The Pocho Ocho worst Valentine’s Day gifts evah?

8. Candy Bra: Lets face it, dude, the gift wasn’t really for your girl — it was for your own enjoyment. If eating chalky conversation hearts is what turns you on, you might as well just give her one. Plus, you could have thrown it on her body when she was naked. Now you just wasted $14.95 instead of Brachs conversation hearts which are 99 cents.

7. Humidifer: Don’t buy shit just because it’s on sale, unless he or she has severe allergies. Do not let yourself look like a mouth breather.

6. Electric Blanket: I know, I know, I actually got this as a gift on Valentine’s Day. He explained that because he had a Jeep I should take it along when we go out. Shortly after the relationship ended, the blanket ended as well when my niece spilled her Dora the Explorer juice box all over it.

Mas…The Pocho Ocho worst Valentine’s Day gifts evah?

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Delicious aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day salsa

I’m Elena Maria Celina Carrillo Martinez de los Angeles Delgadillo Trujillo…Lopez. But you can call me Lencha.

Today my son is in his room reading his Naruto muñequito books, so I can chare with you my special recipe for Valentime’s Day.

M’ijo don’t like it when I talk about sexy things because me and his daddy are divorce because his daddy like to stick his weenie ebrywhere.

M’ijo usually checks my espelling but oh gwell. Since I have a little gwhile, I give you the recipe for Aphrodisiac Salsa.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Delicious aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day salsa

HBO to launch Latina version of ‘Girls’ called ‘Chicas’

(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) HBO’s mega hit Girls is getting a spin-off — a Latina version called Chicas.

“We woke up and smelled the cafecito,” producer Elizabeth Ferris told a press conference here this morning, “and the pan dulce.”

“The success of Girls is indisputable and we want to be able to bring that success to the Latino community,”  Ferris said. “I don’t know if any Latinos actually watch Girls, but everyone is into the ‘Latino thing’ these days, so why not Chicas?”

Mas…HBO to launch Latina version of ‘Girls’ called ‘Chicas’

Local Latina mom tired of people suddenly caring about her, Latinos

(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) María Solis is tired. Specifically, she’s tired of everybody suddenly caring about what she thinks — about anything at all.

Ever since the election and subsequent media obsession with the “Latino voter,” her  life has changed dramatically.

“It’s getting to be a bit much,” she told PNS in a Skype interview Thursday night. “I mean, now everyone is all considerate of my feelings about things. I keep getting asked what my thoughts on immigration reform or gun control are — I’ve had enough!”

Solis, mother of four-year-old fraternal twins Santino and Elise, misses the days when people would crack racist jokes in front of her and her Mexican-born mother as though they didn’t exist.

Mas…Local Latina mom tired of people suddenly caring about her, Latinos

Ñewsweek: Latina’s lament, Jean Naté returns, video editor fired

In East L.A., activist Vanessa “Coyolxauhqui” García had a sad and broke down crying at a community meeting right before the end of the year. Garcia was distraught at the gap between her aspirations and the sad state of the world.

In the San Fernando Valley, adult video editor Roberto Mendoza faced an uncertain future after being fired for browsing Internet spreadsheets at work.

And in New Jersey, a bottle of Jean Naté was regifted to its original gifter 19 years after its purchase at Rexall.

In the final year of the Mayan Apocalypse, the Year of the Chancla, these stories broke the ñews on POCHO:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Latina’s lament, Jean Naté returns, video editor fired

I could have been an astrophysicist, except I’m a Latina

Back in October, Florida created a new set of educational policies which permits/expects blacks and Latinos to test lower on standardized tests than whites or Asian students.  Since they’re expected to test lower,  Florida thereby eliminates the  embarassing “achievement gap” and the white education bureaucrats can “stand their ground.”

While we’re at it, why don’t we segregate each classroom per race? We can even have separate bathrooms and drinking fountains per race. Seems legit!

I am actually the product of the Florida school system. This ethnic divide rule reminds me of my first year at the University of Central Florida. Though I had a great high school record and was making straight As, I had to take mandatory seminars teaching me how to do well in school.

Did everyone have to take these courses? Nope. Well, why would a straight-A student have to attend such seminars?

Because I am Latina.

