Editor’s note: Based on real email:
— Tapas Magazine (@TapasMagazine) May 3, 2017
Bananas. Ham? Baloney? Salami at the bottom? We haven’t seen an actual print copy. Have you?
(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Donald Trump, Wharton School Class of 1968, is the new cover boy of a University of Pennsylvania alumni magazine mailed today to Penn grads across the country.
Need a professional grade tactical pouch for your assault rifle ammunition magazine, knife, scope or multitool? Do you like Cordura™ and polymers? Have we got a TACO® for you! Made in America!
I mean, just look around! The GOP is embracing Latinos (har, har) and there are products everywhere like Tide Latino, Ford Latino, Clorox Latino, Latino socks, Latino water, Latino sunlight. Hell, there’s even a PETA Latino now! These Hispanic marketeers know no bounds!
Recently, Latina.com named the “30 most iconic Latino TV characters of the past 60 years.”
My only problem with that is their elastic definition of “Latino.” Many of their icon choices are either stereotypes or just plain questionable. They could have named their article “We’re reaching here, so bear with us, and buy some Latino Tide!”
I’ll run down a few of the more questionable picks and let you decide who makes the cut. Are they iconic? Are they Latino? Are they iconic Latinos?? Gasp! You be the judge. And for the love of Latino Jesus, make sure you buy some corporate Latino products while you’re at it.
(PNS reporting from ENCINO) San Fernando Valley homeowner Donald Murietta was depressed most of Saturday afternoon after reading the latest issue of The Pennsylvania Gazette, the alumni magazine of the University of Pennsylvania.
Murietta, a 1998 Penn graduate, first turned to the obituary section when the glossy monthly arrived with the 2PM mail delivery, and that’s when his ball-breaking downer began.
News of the February 12 death (a tragic fish-pickling accident in Rochester, NY) of old girlfriend Leslie Sonnenshein (nee Baldwin), Class of 1999, set off a cascade of emotions that started at the top with their intense makeout session at that SAE party after the Princeton game and ended at the bottom with a very public breakup in the Van Pelt Library right before Christmas, which was totally his fault because he fucked that girl Candi.
(PNS reporting from PDX) Area collector Reynaldo “Ronnie” Morales’ heart was broken Sunday night when a last-minute auction bid from an eBay “sniper” pushed the coveted September 1953 issue of Amazing Future Tales out of his grasp and into the arms of another.
The sniper killed Morale’s chances with a $37.83 winning bid.
Morales had bid $37.62, confident that his bid of $5 and an oddly-random number of pennies more than the highest posted bid was the combination that would win the auction for the rare issue, which featured the first and only installment of Chola Low Riders from Outer Space.
“I sat staring at the screen all Sunday watching those prices and almost missed the Super Bowl. Refresh, refresh, refresh, nada. I was sure it was mine.”