Student stunned to learn blue contacts don’t make her look white

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(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Marisa Rodriguez just wanted to look “fresh” for the summer.

What she didn’t want was the public humiliation from finding out the blue contact lenses she bought at the Mothers’ Day car show and swap meet at Traders’ Village didn’t actually make her look fresh, or more white.

“It happened at school when one of my classmates laughed at me when I asked him if he noticed something different about me,” the Harlandale High School junior tearfully told PNS.

“Justin is a bully, he just laughed at said I had a nopal on my forehead and that I looked lame with these blue contacts!”

Mas…Student stunned to learn blue contacts don’t make her look white

Report from Barrio Walden: Chillin’ pondside with Enrique Thoreau

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IMAGINE MY SHOCK.

I was living in Massachusetts for the first time. Adjusting. The first time I saw snow falling past my Somerville apartment window, I told a woman on the phone that a neighbor was on the roof shaking out a pillow. Not many snowstorms in my desertified homeland. The first time I saw ice on the sidewalk, I thought a prankster had smeared Vaseline on the bricks to watch businessmen fall down.

This old world was all new to me. I was manhandled by quotidian revelations, wrenched by the duende of Yankee cultural hoodoo. So when I realized I could walk over to Porter Square (where the porterhouse steak was first hacked out of some Bostonian cow) and catch a commuter train to Concord, to Walden freakin’ Pond, I was off and running.

Mas…Report from Barrio Walden: Chillin’ pondside with Enrique Thoreau

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Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods

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(PNS reporting from TEXAS) After suspending two Latino employees in an Albuquerque, NM store for daring to speak Spanish, specialty grocer Whole Foods has announced that it will be changing its name to “AssWhole Foods.”

Whole Foods PR executive Kaley Quinoa, at the company’s corporate offices in Austin, released this statement:

We feel we need to reflect the public’s view of our changing brand, and nothing would represent this view better than changing our name to AssWhole Foods.

Quinoa explained her company’s “English Only” policies this way

Mas…Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods

Princeton Study: Majority of Mexicans don’t know how to dance salsa

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(PNS reporting from PRINCETON) A study from Princeton University has confirmed what many have long believed: Mexicans, and Mexican Americans, do not actually know how to dance to salsa music.

A Caribbean Hispanic export, salsa is often included with more typically Mexican dance styles, like the quebradita or cumbia, but the truth, according to the study, is that Mexicans don’t actually know what they are doing.

“Salsa is, like, a Cuban thing. My family is from Denver,” one research subject complained.

“Participants in the study reported anxiety and cluelessness when attending quinceañeras and hearing Elvis Crespo or Celia Cruz music playing,” said cultural anthropology professor Dr. Anton Flemming, who was the lead researcher on the project.

Mas…Princeton Study: Majority of Mexicans don’t know how to dance salsa

Shocking video: Facebook updates a guy’s real life

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True story! My cousin’s friend in Baltimore came back to his place after work and found out that Facebook had updated his real life! Luckily for us, he had a full sound and video crew there. Also maybe lighting and craft services.

Speaking bad Spanish makes Silverlake artist look like douche

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(PNS reporting from SILVERLAKE) It was a shocker when encaustic and collage mixed-media artist Ben Brown found out.

Even though he spent two years of high school learning Español, his habit of dropping a word or two in Spanish into day-to-day English conversations has not increased his “street cred” even un poquito.

The self-proclaimed free-spirit, a three-year resident of this trendy “East Hollywood-adjacent” neighborhood, said he had to face the fact that others did not perceive him as special or cool merely because said “hermano” or “comprende” at the end of his sentences, and they weren’t impressed by the pains he took to pronounce the double R in words like “burrito” or “ferrocarril.”

