Speaker of the House John Boehner has the sad now that his GOP bromantic buddy Majority Leader Eric Cantor is stepping down. What’s that? Water gushing from Boehner’s ojos? Elise Roedenbeck’s musical dramatization is called Tear Drops for Eric Cantor.
Last week, the Republican-uncontrolled House of Representatives failed to pass a minimal spending bill to help with the unexpected crush of Central American refugees, adjourned, and then reconvened to approve a mean-spirited barebones measure that also would reverse President Obama’s DACA relief for DREAMers, and worse. Then they adjourned again.
Of course, the bill has no chance of passage in the Senate, let alone getting a Presidential signature.
Their obstructionist mission accomplished, the do-nothing pendejos left town for their summer hideouts in the rich white safety of their home districts.
Their Tea Party-twisted debates, however, left a lingering aroma over Capitol Hill, and it wasn’t Laspang Souchong.
SPOILER ALERT: The aroma was SHIT.
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) A close look at a recent C-SPAN video reveals that Florida Democratic Congressman Joe Garcia, Jr. picked his ear wax and ate it on live TV, a Cuban folkloric ritual rarely seen outside Miami’s Cuban-American community.
“La Ceremonia de la Cera del Oído can be traced to a curandero who lived in Guantanamera, Cuba around 1750 or so,” University of Miami Professor of Anthropology Freso “Biff” del Blanco told PNS.
“By eating the ear wax in public, the eater hopes to symbolically ingest and consume all that he is hearing through his ears, to better understand the cacophony of voices in his head.”
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) As the Republican-controlled House of Representatives left town for a five-week paid vacation, GOP leaders warned members returning to their home districts to be on high alert because of unspecified “threats of liberalism.”
“These liberals are out there with their ‘logic and facts and science,’ and all our malarkey will Ben Ghazi in our faces if we’re not careful,” Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) cautioned in a memo to his partisans Friday.
“Members are urged to stay close to their vacation retreats in gate-guarded communities, hunting lodges, country clubs and private marinas,” Boehner wrote, “and avoid potentially hazardous areas that may harbor liberals and their sympathizers. College campuses, where Republicans can easily get bamboozled by Improvised Intellectual Debates (IIDs), are particularly dangerous.”