(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Mexico is throwing in the towel — and picking up a broom — after Club America’s humiliating defeat to Toronto FC in the CONCACAF Champions League semi-final Tuesday night. The loss signaled the death of the country’s storied soccer tradition.
After the 4-2 aggregate defeat, club officials for the Mexico City-based team said the result left little choice but to seek other options for a new national sport.
Now that UNIVISION has become a part owner of The Onion, our media analysts have compiled the Pocho Ocho top changes you can expect from the new corporation:
8. Daily stories tagged #TelemundoFail
7. Don Francisco’s triumphant return to TV as Area Man
6. Univision closes failing millennial-oriented website The Cilantro
You’re passionate, Mr. and/or Ms. Hispanic, and emotional. You like stories, and web video stories under one minute long especially. Do we have some stories for you! Also tacos, which all Hispanics love, futbol ditto, and la musica, piñatas and burros tambien. HEY! WHAT ABOUT SPICY?
Dire Straits’ hit Sultans of Swing filled the air in Sao Paolo, Brazil, last week. This guy rocks!
Tuesday’s disastrous Brazil-Germany FIFA2014 World Cup futbol match, which ended in Germany whipping the host country 7-1, has saddened the nation (photo.) And on Wednesday, Brazil’s soccer fans were struggling to understand what exactly went wrong.
We analyzed press and social media reactions and translated from the Portuguese to bring you their Pocho Ocho top reasons for Brazil’s FAIL:
8. Blame it on the bossa nova, with its magic spell.
7. All those pesky Hitler clones on the Brazil team let Germany win.
6. Alemania? We thought we were playing Ally McBeal!
Is the feber ju get from watching the World Cups and being so mad at the referees and Holland and wonder who put brujeria on Brazil, that ju want to hit the telebision with a cuchara from the kishen. But I watch the games anyways.
The only gway I can watch the games now is to drink some micheladas to make me want to hit the telebision less times. So today I tell ju how to make chilaquiles to go with the beers that ju need in order to watch the games of the third place and the finals this week.
First the ingrediens:
- Tortillas (the more estale the better, like the U.S. defense except for Howard’s)
- Corn oil (slippery oil like the FIFA)
How’s your Portuguese? The LiveLeak uploader says this high-tech balsero is yelling “Why do we need hospitals, roads, schools and public security if we have the World Cup? Give [me] my beer to enjoy this shit!”
Futbol fans went topless to flaunt their ripped torsos for the camera and World Cup FIFA Fan Fest crowds in Sao Paolo Saturday.
PREVIOUSLY ON SOCCER:
We don’t know why this video is called Mexican Elephant, or why the commentary is in Hebrew, since we think this footage was shot in Thailand. Nevertheless, we agree with the announcer: Shabbat Shalom! !שַׁבָּת שָׁלוֹם
(PNS reporting from HUNTINGTON PARK, CALIFAS) Hundreds of local athletic supporters — fans of the Mexican World Cup futbol team — celebrated El Tri’s 3-1 victory over Croatia Monday afternoon (photo, above). The celebration was mostly peaceful and Huntington Park police said only four fans were arrested — three for disorderly conduct and one for leaning like a cholo in the wrong direction.
POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.
When a Brazilian TV guy tries to prank visiting Mexican futbol fans with what he thinks is super-spicy salsa, it turns out the joke is actually on him. What’s uber picante in Brazil, tu sabes, ranks as “meh” to Mexicanos. One intended victim actually thinks Brazil-boy’s salsa is kind of “sweet.”
PREVIOUSLY ON SALSA:
(PNS reporting from MONTREAL, QUEBEC) Authorities here are scrambling to halt the spread of a Mexicanized version of poutine, Canada’s beloved national dish of French fries covered with gravy and cheese.
The increasingly-popular poutine burrito, known as a “pou-to” or “poutito” (photo, above) has already swept through Montreal, and officials fear “pou-tos” will cross the Quebec provincial border into neighboring Ontario.
When American Latinos watch Spanish-langugage FIFA broadcasts from Brazil, some are shocked by the casual use of words like “greña” and “moreno” that would be considered offensive in the U.S. This report from Public Radio International explores the controversy:
PREVIOUSLY ON SPANISH TV:
Gustavo ¡Ask A Mexican! Arellano continues on his World Cup kick with a discussion of the Mexican team’s performance in their tied match with Brazil and the spectators’ habit of calling the opposing team putos. [NSFW adult language.] P.S.: Spoiler warning: You may be a puto if….
YouTuber Dan Newbie plays bottles, pans, pots and salt shakers, overdubs his nalgas off, and runs through a bunch of Brazil-oriented tunes, the better to World Cup you with, my dear.
PREVIOUSLY ON BRAZIL:
Inspired by L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti’s L.A Kings F-bomb on live TV, on-the-air sports presenters in Ireland dropped the bomb during halftime of Tuesday’s Mexico-Brazil match. [NSFW adult language if someone there at your job can understand the thick Irish brogues. It’s more like “fookin” or something.]
(PNS reporting From NEW YORK CITY) The Jumbotron in Times Square in New Jack City flashes news of a g o o o o a l by USMNT forward Herculez Gomez in World Cup competition against Ghana and Manhattan passersby react as only New Yorkers can.
Antonio Vazquez Alba, popularly known as the the Grand Warlock of Mexico, is working his magic on the World Cup, cursing opposing teams and clearing the way for a victory by Mexico. El Brujo Mayor’s track record in influencing and predicting world events is unsurpassed; he famously predicted President Obama would not be reelected to a second term.
In the World Cup for the Futbol Team with the Most Twitter Followers, the winner is Selección Mexicana, @miseleccionmx on the Tuiter:
Attention assorted Latinos and gringos: Are you stuck in Buenos Aires far away from home when you’d rather be watching the World Cup with your amigos? Come on down to La Fábrica del Taco (LFDT) at either Gorriti 5062 Palermo or Baez 246 Cañitas for comida, cerveza and futbol! Maybe you’ll miss home a little less. [“La Fábrica del Taco,” they write on their SoundCloud page, “es una taqueria bien chingona en Buenos Aires, Argentina. La única y autentica taqueria al sur de la frontera. Invitamos a todos los melo.”]
Does your Argentinan taqueria have a SoundCloud page? The Taco Factory does: