To:  Re: GOP Latino Wrangler

Dear Party of Lincoln:
I am very interested in the Latino Wrangler opening at the Republican National Committee you advertised on CraigsList.

My wife is half Mexican, my son is one-quarter Mexican and I have been to Mexico four times for cheap lobster, not that anyone's ethnicity would be used as a qualification for this job. I'm white, of course.

As someone who voted for George W. Bush twice and who married a half Mexican, I feel I have a unique insight into how Republicans can really make some inroads with Mexican-Americans. (Note also my math proficiency including "fractions.")

Below is a six-point plan the RNC can follow to get the respect of Latinos and, Lord willing, their votes as well:

  1. More barbecues/cook-outs: My Mexican in-laws love BBQs. This should be perfect since everyone in Texas (home of President Bush and Gov. Rick Perry) does nothing but grill meat, drink beer and watch the Dallas Cowboys blow the game.
  2. In addition to BBQs, you have to make sure there's at least one piñata. And not just any piñata, either! Mexicans can tell when they have a cheap one. If you try to sneak a Wal-Mart piñata past real Mexicans, they'll get pissed and we'll be right back where we started.
  3. Recognize that there are many types of Mexicans. There are Puerto Rican-Mexicans, Colombian-Mexicans, Cuban-Mexicans and, of course, Mexican-Mexicans.
  4. Stop throwing Mexicans out of the country! If McDonalds kept throwing me and my brother out on the street every time we came in, I think I'd prefer Burger King instead. You see, if you want people on your side, you can't kick them out.
  5. Play up religion. Man oh man, my wife's grandmother has like a thousand Jesus and Mary candles in her home. Why aren't Republican candidates saying things like "Baptists are the Catholics of the South" or "We were Catholics too until Martin Luther" ???
  6. Come up with Latin initials for "GOP." Because I'm Republican, I only espeak English, but Google Translate tells me that "Grand Old Party" in Spanish is "Gran Viejo Partido." So, why not create some Latin billboards in Latin neighborhoods that have "GVP" on them?

I understand the opening is in your Washington, D.C. office.  Do you provide relocation assistance or would I have to rely on FEMA?  And do you offer health care?
Sincerely yours,
Joseph Marchelewski

You can find more Joe at DeathByMovies