BREAKING: Bernie Bros’ exploding heads spur FBI zombie alert

fbizombies(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The FBI is warning citizens to be on the lookout for hungry zombies attracted by the brains spewed from the exploding heads of diehard Bernie Bros.

Bernie Sanders supporters’ brains, the Feds said, are piling up on the streets of gentrified neighborhoods across America.

The brainiac explosions followed Sanders’ endorsement of Democratic presidential nomination rival Hillary Clinton this morning.

“These zombies especially love the entitled taste of Bernie Bro brains,” FBI spokesman Whitman “Ken” Jump told a press conference here today (photo). “We’re calling them Zombros.

Mas…BREAKING: Bernie Bros’ exploding heads spur FBI zombie alert

Que lastima! The GOP’s Latino candidates are anti-Latino

cruzrubioGrowing up on the mean streets of East Los Angeles, I, like many of my childhood friends, feared the police more than the local gang, Big Hazard. Specifically, we dreaded Latino police officers, since they had a reputation of being more brutal than their white peers with us — poor Chicano kids from the projects.

By verbally and physically harassing us, the Latino officers reinforced their 100 percent loyalty to their white peers and police department. Similarly, just like in my old barrio, in the Republican presidential-nomination battle, we can clearly see how the two Latino candidates, Sens. Marco Rubio (Florida) and Ted Cruz (Texas), go the extra mile to demonstrate their loyalty to their white peers and mostly white electorate with their anti-Latino immigrant agenda.

Mas…Que lastima! The GOP’s Latino candidates are anti-Latino

Pocho Ocho Top Facts You Need to Know About New Hampshire

newhampshiredonkeyhoteyDonald Trump’s and Bernie Sanders’ stunning victories Tuesday don’t make sense unless you know the hidden history of the state of New Hampshire.

That’s the reason we researched and compiled the Pocho Ocho Top Facts You Need to Know About New Hampshire:

8. New HAMpshire is known for its “HAM aroma” which inspired the hit song My Sharona

7. Coincidence or conspiracy? The ham-smelling state’s namesake [old] Hampshire, on England’s southern coast across the channel from France, smells like CHEESE

6. New Hampshire is very white. How white is it? New Hampshire is so white it makes the OSCARS look like a #BlackLivesMatter rally

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Facts You Need to Know About New Hampshire

Alaskans praise candidate who will save us from illegals with tats

joemillerracistmailer (PNS reporting from ANCHORAGE, AK) Some they call him Joe, some they call him Doh! but one group of Alaska voters is 100% behind Joe Miller, the Tea Party-affiliated candidate who is seeking a United States Senate nomination.

“His campaign mailer (click on photo to enlarge) convinced us that Miller will do a great job keeping the thriving Latino community of Alaska in check,” read a press release issued Thursday by Cecilia Jones, the president of National Organization for Minorities, Advertisements, Media Exposure and Symbolism. “And that especially goes for your drug-dealing border-crossing tat-wearing illegal alien Democrat voters!”

Mas…Alaskans praise candidate who will save us from illegals with tats

Ricky Martin Santorum wants Puerto Rico to be blahlingual

(PNS reporting from POCHO RICO) Former senator and current GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum caused a furor on this island yesterday when he said English would have to be the “main language” for the Puerto Rican Commonwealth to ever become a state.

To be fair, when Santorum told a campaign rally crowd here in San Juan that Puerto Ricans should make English the official language, he didn’t think they could understand English at all.

Mas…Ricky Martin Santorum wants Puerto Rico to be blahlingual

Clean sweep: Santorum not pooped out yet

(PNS reporting from THE HEARTLAND) Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum swept the nominating contests in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado Tuesday night, claiming, “My campaign is far from pooped out.”

The fiercest gay-baiting candidate in recent history, Santorum now has four victories under his belt in the GOP race, more than any other closeted candidate. “People were saying all along I had Big Mo, but they meant I was a big ‘mo.”

Mas…Clean sweep: Santorum not pooped out yet

GOP primary votes drive ‘knowledge industry’ shares lower

Traders at the NYSE
(PNS reporting from WALL STREET) The spectacle of enthusiastic GOP voters choosing one pinche pendejo or the other in the Florida primaries sent the widely-watched RIF index lower Tuesday, as investors acted on fears that ignorance was the new black.

