The Easter Story: Why advertising to Hispanics sucks balls* [Updated]



Technically, the word I should have used above, in the headline, is “Manipulates.” As in, “Safely Manipulate Your Balls When You Celebrate!”

That’s what the Federal Drug Administration advises this season, anyway. (Screen capture, above.)

But I’m a writer who has spent a lifetime in both advertising and journalism, and I know the value of good clickbait when I have it in my hands.

Er… Line of sight. Sorry, I’m distracted by the FDA advising me to fondle one’s nether regions for Easter.

Mas…The Easter Story: Why advertising to Hispanics sucks balls* [Updated]

Hispanic moms: Serve Jimmy Dean® for a dubious breakfast! (video)

¡Hola, Hispanic moms! Serving your Hispanic family a dubiously-healthy breakfast is just a button-push away with Jimmy Dean® Brand croissant, egg, sausage and cheese breakfast sandwiches. Not only are they graded F for nutrition but you can heat them in the microwave to pretend you care! Each delicious serving packs a generous 60% of the daily recommended fat allowance and that means 45% of the cholesterol quota AND 60% of the saturated fat limit.

Wait, there’s more! Each sammich features a full half ounce of protein and over a third of your daily allowance for salt. Jimmy mexplains:

CHICAGO–(EON: Enhanced Online News)–The Jimmy Dean brand (, America’s favorite traditional breakfast sausage brand* will release a new Spanish-language TV commercial this month to promote its popular line of breakfast sandwiches to Hispanic consumers.

Mas…Hispanic moms: Serve Jimmy Dean® for a dubious breakfast! (video)

Pocho Ocho ways you gabacho guys might be Hispandering

Since the election, all the cool guys want to be Latinos and maybe you do too, Mr. White, Non-Hispanic-American. We understand, but we want to make sure you don’t go overboard. Peep our pocho ocho ways you might be Hispandering:

8. Goodbye iPod, hello maracas
7. Your name is now spelled Bíll Coñnelly
6. You call the guys in your golf foursome “mi gente”
5. You lower your Prius
4. You change your name to Geraldo
3. Lifetime membership in Chest Hair Club for Men
2. Complain “it would be easier if I were Latino”

And the numero uno way you might be Hispandering is…

You only date women with unibrows.

Image courtesy costumes in ‘plus sizes’ here.

BFFs Mitt, Darryl visit Latino sites for Hispanic Heritage Month (photos)

They hooked up Tuesday when the candidate visited a Denver-area Chipotle.

Then GOP presidential candidate and Latino-lover Mitt Romney and new BFF Darryl went on a bromance tour of other important Latino institutions to mark Hispanic Heritage Month, as seen in this photo of their visit to Sophia Vergara’s breasts. (She recently described her chi-chis as a “pain in the ass.“)

Inspired by Vergara, the duo made a few more estops:

Mas…BFFs Mitt, Darryl visit Latino sites for Hispanic Heritage Month (photos)

FLOTUS on healthy food for Chicano kids: Eat like Puerto Ricans

First Lady at Goya photo-op (screen capture

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Joining First Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! initiative, Goya Foods, the largest Hispanic-owned U.S. food company, will help promote MiPlato, the USDA program designed to encourage children to make healthier eating choices.

“Today’s announcement is about eliminating diabetes in the Mexican-American community by helping them make better choices, and, with the help of Goya, forcing them to eat like Cubans and Puerto Ricans,” Obama said Friday.

“Everything that Goya is doing,” she said, “centers around a simple idea: this country’s Mexican children need to be told what to eat by a corporate conglomerate that mass-produces Caribbean food.”

Obama joined Goya president Bob Unanue and leading Latino organizations at a Tampa supermarket to promote healthy eating nationwide with a special focus on the incorrectly-nourished Mexican-American community.

Mas…FLOTUS on healthy food for Chicano kids: Eat like Puerto Ricans