Mas…I could have been an astrophysicist, except I’m a Latina

Ñewsweek: Meet Princess Malinche, beat the Gap, Fidel’s not dead

Sofia the First, Disney’s new animated princess is a Latina, hooray! Wait, she’s not a Latina? Well, then who is Disney’s Latina princess? Princess Malinche, you say? Orale!

Another ñewsweek at POCHO meant princesses,  the Gap’s taste in t-shirts, Mitt’s taste in short shorts, Fidel Castro is still not dead, Donald Trump is still a jerk and more.

The links:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Meet Princess Malinche, beat the Gap, Fidel’s not dead

Educated Bay Area Chicana wants to know ‘What about my needs?’

(PNS reporting from SAN FRANCISCO) A Chicana with a Juris Doctor degree and a Master’s in Public Policy from the University of California at Berkeley recently reflected on her career as the director of a non-profit serving underprivileged youth in the Mission District. Why, she wondered, was she was working so hard to give back.

“Have I ever really lived? I always thought I wanted to give back to the community — it’s given me so much, everything actually — but I’ve never even been to the wine country!” said Paloma Ortiz, a native of the Mission.

Ortiz (photo, above, at her office) noted that although she studied Chicano/a studies and law, her real passion was French literature. Now that she’s in the prime of her life, the prospect of helping her community was increasingly less appealing.

Mas…Educated Bay Area Chicana wants to know ‘What about my needs?’

Happy Hispanic Heritage Month? Money won’t buy you love

It’s Hispanic Heritage Month. Break out a novelty sombrero and a bottle of Patron, because like a taco smothered in salsa, heritage is waay more palpable when it’s smothered in consumerism…

I often encounter people who don’t understand why I identify as Hispanic. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I think it comes down to this: they’re eating the shit sandwich.

The shit sandwich is served-up fresh daily by consumerism. Let’s process culture, strip it of all that gunk we don’t need (like knowledge and power), and behold — now you can buy a poncho at Urban Outfitters. Culture itself has no value outside the bounds of consumption.

Culture is no different than a box of cereal.

Mas…Happy Hispanic Heritage Month? Money won’t buy you love

Why do I discipline my daughter – and dance – in Español?

As a small girl, I refused to speak Spanish with my mother.

She was born in Sonora, MX and grew up speaking nothing but Spanish so this must have frustrated her. Now, I think, wouldn’t it have been easier to just learn the language while I was small?

Thankfully, I finally realized the value of being bilingual in my teen years and made a commitment to become fluent in Spanish during high school.

I watched only Spanish TV and every summer my mom would drop me off in Hermosillo to be immersed in the culture and spend time with my cousins. It was a lot of fun, and it worked.

Now that I am a mom, I think I might have figured out why I refused my mother’s native language for so long. Just the other day, my daughter acted out in public over the absence of her sippy cup and the first words that came flowing out of my mouth were, “Mi hijita, no me grites. Espérate por favor.”

The situation caught my attention when everyone around us stopped what they were doing and looked at us, confused. That’s when I realized I raise my daughter in English but I discipline her in Spanish.

Mas…Why do I discipline my daughter – and dance – in Español?

Work in ‘The Office’? You need our Pocho Ocho Pro Tips for Latinos

8. Don’t wear your sombrero to the office — unless it’s casual sombrero Friday.

7. If you are going to speak in Spanish at the office, talk shit about your non-Spanish speaking co-workers.

6. Respond with “Yes, I am an immigrant” when your co-workers ask you where you are from. You don’t want to be rude and tell them you were actually born in Chicago, now do you?

Mas…Work in ‘The Office’? You need our Pocho Ocho Pro Tips for Latinos

‘La Cucaracha’ salutes Hollywood great Lupe Ontiveros (toon)

I drew this tribute obituary comic strip for the great actress and activist Lupe Ontiveros,  who passed away on July 26. In this strip, Vero, Eddie and Cuco send off Lupe as she appears before her Hollywood Walk of Fame star in the sky. Lupe was a one-of-a-kind soul who brought lots of joy to many.

This image was displayed at her rosary and wake.

Read more about Lupe here, and see more La Cucaracha comics at Go Comics.

Dear Abuelita: WiFi bath salts, leave it to Beaver, going down

Hey Old Lady!
Oh they think they are so friggin clever but I know what they are up to listening to me through my wifi and microwave well i have nothing to hide so neener neener Mr. and Ms. Big Brother politically correct death panel.