The Reading Is Fundamental index tracks firms like academic textbook publishers, for-profit educators and sliderule manufacturers.

The RIF index, which reached its highest level (3,141,592) immediately after the election of then Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) in November 2008, sunk to a new low of √-1 in after-hours trading.

Mas…GOP primary votes drive ‘knowledge industry’ shares lower

Moonbase issue casts shadow on final GOP debate

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) The moon was high on the debate agenda last night as Gov. Mitt Romney and former Rep. Newt Gingrich crossed lightsabers with both candidates fighting hard to capture the crucial lunar vote.

The encounter, held at Farpoint Station Laser Tag in Orlando, was the 79th GOP debate and the last before Tuesday’s primary election.

Gingrich, his arms unfurled, set the tone by calling for the establishment of a permanent base on the moon by the year 2020. Gingrich has also set this date as a deadline for establishing a new marriage with a heretofore unexplored Mrs. Gingrich #4.

Warning that the Chinese would dominate outer space if the U.S.A. does not step up in the moonbase race, Gingrich said “Frankly, the Chinese can probably set up the first Panda Express on the moon in 30 minutes or less.”

Mas…Moonbase issue casts shadow on final GOP debate

Week of Ñews: AZ showdown, FLA follies, CT jerk, MX mischief

President Barack Obama flew into Arizona and was greeted on the tarmac by a nasty Gov. Jan Brewer; POCHO has the audio.

In political news, Herman Cain backed Newt Gingrich in the GOP nomination race and released a new poster, while Newt’s peeps supplied a subtitled version of his Spanish-language TV commercial.

Jerkiosity spread to CT as a small town mayor made small-minded remarks and troubles in Mexico bubbled over the border as far as The Hague.

Click on the [Mas…] for, you know, mas!

Mas…Week of Ñews: AZ showdown, FLA follies, CT jerk, MX mischief

BREAKING: Cain backs Gingrich, releases campaign poster


(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) In an apparent play for the VP nod, former gangster pizza mogul and serial groper Herman Cain has endorsed former Freaker of the Spouse Newt Gingrich in his bid for the Republican presidential nomination. Enthusiastic Cain aides leaked this prototype of their dream ticket campaign poster.

Earlier this week, the Gingrich campaign HQ released a subtitled version of their candidate’s Spanish-language TV commercial.

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of the Pocho Corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

Video: Gingrich Spanish TV ad now with English subtitles

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) As the Newt Gingrich campaign fights to win votes in the upcoming GOP primaries, his campaign has reached out to the Sunshine State’s Spanish-espeaking voters. As a public service, the former Freaker of the Spouse has prepared this version of the commercial with subtitles for voters who don’t habla Espanol. Mitt Romney’s campaign released a similarly-subtitled video last week.

Mas…Video: Gingrich Spanish TV ad now with English subtitles

Breaking Ñews: @MexicanMitt releases first campaign poster

@MexicanMitt

(PNS reporting from NEAR THE BORDER) Campaign aides at Gov. Mitt Romney’s headquarters at a palatial goat rancho here have just released the candidate’s first campaign poster. Romney released his first English-subtitled Spanish-language commercial last week.

“The Most Mexican Man In The World,” @MexicanMitt is  pictured enjoying the glamorous lifestyle of a “Baindido” of the money industry, or the “cash cartel,” as he likes to call it.

Romney is shown posed in his campaign garb – looking over his vast land holdings – as a herd of chivos frolics in the corral.

His juanderful campaign slogan, “I AM THE JUAN PERCENT” is winning over many converts to his jihad against taxes on the uber-super-maxi-rich.

Mas…Breaking Ñews: @MexicanMitt releases first campaign poster

Romney campaign releases subtitled ‘Nosotros’ TV ad


(PNS reporting from the CAYMAN ISLANDS) Addressing complaints from English-speaking voters that his new Spanish-language Nosotros TV commercial was Greek to them, Gov. Mitt Romney’s campaign today released a subtitled version of the ad, available here for the first time as a POCHO exclusive video.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF THE POCHO CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.