They’ve got some big problemas down in Texas — Senator Ted Cruz (R-PENDEJO), killer floods, and the reappearance of loser Governor Rick Perry as a presidential nominee wanabee. Thank God for national treasure Willie Nelson, seen here enjoying a serenade by Toby Keith and Scott Emerik. It’s a mournful lament called I’ll Never Smoke Weed With Willie Again.
When news broke Friday that GOP presidential nominee wannabe Texas Governor Rick Perry (photo) was indicted on two counts of abuse of power, we were pissed off because we were in the middle of a conference call and didn’t that grand jury know our meeting schedule and publishing deadlines?
We realized later, however, that we had a treasure trove of Perry-ana that could be given fresh life on the Interwebs with a cool big-ass image of Perry, a clever headline and lots of SEO-friendly keywords.
POCHO proudly presents PREVIOUSLY ON INDICTED TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK PERRY THEATRE:
As Texas Gov. Rick Perry mobilizes the National Guard to patrol the border and protect America from helpless fleeing single mothers and child refugees, his fellow Texans aren’t shy about sharing their love.
PREVIOUSLY ON RICK PERRY:
Nice Jewish girl Sarah Silverman (her sister is a rabbi in Israel) gets to spend some quality time with fellow Jew Jesus F*cking Christ; it turns out Jesus has a mission for Sarah. [NSFW adult language.]
PREVIOUSLY ON SARAH SILVERMAN:
(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Gov. Rick Perry is disappointed his new hipster glasses haven’t helped him in the polls.
“Why don’t people like me? I’m more than just the guy who came after Bush, I’m cool, see?” he told reporters at a press conference at the Capitol Wednesday as he pointed to his stylin’ horn rim frames from Warby Parker.
According to insiders, Perry thought the hipster glasses would not only make him more likeable but would also make people think he’s smarter, too.
“I watch Dr. Who,” said Perry. “I’m been hanging at Waterloo Records trying to make friends with guys with beards. I’m growing some fierce sideburns.”
(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) The Republican-controlled Texas legislature (photo) has wasted no time in exploiting last month’s Supreme Court ruling that gutted the Voting Rights Act:
The lawmakers have passed a draconian redistricting scheme and enacted new voter registration requirements that many liken to a poll tax.
SB17, nicknamed “The Liberty Forever Bill,” mandates a laundry list of voter registration requirements “to ensure that only Texans are allowed to vote.” It passed Saturday and awaits GOP Gov. Rick Perry’s signature.
Among the measure’s exacting requirements:
So what’s up next for this GOP favorite? Here are the Pocho Ocho things on Rick Perry’s to-do list:
8. Concentrate his hatred on a wider range of disenfranchised groups
7. Sign with the Lakers
6. Spend more time with the Westboro Baptist family
(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Rick Perry told a crowd of press and supporters here Monday that he will not seek another term as Texas governor when his term expires in 18 months.
Instead, the longest-serving governor in Texas’ history said he was going to do the unthinkable: move to California to turn the state back into a Republican stronghold.
“Now that Democrats have set their sights on Texas, I want to return the favor and head to the Golden State and bring a brand of compassionate conservatism that ruled the state in the good ol’ days,” the former GOP presidential nominee wannabe said.
It’s not easy standing up for women’s rights in Texas, but the heroic filibuster by State Sen. Wendy Davis kept the GOP’s anti-abortion SB5 from passing Tuesday night. Our MiJA, Elise Roedenbeck, learned how to Do the Wendy for the camera. [Disclosure: The settlement agreement approved by the judge means we must stay at least 100 yards away from Ms. Roedenbeck, but we can still remind people that she is POCHO’s New Jack City Burro Jefe, Emeritus.]
The one-time GOP nominee wannabe Perry is so underwhelming that when he walks into a room, it seems as if someone just left.
Rick Perry is so stupid he peels M&M’s to make chocolate chip cookies. Rick Perry is so stupid he went to the dentist for Bluetooth. Rick Perry is so stupid he forgot his own talking points in a Republican presidential debate.
Think about it: Republican voters in the primaries liked Rick Perry even LESS than Mitt Romney.
But enough about Rick Perry. What about MY needs?
My wife is half Mexican, my son is one-quarter Mexican and I have been to Mexico four times for cheap lobster, not that anyone's ethnicity would be used as a qualification for this job. I'm white, of course.
(PNS reporting from TEJAS) The votes have finally been counted and it looks like Democrats in Texas voted overwhelmingly yesterday to secede from the United States of America
“Texas Democrats are tired of Gov. Rick Perry’s partisan politics and of a Republican legislature that seems hell-bent on destroying the rights of hardworking Texans,” said state Democratic spokeswoman Rebecca Acuña.
The vote to secede was a desperate move for the Dems, who fought a hard fight against Republican redistricting that is still tied up in Federal courts. Hidden at the end of the state constitution — after the part where Rick Perry famously said the state could secede from the union — was a footnote that allows for areas of the state to secede as well.
(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Republicans scared to death worried about the GOP’s ridiculously awful poor standing with Hispanic non-Mexican-American voters have launched an election-year scramble to put a better spin on their party’s immigration problem. Their solution? A TV reality show starring Hollywood flunkie and all-around jackass, Steven Seagal.
Seagal leads the list of C-level actors in You’re Busted, Beaner! a new Republican Party-backed reality series. Seagal stars as a cop who pursues “illegals” while promoting the GOP’s
non-Mexican Hispanic-friendly agenda.
The show will be produced by Tinsel Town’s sole Republican, who prefers to remain anonymous.
Saturday Night Funnies! In our exciting and biting second podcast, POCHO’s Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz, Migrant Editor Al Madrigal and Subcommandanta del News Sara Inés Calderón talk about homeless human WiFi hotspots, an asteroid heading towards Earth, disaster preparedness (Al grows veggies) and the Austin GeekFiesta also known as SXSW (South By Southwest.) LOLs aplenty! (NSFW language.)
Podcast produced by Marcelo Ziperovich, Jefe de Creative, who also took these photos.
Blasting Pres. Barack Obama for letting Vietnam “just sit there,” Perry (R-TX) said the area is susceptible to a light-speed invasion from Mexican Klingons and possibly people who hate Christmas.
“Look, these people have the technology. I’ve seen it. I think the idea that we allow these Mexi-Klingons to come back into Vietnam and take over that country, with all of the treasure, both in blood and money, and uhm, one other thing, oh shit…well with all that we have spent there because this president wants to kowtow to his Borg leftist base…I think it is a huge mistake,” Perry said during the debate.