Cultura

It’s Not News to Us

Top five appearances by La Virgen de Guadalupe

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virgen_de_guadalupe_tattoo_by_srhiena-d5b99mpYou know you’ve heard the story before. A grandmother in a faraway place has found La Virgen on her tortilla or her window or her ceiling or wherever it is that she found her.

Don’t pretend like you haven’t looked for things shaped like La Virgen before! It’s all a part of our culture, but because it’s also a recurring and hilarious part, we wanted to round up the list for you.

  1. A Tortilla – This is one of the most common ones, close second to Jesus on a piece of toast.
  2. A Tree – I wrote about this one when I was a reporter on the border, but I’m not the only one.

    Mas…Top five appearances by La Virgen de Guadalupe

Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Leading Catholic personalities gathered here this week to address a simmering controversy in the official Divine Advent & Manifestation Union (DAMU): members claim that La Virgen de Guadalupe (photo, center) is a publicity hog when it comes to miraculous appearances.

“Can’t the Son of God just miraculously appear on a slice of toast without someone copying me?” asked Jesus Christ (photo, right). “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for faith and everything, but she goes out of her way to appear on everything! Am I right, people?”

Another virgin in attendance, rarely-seen La Virgen de San Juan (photo, left), said that although she’s “totally cool” with being a lesser-known virgin, she will never be able to grow her Twitter following or sell more CDs when Guadalupe is always “hogging the spotlight.”

“The union has rules for a reason, so everyone has a chance at appearing on tortillas or an oil stain,” San Juan told PNS. “I don’t expect to be number one — I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about the Mother of God here — but I do expect my fair share.”

Mas…Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

All I want for Xmas is a burrito-wrapped baby in a tamal-looking hat

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burritobabyRunning out of Christmas gift ideas for the little pochito in your life?

How about doubling down with a Comida Mexicana duo that wraps your baby up like a burrito in a tortilla-colored blanket and keeps his/her cute little cabeza warm with a hat that looks like the corn husk knot that secures tamales?

Bon Vivant Baby has you covered for only $48.  [Baby not included.]

PREVIOUSLY ON BURRITO-LOOKING BABIES:

Link via MiBlogEsTuBlog.

Editor’s Note: POCHO Subcomandanta del Ñews Sara Inés Calderón wants to remind you it is one tamal and two tamales; one frijol, two frijoles; one asshol, two assholes, etc.

Thank you Virgen de Guadalupe for helping POCHO break the ñews

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The Feast Day of La Virgen de Guadalupe, the Empress of Latin America, celebrated every December 12.

La Virgen has consistently helped POCHO break the ñews – with stories that included Nuestra Señora:

Visionary behind Doritos Locos Tacos dies at 41 (photos + video)

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toddtacosTodd Mills, who came up with the idea for Doritos Locos Tacos, lost his battle with cancer on Thanksgiving. The Little Rock, Arkansas father of two was 41 (photo, above.)

USA Today reports:

Mills started the Facebook page “Taco Shells from Doritos Movement” in 2009, encouraging followers to “tell Frito-Lay that we demand nacho cheesy taco shells!”

On the page, Mills posted photoshopped images of well known figures including Albert Einstein with a cheesy taco shell in a thought bubble, Steve Jobs holding a Macbook with a cheesy taco shell on the screen and Chuck Norris doing a karate kick while holding a cheesy taco shell….

Mas…Visionary behind Doritos Locos Tacos dies at 41 (photos + video)

Will Shakila’s ‘Feliz Navidad’ win the next ‘Christmas Idol’? (video)

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The Christmas Idol panel of judges is a tough one. Santa Claus, Lady Sharoun the Purple and Jesus H. Christ Himself have power to make a contestant’s dreams come true. Can Shakila (Roberta Valderrama) win them over with her hot hot hot version of Feliz Navidad?

PREVIOUSLY ON ROBERTA VALDERRAMA:

Mas…Will Shakila’s ‘Feliz Navidad’ win the next ‘Christmas Idol’? (video)

Haters Gonna Hate: Big map of racist/hateful Tweets (infographic)

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masterhapemapThe infographic map-heads at FloatingSheep.org analyzed geo-tagged Tweets from one week in November last year to generate a hate map of the U.S.

Surprise, surprise — the Old Confederacy had the most haters when slurs about Latinos (Tweets using the word “wetback” and “spick”), African-Americans (“nigger”), Asians (“chink,” “gook”) were tallied (pan-racist map, above.) [Click maps to enlarge.]

