Here are eight addtional changes you can expect:
8. The CIA will only poison leftist leaders with cancer on alternate Wednesdays
7. Government procurement contracts now cap toilet seats prices at $20,000
6. Senate expense accounts now limit lawmakers to three gay hooker visits per week
Hey there, Pochos! This week on MiJA I totally don’t pole dance, Obama isn’t a dork, and the Gang of Eight don’t mix well with vinegar. Also, Kim Jung Un has one black friend.
Don’t make me unleash my powers of brujería! Leave your comments and questions below.
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) President Barack Obama today issued a “Sequestration Proclamation,” which authorizes the freeing of an additional 300 undocumented immigrants from detention centers around the country in advance of looming budget cuts.
While Republicans claimed the freeing of these so-called “Pedroes” would lead to the total collapse of the U.S. economy, the only immediate impact has been the creation of 900 new jobs.
Obama is being hailed as “The Great Sequestrator” by Latinos around the country, and Obama-themed corridos are already staples on Mexican radio.
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Scores of immigrants released due to sequester-forced budget cuts are headed to the nation’s capital to fill gaps in the labor pool, PNS has learned.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) began releasing low priority immigrants from detention centers in New Jersey, Louisiana, California, Texas and Florida earlier this week.
After the immigrants were released, PNS got reports that congressional staffers were driving past detention centers trying to pick up the immigrants for jobs in Washington.
“Immigrants are, once again, doing the job that no one else can do: balancing the budget,” said Manuel Padilla, who was released from a detention center in New Jersey Monday. “About 40 of us came from Jersey, in the back of three pickups!”
This week on Mija: so much crying! I explain the sequester with a stick of butter and discuss Marco Rubio’s visit to Israel. Plus, a bunch of dead sea animals wash ashore mi tierra, Peru and I wear a sweater!
Make sure to leave your questions and comments below.