YOU WAN TO TAKE MY GUNNAWAY WELL HELL NO WE WONT GO. Don’t tase me bro hahah. I fought the law and law Juan. law Juan get it? Rock and roll will always die it will always be yakkity yak don’t talk back take out the papers and the trash or you dont get no steenkin cash. You have advice for me OLD LADY?

Why you smell like mota and not mocha? hahahaha.
Signed, Dada Doodoo

Dear Dodo Bird,
Que idiota! Have the drogas worn off yet? I don’t have time for your paranoid rants and raves. There are perfectly good street corners for you to stand on for spewing this kind of nonsense. Why don’t you go find one and leave me alone. Make sure you get there early before the OG vatos from Victory Outreach beat you to it. Better yet, stand on a corner opposite them and use your Mr. Microphone. I know you have one.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: WiFi bath salts, leave it to Beaver, going down

Confessions of a Yuppie Chicana: I talk with my hands and I love flan

I recently read the hilariously snarky book, Confessions of a Scary Mommy by Jill Smokler, and all those confessions from real moms has inspired me to do the same.

I confess:

  • I only get “Latina” when I’m drunk or angry and it’s not pretty.
  • My drink of choice is tequila, not the Skinny Girl stuff but real Patron Silver.
  • Sometimes I Google anger management groups in my area but then I get so pissed off with our slow Internet connection that I forget all about my anger.
  • When I catch a cold I literally sweat it out by dancing to Ricky Martin in my living room.
  • I don’t know if I want any more kids. I can’t afford to go up another bra size.

    Mas…Confessions of a Yuppie Chicana: I talk with my hands and I love flan

Blonde Mexican dissident seeks asylum in Chinese restaurant

Rubio "doesn't look Mexican" neighbors say
(PNS reporting from GUADALAJARA) Blonde Mexican dissident Pablo Rubio holed up in a Chinese restaurant here after eluding taunting neighbors who say he can’t be Mexican since he is fair-haired and light-skinned.

Rubio was spirited away from his home in a car trunk at noon yesterday by friends who convinced suspicious local gang members the getaway vehicle was sagging the trunk was filled with drogas, one source told PNS.

“Pablo went to the Che Xuan Panda restaurant because to them he looks Mexican,” she said. “We all look Mexican to them. Also the 75 pesos lunch special with soup and egg roll rocks.”

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo, Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

&nbsp

Ñewsweek: Abuelita and the ticking baby clock, no cholo too loco

When a cholo goes bad, call The Cholo Whisperer

She needed help — a woman approaching 40 who wanted  kids but had no realistic baby daddy in sight.  Thankfully, she decided to write Dear Abuelita for advice, who gave her way more guidance than she was expecting.

And in a very special video about Cholo Rescue Services, the gentle strength of The Cholo Whisperer turns a misbehaving cholo loco into a warm companion everyone loves.

These were the stories breaking the ñews on POCHO this week:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Abuelita and the ticking baby clock, no cholo too loco

Punk pioneer Alice ‘Bag’ Velasquez tells all in ‘Violence Girl’ (videos)

Alice now
Alice then

Alicia Velasquez AKA “Alice Bag” — music scene pioneer in first-wave L.A. punk band The Bags — went on the road this winter to promote her autobiography Violence Girl. After a record store appearance, she answered a few questions for Punk Globe magazine.

Here’s the interview and the “trailer” for her book. Yes, books have trailers. And check out The Bags performance video and the vintage gurl-punk Cholitas footage — all below.

Mas…Punk pioneer Alice ‘Bag’ Velasquez tells all in ‘Violence Girl’ (videos)

Pocho Ocho ways Latinas emasculate Latinos

It can be hard to be a Latina, but it can be even harder to be in love with one. I will admit that I occasionally emasculate my Latino friends, love interests and acquaintances.

Given that Latinos and Latinas alike often contend with issues of machismo,  emasculation can sometimes happen by accident. Then again, for the same reasons, it can also happen on purpose. Whatever the case, here’s a list of eight occasions to watch out for:

8. Talking to his mother or female relatives about him.

Although this is a female ritual, it never ceases to cause discomfort.

7. Calling him by Spanish pet names in front of his friends.

He may be your “pedacito de bon bon” when you two are alone, but when you call him these things in front of his friends, somehow it makes him less of a man.

Mas…Pocho Ocho ways Latinas emasculate Latinos