Russki space junk crash brings Mayan Doomsday – are we screwed?

(PNS reporting from MIAMI) The imminent crash – later this week – of a Russian space probe scares local spiritual gurus and national experts alike. All of them fear that the death dive of the Russki rocket is a Cosmic Warning of the Mayan Doomsday, scheduled for Dec. 21. Their big brains, however, are split on ways to prevent the Beginning of the End.

“Oh it’s easy,”  one local specialist told PNS. “Just burn the candles.” Futurologist Pat Robertson’s advice is just one word: “Run!”

Russians espace commissars have predicted that fragments from the failed Phobos-Ground probe are expected to fall to Earth around Jan. 15.

What can an ordinary person do?

“Candles, definitely lots of candles,” said S.W. 46th St. curandero Alejandro “La Luz de Jesus” Sosa.

“And I don’t just mean any candles,” he said. “You need the right veladora, and I have a good selection right here. They have to have the face of Jesus on them, the more panicked-looking the better. You want to put them everywhere with a thing like this happening. I have them on my roof, in the bathroom, out the in the driveway, I even have one strapped to a helmet because you can’t be too careful.”

Famed Psychic Friends Network innovator and hair wrappista Miss Cleo strongly disagreed and said she alone knows the answer to surviving the end of days.

“Candles? No, baby. This is the end of the world and I alone can tell you exactly how to survive it. What you must do is gather up all of your pennies, all of your dimes, nickels and your dollars and call Miss Cleo. Call me now and I will advise you on exactly what to do when these wicked pieces fall to the ground. Find out what I see for you and make sure you have your credit card ready,” she said.

Astral Plane Surfer Chester Ball, who channels the spirit of the late Esther Rolle, the Good Times star turned psychic, believes the falling space trash will bring temporary layoffs, easy credit rip-offs, and people hanging in a chow line. When pressed for ways to prevent the disaster, Ball/Rolle sighed and said, “Damn. Damn. Damn.”

The 700 Club’s Senior Catastropher, Pat Robertson, offered this advice for people afraid of the falling debris:

Look, this is communist Mexican space trash, OK? This is God’s way of saying ‘No to communism’ and especially ‘No to invading Mexican commies.’ I would warn Americans that they are right in the way of some serious illegal pinko trash and I don’t think I’d be endorsing Obama right now if I were you.

Little Havana resident Manila Envelopé is skeptical. “I’m into superstitions, black cats and voodoo dolls,” she said. “But satellites falling on Miami? You must be loco.”

S. J. Rivera is an indie publisher/author and  Tweets as @SJRivera

For more on the apocalyptic conjunction of espace exploration, the gray aliens, Mexico and the coming doomsday, see ¡Puta Nasa!

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of the Pocho Corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.