Dear President Donald Trump:
Now that you’ve become our new emperor, I mean, the 45th President of the United States, I have a confession: I’m an “anchor baby.” Given that you represent the best white hope to “Make America Great Again!” I’m confessing in exchange to be pardoned for my birthright citizenship crime.
Honestly, I didn’t know that being born to Mexican immigrants on work visas violated the law or that pesky little thing called the 14th Amendment of the Constitution. If I would’ve known of your novel interpretation of our Constitution, I mean your Constitution, I would’ve pleaded in my mother’s womb to be aborted.
Oh, I forgot, Republicans don’t believe in abortions. Does the GOP make exceptions for brown fetuses?
After POCHO’s Dennis Wilen AKA Comic Saenz finally came clean about his history with UPenn classmate Donald Trump, we’ve learned more about the events that turned a Child of the 60s into the bitter meng he is today.
Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Reasons Child of the 60s The Donald is so Donald:
8. Still heartbroken and resentful after the end of a passionate love affair with UPenn boyfriend, Afro-Mexican exchange student Mumia Abu-Fuentes.
7. Childhood backyard “fort” overrun by kids playing “Viet Cong.”
6. Kicked out of Wharton School MEChA for attempted “firing” of Cesar Chavez.
(PNS reporting from TUCSON) Cesar Chavez — noted American farm worker, labor leader and civil rights activist — is back from the dead and running for the congressional seat being vacated by retiring Rep. Ed Pastor (D-AZ).
“I will do just about anything to win in Arizona’s heavily Hispanic 7th Congressional District,” Chavez said in a press release, “including rising from the grave if that’s what it takes.”
A Chavez spokesman said the newly-registered Democratic candidate (until recently a two-time Republican loser) had been “flooded with calls” and was no longer speaking to the press, but if he did decide to answer questions, he would not discuss how he came back from the dead or what the afterlife is like.
The Hectors© are named for POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz’ cousin Hector (photo), who is excellent at ruining family gatherings, especially when he has downed his third 12-pack. He hasn’t seen a film since Blood In, Blood Out.
And the Hector© goes to:
(PNS reporting from HAVANA) El Presidente Comrade Raul Castro’s handshake with imperialist war criminal Barack Obama at the Nelson Mandela memorial service in South Africa was a slap in the face of the workers of the world and a betrayal of Cuba’s Communist Revolution, an old school Communist Bay of Pigs veteran charged Tuesday.
“That handshake marks a Day That Will Live in Infamy,” Ernesto “Little Che” Altacaca, 76, told everyone hanging out at People’s Barbershop #245 on Calle de Los Cadres. “It is like the Hitler-Stalin nonaggression pact (photo, below) combined with a very special episode of Chico and the Man.”
“Did El Presidente demand the Yanqui perro return Guantanamo?” the long-time area resident asked. “No! Did he demand an end to the embargo that has penalized the people for half a century? Nyet! Did he insist Obama recognize the workers’ rights to self determination without capitalist exploitation and immediately send six dozen complete gasket sets for 1954 Chrysler New Yorkers? No way! And what about Pete Seeger remitting that record business royalty money for the song he stole from the poor people of Guantanamera?”
The Republican Senator from the Hate State of Arizona, John McCain, is one of the “Gang of Eight” senators behind the new immigration reform bill. Today his office released this love song to the “new voters” he wants to legalize.
In the wake of the Benghazi attacks, Sen. John McCain still has “many many” unanswered questions. Even after a private meeting with U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice and acting CIA Director Michael Morell, McCain’s thirst for knowledge remains unquenched.
Here are the pocho ocho things he still needs to know:
8. Where is this Ben Ghazi fellow?
7. Who is responsible for this pudding?
6. Why hasn’t Ronald Reagan called me back?
(PNS reporting from the HATE STATE OF ARIZONA) Samuel Wurzelbacher – known to most Americans as simply “Joe the Plumber” or “dumbass” – made an recent appearance at a fundraiser for Republican Arizona State Senator candidate Lori Klein and shocked the audience by telling them that the way to solve the country’s illegal Canadian immigration problem is to station troops along the northern border and have them “start shooting the damn snowbacks.”
“For years I’ve said, you know, put a damn fence on the border going to Canada and start shooting. I’m running for Congress and that should be a bad thing to say. But you know what, it’s how I feel…I want my borders protected, I’m very, very adamant about that. I’m sick of these snowbacks sneaking in here illegally!” Wurzelbacher said.