Mas…Speaking bad Spanish makes Silverlake artist look like douche

Gustavo Arellano: Summers, I turn on my inner George Clooney

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Summers are when our amigo Gustavo ¡Ask A Mexican! Arellano, editor of the OC Weekly, turns on his inner George Clooney. In a grisly yearly ritual, Gustavo entrusts me, POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz, with the opportunity to illustrate a comic relating some sad aspect of his tragic love life. He writes the comic script, but then lets me have his way with the last panel, and the results are guaranteed to entertain you and embarrass Gus!  The way he described it to me, it looks something like this…

Get Loqui! Spanglish mariachi cover of Daft Punk’s ‘Get Lucky’ (video)

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No, it’s not Juan Direction. It’s Sangre Azteca playing Uruapan Mexican Son the mariachi and Spanglish-ish version of Get Lucky by Daft Punk. You can hear these guys every Friday on the radio show Despierta Exa 6 to 10 AM, probably in some Mexican time zone, on Exa FM. Their Spanglish is more like Manglish.

Here are the English lyrics so you can follow along:

Mas…Get Loqui! Spanglish mariachi cover of Daft Punk’s ‘Get Lucky’ (video)

Update: Judge says killer whales more violent because black

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(PNS reporting from NEW ORLEANS) The “Honorable” Judge Edith Jones further angered civil rights and animal rights activists today when she issued a statement claiming killer whales were more violent than other sea life because they are black.

Jones, who was blasted for her earlier assertion that blacks and Latinos are more violent than Caucasians, ignored a court-ordered injunction to stop embarrassing herself and loudly voiced her controversial opinion about the beloved aquatic mammals at a bar association “power breakfast” in the French Quarter this morning.

Her comment was spurred by the new documentary Blackfish, which deals with a tragic killer whale-related fatality at Sea World.

Mas…Update: Judge says killer whales more violent because black

Pocho Ocho things that prove blacks and Latinos are more violent

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The Honorable Judge Edith Jones, who sits on the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans, is a true American patriot who refuses to bow down to the idols of political correctness.

At a February lecture at the Law School of the University of Pennsylvania, Jones “asserted as fact the proposition that blacks and Hispanics are more likely to commit violent crimes,” according so-called “ethics complaints” filed by some extreme left-wing crime-coddling special interest elite pressure groups.

Complain all you want, you Muslim Brotherhood Kenyan socialist libtards! Consider these Pocho Ocho things that prove Latinos and blacks are more violent:

8. Juan Ga
7. Ru Paul
6. Love Train

Mas…Pocho Ocho things that prove blacks and Latinos are more violent

Pocho Ocho ways the GOP can lure back young voters

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It’s no secret: The Grand Old Party needs some new blood.

If the Republican Party, formerly the “Party of Lincoln,” is to succeed nationally, it needs more women, “minorities,” and younger voters. Old angry reactionary white people is not a growing constituency.

Here are Pocho Ocho ways the GOP can bring more young voters aboard:

8. Refer to them as “whippersnappers”

7. Say “dang-fangled” as much as possible

6. Promise 72 virgins to new party members

Mas…Pocho Ocho ways the GOP can lure back young voters

Are UFO/OVNIs flying into the Popocatepetl volcano AGAIN? (video)

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That Popocatepetl OVNI/UFO that wasn’t really there last time is back again, captured over the weekend by the 24/7 PopoCam. This time, the “optical illusion” — or whatever they end up calling it — heads from outer espace PAST the smoldering crater and then hangs a U-TURN before diving into the volcano.

PREVIOUSLY ON EL POPO UFO/OVNI WATCH:

Mas…Are UFO/OVNIs flying into the Popocatepetl volcano AGAIN? (video)

Flash: Worker slips into Canada, becomes first NAFTA mojado

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(PNS reporting from CANADIA) David Pérez became the first NAFTA mojado when he crossed illegally into Canadia Saturday.

The undocumented worker from Jalpa, Zacatecas first crossed the Rio Grande into the United States near San Elizario, TX, 10 years ago seeking employment in El Norte.

After working in El Paso for a year doing construction, he continued north, staying with relatives in Denver, Chicago, and Minnesota.

“I kept searching for El Norte and there was always more Norte to explore,” Pérez told PNS.

Mas…Flash: Worker slips into Canada, becomes first NAFTA mojado

Not everyone hates GMO foods; Itty Bitty Mexicans back GMO frijoles

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(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) A rainy day failed to damper the spirits of people marching against Genetically Modified Organisms in downtown Austin Thursday.

With signs proclaiming JUST SAY NO TO GMO, the crowd rallied on the steps of the Capitol to protest the “seeds of destruction” they say GMO foods present to society.

