Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Leading Catholic personalities gathered here this week to address a simmering controversy in the official Divine Advent & Manifestation Union (DAMU): members claim that La Virgen de Guadalupe (photo, center) is a publicity hog when it comes to miraculous appearances.

“Can’t the Son of God just miraculously appear on a slice of toast without someone copying me?” asked Jesus Christ (photo, right). “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for faith and everything, but she goes out of her way to appear on everything! Am I right, people?”

Another virgin in attendance, rarely-seen La Virgen de San Juan (photo, left), said that although she’s “totally cool” with being a lesser-known virgin, she will never be able to grow her Twitter following or sell more CDs when Guadalupe is always “hogging the spotlight.”

“The union has rules for a reason, so everyone has a chance at appearing on tortillas or an oil stain,” San Juan told PNS. “I don’t expect to be number one — I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about the Mother of God here — but I do expect my fair share.”

Mas…Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

Epistle to the Internets: ‘Jesus Had A Jewish Mother’ (toon)

jesusjewishmother“Mom, how many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Don’t worry about me, Sammy, I’ll just sit here in the dark.” [RIMSHOT.]

Was it any different for Jesus of Nazareth and his Jewish mother Mary?

Cartoonista Idan Schneider answers the kvetching question as the toon continues here: Jesus Had A Jewish Mom.

PREVIOUSLY ON JUDIOS:

Mas…Epistle to the Internets: ‘Jesus Had A Jewish Mother’ (toon)

Top five appearances by La Virgen de Guadalupe

virgen_de_guadalupe_tattoo_by_srhiena-d5b99mpYou know you’ve heard the story before. A grandmother in a faraway place has found La Virgen on her tortilla or her window or her ceiling or wherever it is that she found her.

Don’t pretend like you haven’t looked for things shaped like La Virgen before! It’s all a part of our culture, but because it’s also a recurring and hilarious part, we wanted to round up the list for you.

  1. A Tortilla – This is one of the most common ones, close second to Jesus on a piece of toast.
  2. A Tree – I wrote about this one when I was a reporter on the border, but I’m not the only one.

    Mas…Top five appearances by La Virgen de Guadalupe

Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Leading Catholic personalities gathered here this week to address a simmering controversy in the official Divine Advent & Manifestation Union (DAMU): members claim that La Virgen de Guadalupe (photo, center) is a publicity hog when it comes to miraculous appearances.

“Can’t the Son of God just miraculously appear on a slice of toast without someone copying me?” asked Jesus Christ (photo, right). “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for faith and everything, but she goes out of her way to appear on everything! Am I right, people?”

Another virgin in attendance, rarely-seen La Virgen de San Juan (photo, left), said that although she’s “totally cool” with being a lesser-known virgin, she will never be able to grow her Twitter following or sell more CDs when Guadalupe is always “hogging the spotlight.”

“The union has rules for a reason, so everyone has a chance at appearing on tortillas or an oil stain,” San Juan told PNS. “I don’t expect to be number one — I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about the Mother of God here — but I do expect my fair share.”

Mas…Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

Pocho Ocho signs you grew up in a Mexican family/household

popowarriorHere is a listicle partially inspired by a mas longer listicle on BuzzFeed, because they are the listicle professionals, tu sabes.

¡Mira! The Pocho Ocho signs you grew up in a Mexican household/family:

8. Virgen de Guadalupe veladoras.

7. Your first introduction to dramatic acting was a telenovela.

6. You always wondered why gringos celebrated Cinco de Mayo more than your family.

5. You can recognize the Aztec princess Iztaccihuatl AND the warrior Popocateptl (photo) on sight.

Mas…Pocho Ocho signs you grew up in a Mexican family/household

Pocho Ocho ways for a sinner like you to get into heaven

Heaven is exactly like this

Easter got us thinking about The End. Will we make it past those pearly gates into heaven?

You could try to live your life by your religion’s standards, sure, but where’s the fun in that? Here are pocho ocho ways for a sinner like you to get past St. Peter:

8. Invest in a timeshare now
Hey, it works when you want to go to Palm Springs or Miami — why not heaven?

7. Make a shrine in your home burning 72 veladoras at any given time
It’s common knowledge that every candle you light is like another spiritual brownie point. So, logically, the more candles, the more likely you can get into heaven.

6. Name your son Jesús or your daughter Guadalupe
It has to be true — otherwise we wouldn’t all have uncles named Chuy or cousins named Lupe.

Mas…Pocho Ocho ways for a sinner like you to get into heaven