Ñewsweek: Rosie tells Romney, Rodriguez backs Romney, RIP Impala

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These are the stories that broke the ñews this week on POCHO.

Award-winning Pocho Rican actress Rosie Perez released a video that explained how she is totally in agreement with Gov. Mitt Romney about how it SO helpful being Latino; Mexican-American Paul Rodriguez spoke up for the Rominator in a Spanish audio message we translated for you; and New Mexico was the setting for a sad story of the last unmodified 1964 Chevrolet Impala.

Mira los links:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Rosie tells Romney, Rodriguez backs Romney, RIP Impala

Cypress Hill, Rusko, Damian Marley: ‘Can’t Keep Me Down’ (video)

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South Gate, CA homeboys Cypress Hill released Insane in the Brain (video, below) almost 20 years ago. It’s 2012, do you know where your brain is? Why here it is — up “amongst the clouds!”

This visually stunning new music video, Can’t Keep Me Down, is a Cypress Hill collaboration with dubstep producer Rusko and Damian Marley. You totally want to maximize your video player and crank your sound for this. (Possibly NSFW lyrics.)

Here’s your flashback:

Mas…Cypress Hill, Rusko, Damian Marley: ‘Can’t Keep Me Down’ (video)

Denver man’s shocking confession: ‘I prefer flour to corn tortillas’

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(PNS reporting from DENVER) Felix Garcia is out of the closet.  The Five Points resident called friends and family together yesterday to confess the secret he had kept hidden for so long:

I just didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t Mexican enough. I mean, corn is OK and everything, but oh my God, a good flour tortilla is unlike anything else!

Long considered the more “authentic” tortilla, corn tortillas have been the favorites of Mexicans from Southern Mexico for centuries, as well as Chicanos interested in joining MEChA.

Advertising executive Garcia (photo)  spent most of his life feigning a preference for corn over flour, hoping that no one would notice his secret stash hidden in the deli drawer of the fridge, under the cold cuts, cream cheese and lox.

Mas…Denver man’s shocking confession: ‘I prefer flour to corn tortillas’

End of Hispanic Heritage Month leaves many unsure how to go on

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(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Hispanic Heritage Month is over and without the corporate-approved celebration as a focus, members of the local Hispanic/Latino community aren’t really sure how they can go on being members of the local Hispanic/Latino community.

“Where do I go from here?” lamented Brooklyn native and prolific bloguera Marielena Gutierrez (photo).

“Should I tell people to call me Mary Ellen for the remaining 11 months of the year? It’s not like they ever pronounce it right anyway,” she wrote on her PobrePickle blog.

Mas…End of Hispanic Heritage Month leaves many unsure how to go on

Miami braces for mass influx as Cuba lifts travel restrictions

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(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Restrictions that kept Cubans from fleeing the island for half a century will be lifted, according to the Communist Party Central Committee’s official newspaper, Granma.

And in a candid interview, America’s favorite Latino rebel Fidel Castro was asked how he felt America would respond to the new policy and expected exodus. He replied simply: “Fuck ‘em.”

“As part of the work under way to update the current migratory policy and adjust it to the conditions of the present and the foreseeable future, the Cuban government, in exercise of its sovereignty, has decided to again flood Miami with even more of our people because fuck America. How you like me now, bitches?” Castro told PNS.

Mas…Miami braces for mass influx as Cuba lifts travel restrictions

Exclusive: Obama preps ‘zingers’ for debate with Romney (photo)

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Pres. Barack Obama, stung by criticism of his lackluster performance in the first debate, is hard at work prepping for tonight’s encounter with Gov. Mitt Romney. Sources tell PNS that First Lady Michelle Obama is helping out with flashcards of “zingers” and furnished this exclusive photo.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT.  DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Letter from Ex-MRS. POCHO: ‘All employees must vote for Romney’

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Dear Employees of Pochismo, Inc.:

As most of you know, the company continues to grow in spite of the half-assed crap job you do. However, I can’t really expect you to be good at anything, considering my huevon ex-husband, MR. POCHO, is your boss. A piñata has better leadership skills than him. That is why I am taking the initiative to educate you about the upcoming election.

Currently, your lack of talent poses no threat to your job status. What does pose a threat is another four years of the Obamanation Administration.

Having been awarded a substantial portion of POCHO stock as part of our divorce settlement, I have a great interest in your financial well-being. MR. POCHO and I started this company almost 11 months ago and even though I am heiress to the Jupína soda fortune, I have put my duties of exotic travel and party-time debauchery on hold in order to focus on POCHO’s growth.

Mas…Letter from Ex-MRS. POCHO: ‘All employees must vote for Romney’

End of an era: The 1964 Chevrolet Impala is extinct in the wild

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(PNS reporting from NEW MEXICO) The United States Department of Transportation (USDOT) has offically declared the 1964 Chevrolet Impala “extinct on the streets of the nation” according to USDOT spokesperson Pablo Boone, who said yesterday the last remaining unmodified Impala was “poached earlier this month in Northern New Mexico.”