Here’s the breakdown of “wetback” Tweets:

Mas…Haters Gonna Hate: Big map of racist/hateful Tweets (infographic)

Pocho Ocho signs you grew up in a Mexican family/household

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popowarriorHere is a listicle partially inspired by a mas longer listicle on BuzzFeed, because they are the listicle professionals, tu sabes.

¡Mira! The Pocho Ocho signs you grew up in a Mexican household/family:

8. Virgen de Guadalupe veladoras.

7. Your first introduction to dramatic acting was a telenovela.

6. You always wondered why gringos celebrated Cinco de Mayo more than your family.

5. You can recognize the Aztec princess Iztaccihuatl AND the warrior Popocateptl (photo) on sight.

Mas…Pocho Ocho signs you grew up in a Mexican family/household

Real Estate for Sale: New Mexico adobe casita best offer > $3000

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adobecasitaTired of the hassles of cleaning, maintaining (not to mention paying for) a big apartment, condo or home?

Looking for a just-built energy-efficient, traditionally-styled Aztlan adobe?

Getting back to basics is easy with this lovely Abiquiu, NM property which offers 86 square feet of solar-powered living space away from the noise, crime and confusion of urban life.

Owner-builder Samuel Gray explains:

Mas…Real Estate for Sale: New Mexico adobe casita best offer > $3000

I really, really hate Christmas – let me tell you why

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I’m so sick of Christmas and December isn’t even a week old!

Every year it’s the same crap over and over again. I mean, I wasn’t even finished pretending not to eat Halloween candy before people started playing that Christmas music — don’t even get me started on the music! It’s like, let’s take a has-been artist and have them pump out some horrible tripe and force everyone to remember why they became irrelevant in the first place, all the while pretending like we’re enjoying the tunes.

You know, all those songs were written during a time when my grandparents weren’t even allowed to go into certain restaurants. “No Mexicans, No Dogs” is what the door signs used to say. “White Christmas” indeed!

Mas…I really, really hate Christmas – let me tell you why

Was Brazil’s Antônio Villas Boas the first UFO abductee? (video)

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Antônio Villas Boas reported that the space aliens kidnapped him from a field he was plowing, brought him aboard their UFO/OVNI, stripped him naked and then a female ET raped him. In 1957, this made him a pioneer — way before the Betty and Barney Hill were abducted in New England in 1961. NPR reports:

According to Villas Boas, he was plowing fields with his tractor when he was taken against his will by a group of ETs measuring about 5 feet tall. On their spaceship he was put in a room where he saw some kind of gas come out of the walls, making him sick. Then a very attractive female, naked, with long platinum-blonde hair, fire-red pubic hair and deep-blue cat eyes, came to him and forced him to have intercourse….

Mas…Was Brazil’s Antônio Villas Boas the first UFO abductee? (video)

OK City police bomb squad X-rays burrito, decides it’s safe

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bigburritosqA potentially dangerous burrito put the bomb squad of the Oklahoma City police on alert last week. NewsOK has the story:

A man brought a Thermos-type container into the Santa Fe Briefing Station, 9000 S Santa Fe Ave., on Thursday afternoon. The man said he found the container on his lawn and noticed tinfoil showing out of the lid, police Capt. Dexter Nelson said.

Officers told the man to leave the container outside and the police bomb squad X-rayed the item, Nelson said.

Authorities were cautious of the item because of how heavy the container was and the tinfoil protruding from the lid.

The suspicious thermos payload turned out to be a burrito, Nelson said.

Mas…OK City police bomb squad X-rays burrito, decides it’s safe

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Roasted red Chanukah Christmas Kwanzaa salsa

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jarosalsaHola. Is Tia Lencha here.

Ju want to give presens to eberyone on your Chrismas list or Chanukah or Kwanzaa or Reyes Magos or Chinese Year but ju are short on dinero? No worry! Tia Lencha is going to give ju recipe for to make the oven roast red salsa!

Is nice! Is a good gift for the peoples! And is easy! No like making mole for Turkey Day.

I make this salsa to give to my comadres and the lob it. They have little hearts in their eyes when they see my salsa. They eat with almost eberything. They say they fight their childrens and viejos to eat the last drops of it in the jar. Is that good. Oso, it don’t matter if the peoples are no Mexican. The peoples at my job are no Mexican and they ask me for the salsa.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Roasted red Chanukah Christmas Kwanzaa salsa

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