a $10 gold coin for being the first to register.
(Antigua, Guatemala — December 2000) I glanced up from my plate of rice, beans and perfectly grilled chicken breast. I was nauseous and weak from days of vomiting. Third-world cuisine always leaves me thinner than when I arrive.
In hindsight, I’m not sure if it was the beautiful colors in the woman’s “huipil” or if it was the look of angst on her face that caught my eye. As I gazed out the window of the restaurant I sat in, all I could think about was my own discomfort and what my friends back in the U.S. were doing.
While I contemplated these trivial matters, my father jumped up from his chair. I watched as he grabbed my uneaten plate, bolted out the front door of the restaurant and caught up to the woman I had seen walk by.
They entered our God-Blessed America via smartphones and social media, and now these pint-sized Japanese are everywhere. Were these yellow-skinned child-like emo pictograms invited? Do they even have documents, bro?
Why the kidsplosion on the border? Jon Stewart has the sad, and then explains why haters gonna hate. Spoiler: They’re haters.
From Central America comes this ballad that’s fast rising the Latin American charts. It’s all about the dangerous Death Train that Central American drug war refugees ride on their way across Mexico enroute to El Norte. In Spanish they call the train The Beast — La Bestia.
And who is the man behind this music? It’s a name we all love, but who knew he could sing!? This track comes from Uncle Sam, who hired an ad agency to make a hit record.
What’s way more powerful than all of the ignorance coming out of #MurrietaHateCityUSA? The power of a philanthropic pocho! And better yet, the power of a whole lot of philanthropic pochos and pochas. Watch, that’ll show them!
This Reuters news video spotlights the luxury transportation the brown-skinned, drug-smuggling, disease-spreading, job-stealing illegal invaders use to travel across Mexico to infect our God-given homeland, all part of the Kenyan Muslim Obummer socialist plot to destroy America.
POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.
Mexicans and Anglo Americans are exactly alike. You are just as racist Mejicanoh, oh wait, I mean, Chicano… Meixcan American… I forget, you don’t consider yourselves Mexican… or do you. You MeCHA Aztlanersss get me all confused. Or wait, you don’t consider yourselves Latino but rather.. MESSICAN!
ANYWAYS… so, as I was saying, you share the same RACIST views, in fact, you’re no different than right wing Caucasian Americans, whom at least are upfront about their racism and xenophobia, you’re more aligned with Liberal Democrats whom subversively are racist.
Foreigner John Oliver (formerly of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and currently fronting Last Week Tonight) has been through the immigration system, and he has some advice for the GOP. (NSFW language.)