A concerned viewer from Georgia called CSPAN to expose the Environmental Protection Agency’s secret anti-Christian pro-abortion gay Latino agenda, planned in conjunction with the Sierra Club. The international conspiracy seeks to reduce human population. It happened in Rio, as it turns out.
(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Texas State Senator Dan Patrick, a Republican Lieutenant Governor wannabe, was named Pendejo of the Month Wednesday by the American Pochismo Institute (API.) The award followed his Univision debate Tuesday with San Antonio Mayor Julián Castro (photo.)
API’s designation, which is usually not revealed until the end of the month, was awarded Wednesday to Patrick for actions “Above And Beyond the Call of Douchery” after Patrick sent this Tweet Tuesday evening about how much he loves “Hispanics:”
Nice Jewish girl Sarah Silverman (her sister is a rabbi in Israel) gets to spend some quality time with fellow Jew Jesus F*cking Christ; it turns out Jesus has a mission for Sarah. [NSFW adult language.]
PREVIOUSLY ON SARAH SILVERMAN:
(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Local “birthers” have temporarily put aside their doubts about Pres. Barack Obama’s citizenship to a focus on a question closer to home:
Is Texas State Senator Wendy Davis – a Democratic candidate for governor – a secret Latina?
They assert that Davis is the Anglo version of Juana; that Davis was born into a Mexican family in Oklahoma, and after successfully using her heritage and gender to get into Harvard Law School, she descended on the Lone Star State to reclaim Texas for Aztlán.
Davis gained national attention in June with a filibuster against a Republican bill to severely restrict abortions (while wearing sneakers.) She officially announced her candidacy on October 3.
“There’s no way a real Texan, would be on the side of Latinos in this state — haven’t you been paying attention?” asked Mary Jones, founder of the North Texas Tea Party Patriots, who is also an Obama birther.
“The truth is that we don’t know the truth. She could be a secret Aztlanist who’s been ‘passing’ all this time, we just don’t know, all we’re doing is asking the question.”
We already told you about the attempt to outlaw “looking too Mexican,” but that’s not the only trick the Republicans have up their (cotton-poly-blend) sleeves.
From our Ostin Especial Correspondents — this just in — here are the GOP’s Pocho Ocho new proposals for Texas:
8. Henceforth, the value for Pi π shall, for efficiency purposes, be rounded down to 3.00; additionally only apple pi is permitted
7. SB666, dubbed the “God Is My Co-Pilot Bill,” requires a Gideon Bible in every glove compartment
6. Hug a tree, go to jail
It’s not easy standing up for women’s rights in Texas, but the heroic filibuster by State Sen. Wendy Davis kept the GOP’s anti-abortion SB5 from passing Tuesday night. Our MiJA, Elise Roedenbeck, learned how to Do the Wendy for the camera. [Disclosure: The settlement agreement approved by the judge means we must stay at least 100 yards away from Ms. Roedenbeck, but we can still remind people that she is POCHO’s New Jack City Burro Jefe, Emeritus.]
(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Carmen Reinhart and Kenneth Rogoff, authors of the mathematically-challenged Growth in a Time of Debt pro-“austerity” study, and Jason Richwine, the Heritage Foundation researcher who claimed Hispanics have lower IQs, are the recipients of the 2013 Carlos Castaneda Award for Academic Bullshit, it was announced today.
The prize is named for the Peruvian-born UCLA anthropologist and cult leader who wrote several best-selling books about a Yaqui brujo that were marketed as truth but turned out to be bullshit. It’s presented annually to “those academic authors who manage to fool some of the people some of the time.”
The award, which features a $19.99 monthly stipend and a year’s supply of vegetarian “sausage” for the winners, is a community project of the Soyrizo Foundation of Los Angeles, which is “dedicated to recognizing and celebrating phony-ass shit wherever we find it, with a spicy Latin flair,” executive vice president Penn O. Kehoe said in a foundation press release.
(PNS reporting from TUCSON) Arizona Republicans today proposed new legislation aimed at reducing the number of abortions performed in the state.
Although Arizona already has some of the country’s most extreme restrictions on abortion, State Rep. Kimberly Yee (R-Maricopa), sponsor of House Bill HB1069, says the Hate State still doesn’t fully protect “unborn children.”
“As Republicans, we understand that redefining a fetus as a person will not stop it from being killed. Only one thing stops unlawful killing, and that’s concealed carry. With this in mind, the new law mandates every unborn person in Arizona will be issued his or her own handgun,” she told the mostly-empty legislative chamber.
Funny former Saturday Night Live comedian Amy Poehler is down for Domestic Workers, and comes clean on something not many in the U.S. will admit:
She could not be the busy actress and mom that she is without her hard-working domestic help.
Poehler’s Public Service Announcement (PSA) is a call to action to petition to California Gov. Jerry Brown get him to sign the California Domestic Worker Bill of Rights. Our moms and tias and abuelas have worked hard for years and deserve humane and equitable treatment afforded to others.
You can support the California Domestic Worker Bill of Rights by calling your state senator and Gov. Brown (916-445-2841) today. To learn mas, please visit www.domesticworkers.org.
(PNS reporting from MISSOURI) Rep. (and Senatorial hopeful) Todd Akin (R-MO) intends to write and publish a children’s book that explains to kids how babies are made, according to his staff.
The colorful How Non-Forcible Rape Babies Are Made explains Akin’s understanding of how the human reproductive system works in clear, simple language and bright illustrations especially written for Tea Party Republican voters who approve of his recent comments on rape and pregnancy.
The touchy subject is elucidated in loving and religious detail:
When a rapist loves a mommy, Jesus reaches down from heaven and touches the mommy’s tummy and the miracle of life is created. The end.