The 64 Chevy Impala SS Sports Coupe with a 327-cubic-inch 5.4 L engine with matching serial numbers that went missing was owned by Bob Gallegos of Costilla, NM who inherited it from his Abuelo Eulogio. Grandpa traded 15 sheep for the vehicle in 1965 (photo from 2009, above.)

An anonymous tip lead led to a USDOT raid on Maestas’s Custom Shop in Cibola County where the Impala was found with newly-installed hydraulics and a blue metal-flake paint job.

Mas…End of an era: The 1964 Chevrolet Impala is extinct in the wild

Things were simpler then: Convenience food ad from the 50s (video)

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Things were simpler then, when you didn’t have to worry about stuff like cholesterol and vegetables and carbs and gluten — the good old 1950s when a foil-wrapped TV Dinner meant a party for your mouth — a mouth party in vivid black and white! It was the Age of Tang for Pete’s sake! How many of you are old enough to remember this Mom-approved easy-to-prepare specialty, oven-ready Suck’em Downs?

Rosie Perez to Romney: Being a Latina is SO much easier! (video)

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Dear Governor Romney: You were so totally right about how much easier it would be if you were a Latino. Even luckier, a Latina with a vagina!

Did you like this video? We sure do! Pero k lastima, so many people came to see it this morning our servers crashed. We need more and better gear. Can you help POCHO make and serve up more ñews y satire with a contribution? Read our clever pitch and kick in $10 or $20 if you can. ¡Gracias!

 

 

Toke the Vote urges big turnout for Tuesday Presidential election

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(PNS reporting from OAKLAND) “Are you planning on voting Tuesday, brah?” Dale Mendoza scrunched his eyes shut behind his dark sunglasses as he concentrated on his phone call with a potential voter in Arkansas.

“This election is critical, OK, and we totally need your vote.” Mendoza (photo, left) was the team leader of two dozen phone bank volunteers in a basement office in this Northern California city, possible the country’s most pot-friendly municipality.

The smoke-filled room is a California outpost of Toke the Vote, a coalition of pro-marijuana political activists backed by the Zig-Zag cigarette papers company and ConAgra’s Screaming Yellow Zonkers snack products.

Mas…Toke the Vote urges big turnout for Tuesday Presidential election

Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Lunsford Richardson

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FINAL INSTALLMENT: They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH.

Mrs. Mary Smith Richardson was not a happy camper, if they even had camps in Selma, AL in 1884. New husband Lundsford Richardson had an honors degree in Latin from Davidson College but didn’t make enough to raise a family. After all, how many Latin-speakers lived in Alabama in the 19th Century, not to mention Latinos?

When Mary got pregnant while Lunsford was teaching at the Little River Academy, they knew things had to change quick.

With a loan from from Mary’s brother, a physician, Lunsford started a small pharmacy in Selma.

Mas…Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Lunsford Richardson

Ñewsweek: Obama speaks Spanish, Cesar y Hugo Chavez, angry Chicana

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There he goes again, that esneaky Barack Obama appealing to voters in a foreign language! For real Americans (who only speak English), we’ve translated his latest commercial so you can understand exactly where this vato is coming from. Sorry, we said “vato.”

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, as both Cesar y Hugo Chavez made the headlines. The official National Monument to civil rights hero Cesar Chavez was dedicated in Kern County by El Presidente (POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz was there with his family and a camera) and Iran-loving commie dictator Hugo Chavez got reelected and then endorsed Obama.

And in San Francisco’s Mission District, one angry Chicana was not at all happy with her vida loca and wrote all about it. These are the stories that broke the ñews this week on POCHO:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Obama speaks Spanish, Cesar y Hugo Chavez, angry Chicana

Cri-Cri, El Grillito Cantor: ‘La Marcha De Las Letras’ (video)

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Face it — you could use some remedial work on your Spanish vowels (las cinco vocales.) But when everyone’s favorite singing cricket is around, mijos, it’s easy! Cri-Cri is here with La Marcha De Las Letras. (Yes, we know about the flaca and the gorda and the letters I and O. This song is from history. The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there.)

Here are the lyrics:

Mas…Cri-Cri, El Grillito Cantor: ‘La Marcha De Las Letras’ (video)

Mayan Apocalyspe here? The Stones are all ‘Doom and Gloom’ (video)

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It’s a brand new Rolling Stones song and it’s about zombies! No, it isn’t about Keef, even though it’s called Doom and Gloom. It’s about fracking, senseless wars, thieving politicos, heartless asshats, etc.

Mick Jagger saves the world of course:

[I] crash landed in the Louisiana swamp, shot up a horde of zombies but I come out on top

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