Feds make Sheriff Joe return military gear; he has Plan B

arpaiotank(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) Racist Sheriff Joe Arpaio claims the Federal Government’s decision to reclaim “surplus” military gear (like tanks [photo] and M16 rifles) transferred to his department is no big deal since he has already procured new weapons to replace the full-auto rifles Uncle Sam wants back.

“Hell no! We don’t need tanks and M16s for these illegals,” the Maricopa County, Arizona lawman told reporters Wednesday. “We’re getting ethnically-appropriate personnel compliance effectuators from local manufacturers. I am told these things give Mexicans the FEAR!”

Mas…Feds make Sheriff Joe return military gear; he has Plan B

¡Japi Januka! A kosher carnitas y nopales burrito inside a donut (video)

The signature foods of Chanukah, which begins tonight, are potato latkes — as prepared by Hebrew homeboys Jaquann and Luis — and sufganiyot, Israeli-style donuts. Both foods, tu sabes, are fried in oil, commemorating the milagro at the heart of the Chanukah story.

Which is why, two years ago, before we thought of Mexican Turducken-style gag dishes we could attribute to Rick Bayless, Mexikosher chef (and Chopped winner) Katsuji Tanabe created a nopales and kosher carnitas burrito stuffed inside a donut/sufganiyot. Really.

Francisco Garcia Lopez wins ‘Most Mexican Man in the World’

nopales(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Francisco Garcia Lopez was named Most Mexican Man in the World in the final episode of Who Is More Mexican ? (¿Quién es más mexicano?) recorded here last night, PNS has learned.

Audience members exiting the taping at Teatro Televisio said that winner Lopez (publicity photo, above) had impressed the judges with his singular dedication.

Lopez, a 37-year-old bachelor attorney, “underwent extreme body modification, all the way down to his prickly pear,” one excited fan gushed.

Mas…Francisco Garcia Lopez wins ‘Most Mexican Man in the World’

Pocho Ocho new Mexican-flavored products (like Tapatio Cheetos)

Some, like POCHO amigo Gustavo ¡Ask A Mexican! Arellano, say it started with Tapatio-flavored Fritos, Doritos, and Ruffles.

Others trace the flavor reconquista to Starbucks’ testing out nopal-flavored espresso drinks in East Los Angeles. But know this: The national introduction of Tapatio-flavored Lays potato chips next week is only the beginning.

Flavoristas say you should look out for these Pocho Ocho Mexican-flavored products in the near future:

8. Horchata-flavored Jaegermeister: Hormeister!

7. Tres Flores presents serrano-chile-flavored bigote wax — sabor picante is just a lick away

6. Chia Coke

Mas…Pocho Ocho new Mexican-flavored products (like Tapatio Cheetos)

Hypochondriac uncle discovers amazing Internet cure — cactus juice

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDITA) Arturo Marengo has discovered the secret to youth, longevity, perfect health and fitness, again.

After spending last Wednesday on WebonMD trying to diagnose the dull ache in his left index finger, Marengo stumbled across an ad for Nopalea Cactus Juice and Health Supplement.

Though in his mid 30s, Marengo, a performance artist/travel agent/dog walker, suffers from multiple health issues including a sharp pain in his knee, a strange tingle behind his right ear, a constant cramp in left big toe, and a burning feeling in his left eye (Marengo suspects the eye burning is related to his toe cramp).

Mas…Hypochondriac uncle discovers amazing Internet cure — cactus juice

Starbucks test-markets nopal, chile-flavored drinks in East Los Angeles

(PNS reporting from BOYLE HEIGHTS) Starbucks Coffee starts test-marketing their new nopal, chile and mole-flavored coffee drinks exclusively in this East Los Angeles enclave today.

Staying true to their gentrified roots, Starbucks based the new varieties on past-the-expiration-date flavors from more upscale stores  — adding chemical food coloring for “eye appeal.”

Mas…Starbucks test-markets nopal, chile-flavored drinks in East Los Angeles

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Nopales for gringos y pochos

Gwell, I am writing this blogue porque my son said that we went on the google because he was doing a reporte for school.

Y you know what happened when he typed “Mexican Chef”? He said a white guy from Oklahoma popped up first, like he was the most important chef in Mexico or something. So, he tole me I can make better tamales than this gringo with a white mustache and I tole him, yeah, I can.

My pobre son is a little pocho, so him and other pochitos out there have to learn how to make the real food from our homeland. None of that nouveau Latin cuisine shit. My comadre tole me I’m too Mexican for the Food Network. I tole her I don’t want to be on camera anygway cuz I hate my arms.

My blogue is not gonna be call “Spicy It Up” or “Super Delicioso” or nothing like that. There is no going to be no salsa music (whish is Cuban by the gway) playing in the background. Is just me, Tia Lencha, in my cocina with my apron and my son typing on his computer.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Nopales for gringos y pochos