Pocho Ocho Cyber Lunes gift tips are just a clika guey

As long as the boss isn’t looking, today is the day when pochos all over America go holiday gift shopping on the Internets. If you’re not shopping at Lalo Alcaraz’s place, these Pocho Ocho gift tips (with links) will turn your Cyber Lunes from Mission Impossible to Cyber Espace Mission Accomplished:

8. Santa’s Helpers are cool, sure, but so last year! Nalgas Helpers are bringing sexy back (and backs) with their American-made line of butt thong bar stools. When the clear view is the rear view, click on over to order the furniture that will make your family room the “Best of Barrio” for 2012!

7. Want to join a clika but don’t have time for the painful initiation rituals? Unsure about which gang to join? For under $12 this pack of six red and six blue bandanas will help you make new friends all over town. [Free chipping today only!]
6. We know, we know. You came for the mezcal but stayed for the worms! Tasty worms! Yummy worms! Tummy worms! But why drink endless bottles of cactus juice just for the worms when worms by the handful, worms by the bucket, domestic AMERICAN worms from sanitary Compton, CA are just a clika way at Rainbow Mealworms, where worms are a meal AND a rainbow.
5. Exercise is sweaty, dull and takes time away from valuable activities like Call of Duty and Fantasy Futbol. Am I right, vatos? And yet all the hynas are crazy ’bout a buffed-out man with six-pack abs. There’s help for all involved with AbHancer, the body sculpture tool that molds fat into what appears to be muscle, in just minutes! Are you man enough for AbHancer?
4. Ann Romney’s husband Willard may be a loser but the former Massachusetts First Lady is still a MILF (Mormon I’d Like to F—.) And what’s her secret? Sexy Mormon Magical Chonies, available from MormonSecret.com. Underwear for men and women with that special Mormon magic. [Batteries not included.]
3. They say “You get what you pay for” and that’s fer sure, holmes, when you can get Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s America’s Toughest Sheriff: How We Can Win the War Against Crime starting at $.01 at Amazon.
2. The election is over and it’s time to let bygones be bygones. Console your Republican friends on the death of their Grand Old Party with designer decorative roses made from elephant poo paper (de-odorized.) [Resemblance to actual GOP turd blossoms totally coincidental.]
And the numero uno Cyber Lunes best Christmas gift tip is…
Star Trek Red Shirt Cologne. From the catalog: “Put yourself in the line of fire. Because tomorrow may never come. Red Shirt Cologne is made for the young, modern man of the galaxy who doesn’t hesitate; who revels in being alive today. Red Shirt Cologne instills confidence…living each day as though it could be your last. It’s a daring men’s fragrance for those brave enough to place no trust in tomorrow.” [Not recommended for Latino actors.]