Not all the people at the rally supported that viewpoint, however.

“Frijoles should be GMO, so Mexicans can grow,” said Richard Salazar, a software engineer who stands 5’6″ tall and is the president of the local chapter of Itty Bitty Mexicans or IBMs.

Mas…Not everyone hates GMO foods; Itty Bitty Mexicans back GMO frijoles

Luchador Peatonito is Mexico City’s ‘Defender of Pedestrians’ (video)

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In Mexico City, a superhero luchador fights for the rights of pedestrians.

The Wall Street Journal reports:

If you ever get stuck in gridlock at an intersection in this crowded capital city, you can’t expect help from a street cop. But you might try “Peatónito,” the protector of pedestrians who dresses as a Mexican wrestler.

When a car blocks a crosswalk, from out of nowhere appears Peatónito (“little pedestrian” in Spanish), in a cape and wrestler’s mask. He stands directly in front of the car and tries to push it back with his bare hands—often to the astonishment of the drivers. If a motorbike is parked on the sidewalk blocking the way, Peatónito lifts it up and puts it on the curb where it belongs.

Mas…Luchador Peatonito is Mexico City’s ‘Defender of Pedestrians’ (video)

New! Hands-free Whopper™ makes eating junk food easy! (video)

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Today’s world is all about the multi-tasking! You want to Tweet. You want to play your guitar. You want to walk the perros. You want to give your customer a puro tat. And you want to eat a delicious Whopper™ from Burger King. No worries, meng. The hands-free Whopper™ is here!

It’s End of May Day! Donate to POCHO now to help us break the ñews!

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Can you donate $20 or $50 so we can make more ñews y satire?
MR. POCHO SAYS ¡GRACIAS!

With only hours left in the Merry Merry Month of May, please make a small donation now so we can continue breaking the ñews! POCHO needs money to upgrade our webservers, money to fix our broken computers and, more than anything, money to pay our editors and writers and videographers and cartoonists who have contributed a year and a half’s worth of amazingly chingon content for free.

Every $10, $20 or $50 helps. Click on the donate button now. Thank you, pochos!

Breaking: Pasadena asshole complains ‘No one likes me’

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(PNS reporting from PASADENA) Bob Lowe recently discovered that — for some reason — he is disliked by all his coworkers.

He explained the confusing situation to PNS Wednesday afternoon as he poured himself the last cup of coffee, left the empty pot on the heating element, and walked away without making more.

“I just don’t get it, you know?” he said. “I mean, maybe I take peoples’ lunches sometimes, big deal, you know? What did you think was gonna happen if you left food in the fridge?”

Lowe’s officemates on the eleventh floor have complained to company Vice President of Human Resources Mike Cervantes numerous times about Lowe’s inability to keep deadlines, hapless attempts to get others to do his work, refusal to learn new things, terrible personal hygiene and general rudeness in the 10 months since he was hired, but to no avail.

Mas…Breaking: Pasadena asshole complains ‘No one likes me’

Disney’s quinceañera gowns intro new Latina Rites of Passage line

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The Disney Corp’s new princess-inspired quinceañera gowns are but the first in a new line of Latina Rites of Passage gowns, PNS has learned.

The new dresses for tweens and teens are “designed to honor the milestones in young Latinas’ lives in the passionate, spicy way Disney defines Hispanic identities,” a Disney spokesperson said. Aside from the quinceañera gowns (photo) Disney has eight other dresses ready to mark these Rites of Passage:

8. First minimum wage job

7. First walk of shame

6. First boy gets to second base

Mas…Disney’s quinceañera gowns intro new Latina Rites of Passage line

Pocho of the Week: San Antonio Floater Albert Rios

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Crack open a cold Bud Lite for San Antonio’s Albert Rios, our Pocho of the Week, to celebrate his positive attitude and preparedness to ride out this past weekend’s major flooding in style.  Rios, who was ready with raft, beer and river shoes when the waters hit, launched into the suburban river like a modern-day Tom Sawyer. Chances are, he was blasting Rush’s Tom Sawyer during his epic ride, which lasted half a block, just long enough to suck down that beer.

Mas…Pocho of the Week: San Antonio Floater Albert Rios

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