On News Channel 8, right before the 5-Day Forecast, there was an impassioned plea for real news. Not that fake news about Miley Cyrus. Or Ñews. Call it an exploration of the through-the-looking-glass world of media making media mocking media, where everything you know is wrong. There’s a signpost up ahead, in the POCHO Zone.
PREVIOUSLY ON TV NEWS:
We’re not climate scientists but we’re pretty sure it rains a lot more in Mexico than in, say, Saudi Arabia. Here’s why.
PREVIOUSLY ON TELEVISION:
The fast food chain goes through 97,000 pounds of avocados every day, and they’re concerned.
PREVIOUSLY ON POLAR VORTEX:
(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) The “so-called Polar Vortex is a hoax” according to a statement just released here by the American Paletero Association (APA.)
“It’s always paleta weather,” the statement said. “Listen to APA: It’s never too cold for ICE.”
“Also,” APA warned, “don’t eat the yellow raspa.”
POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.
Hurricane Marco Rubio is headed up the East Coast, bringing havoc and destruction wherever he makes landfall.
You may not even need the English subtitles to understand this short Esperanto-language animation from England, but here’s a cheat sheet: Mother Earth AKA Gaia seems to be doing fine until Humanity comes along. Is her decline inevitable, or is there Espero?
(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Carmen Reinhart and Kenneth Rogoff, authors of the mathematically-challenged Growth in a Time of Debt pro-“austerity” study, and Jason Richwine, the Heritage Foundation researcher who claimed Hispanics have lower IQs, are the recipients of the 2013 Carlos Castaneda Award for Academic Bullshit, it was announced today.
The prize is named for the Peruvian-born UCLA anthropologist and cult leader who wrote several best-selling books about a Yaqui brujo that were marketed as truth but turned out to be bullshit. It’s presented annually to “those academic authors who manage to fool some of the people some of the time.”
The award, which features a $19.99 monthly stipend and a year’s supply of vegetarian “sausage” for the winners, is a community project of the Soyrizo Foundation of Los Angeles, which is “dedicated to recognizing and celebrating phony-ass shit wherever we find it, with a spicy Latin flair,” executive vice president Penn O. Kehoe said in a foundation press release.
(PNS reporting from SACRAMENTO) Repeating his “small is beautiful” mantra from the 1970s, California Gov. Jerry Brown has taken steps to ban burritos that weigh more than one pound.
“We’re facing an obesity epidemic in the Golden State,” Brown told a press conference here this morning, “and I wouldn’t be the guy who shtupped Latina Linda Ronstadt back in the day if I didn’t travel to the beat of a different drum.”
Brown has issued an executive order directing inspectors from Cal/OSHA (the California Occupational Hazard and Safety Administration) to cite and penalize restaurants that serve massive San Francisco-style “Mission burritos.”
Liberals and conservatives agree — immigrants cause global warning and poison the political atmosphere!
(PNS reporting from ROUTE 66) Area resident Bobby Figueroa is “so totally sick and tired” of the effects of the Second Law of Thermodynamics that he plans to fight the entropy, friends report.
People close to the situation say Figueroa began complaining about the universal tendency of elements in a closed system to flow to an increasingly disordered or entropic state last Thursday, the day he endured a flat tire, a broken tooth and repeated loss-of-signal during a hot game of “Words With Friends.”
“This shit is getting old,” Figueroa, 38, told his dinner companions at Babosa’s Route 66 Diner in Barstow after an evening of bowling in which he broke a nail and tore a shoelace.
(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) The warmer the U.S. gets, the more Latinos live here. That’s the controversial conclusion of a scientific study released Thursday by the Demographic Climatology Trend Institute at Maricopa County Community College.
“We don’t know if the warmer weather makes El Norte a more comfortable place to live for Mexicans used to desert living, you know, with the sombreros and cacti and burros, or that the number of brown people on our side of the border means more sunlight is getting absorbed and kicking up the thermometer,” said Assistant Professor of Ignorametry Joe “Junior” Arapaio.