Cultura

It’s Not News to Us

SCHWA the Video: Dear ‘Stick People’ – Your Alien Overlords are here

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Before X Files claimed “the truth is out there,” before anyone heard of the Mayan Apocalypse, visionary Bill Barker raised the alarm, warning the few who would listen about the real illegal immigration threat – the imminent invasion of Gray Aliens from Outer Espace.

For a while, anyhow. Then he went over to Their Side.

Hollywood-born Barker, who recently approached POCHO to sugarcoat his poison meme, claimed:

I “parquito the espanale” a little. And I was raised in East L.A., near Maywood.

This human sellout — channeling thought emanations from Zeta Reticuli — created, built, staffed and managed the SCHWA Corporation, the holding company of the grays. His mission? Carry out the commands of the Alien Overlords and complete the domination of Earth and its clueless Stick People.

Barker proudly gave POCHO his SCHWA World Operations Manual so we could make this video, ribbed for your protection.

Mas…SCHWA the Video: Dear ‘Stick People’ – Your Alien Overlords are here

Pocho Ocho reasons we weren’t invited to the Oscars

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In Hollywood, they say, Oscar is king. So why didn’t POCHO get invited to the king’s Big Night Out?

8. All the valet gigs are sewn up by Telemundo producers.

7. They only invite Hispanics with the right attitude, with good credit  and who play well with others.

6. There is an industry ban on pastel Quinceañera Tuxedos.

5. They think Mexican Mitt is a Cuban baseball catcher.

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons we weren’t invited to the Oscars

Happy Birthday, Chespirito!

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POCHO wishes Roberto Gomez Bolaños — AKA “Chespirito” — a happy 83rd birthday.

Chespirito (Little Shakespeare) is Mexico’s most-beloved children’s comic, humorist and performer, creator of the iconic television shows El Chavo and El Chapulin Colorado.

El Chapulin is famously the inspiration for the Simpson’s “Bumblebee Man.” I was fortunate to have met Bolaños and his wife “Doña Florinda” at the Latino Book and Family Festival at Cal State L.A. in 2005.

His characters appeared on Mexican and Latin American television from 1970 to 1995, and at their peak had 350 million viewers. Chespirito continues to bring joy and risas to children all over Latin America and the U.S.

Dear Gorton’s: Thanks for the apology but …

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Dear Gorton’s Seafood and Rinck Advertising:

I am thrilled to the gills that you took the time to respond. I am a fan of your products, and hope that they reach many more households than mine.

However, your response reveals exactly why you floundered in the first place. You mention that you “used a Spanish translation service,” and that “Spanish-speaking staff members were involved throughout the project.”

You didn’t say that you translated it yourself in-house, or that Spanish-speaking and/or Latino executives (emphasis on executives) oversaw the project.

Instead, it seems like someone internally had the idea to reach out to Latina moms but fish-farmed out the work because you didn’t have the capabilities or experience to do it on your own.

Mas…Dear Gorton’s: Thanks for the apology but …

Sabado Pochonte Video: Welcome to 2040 on ‘The Other Side’

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Exterior, day: Destitute desert town in the year 2040. Audio: Spanish newsradio tells the story — unemployment is 86%, gangs are everywhere and food and water are getting scarce.

There’s only one thing a father can do — smuggle his family across the border to the prosperous country on The Other Side.

Mayan Doomsday experts can’t agree on how long is left

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(PNS reporting from the YUCATAN) The emergency Leap Year meeting of the Eschatological Chronology Society ended in disarray here Thursday as doomsday gurus couldn’t agree on whether the Mayan Apocalypse should be calculated in Colored People’s Time, Chicano Time or Jewish Standard Time.

Scientists at the conference were hoping to resolve the question before Leap Day on Feb. 29 and go home with a solid fix on how many days are left before the Lunar-Based Aliens from Mars that NASA is hiding do their Lunatic thing and immanentize the eschaton.

Now the tick-tock boffins will have to reconvene and deduce the time warp again.

Mas…Mayan Doomsday experts can’t agree on how long is left

New from Gorton’s: Deliciosos Tits and Fishsticks! (updated)

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Screencapture from GortonEnEspanol.com

So, what if I could find tits and fish sticks all in one place? A one-stop shop for all my breast and seafood needs?

This is what’s on my mind today after Gorton’s fun website snafu. They launched a web page for Spanish-speaking Latina moms this week, and left one teeny tiny accent off a fairly important word. They turned mothers and seafood into, well, something a whole lot raunchier than what they probably intended.

Mas…New from Gorton’s: Deliciosos Tits and Fishsticks! (updated)

Around Our Town: Ñews from your neighbors

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WEDDING: Mr. and Mrs. Julio Santiago of Pocho Estates are pleased to announce the marriage of their daughter Suzanne to Samson Lei of Monterey Park, son of Mrs. Chin Louie of San Francisco and Mr. Stagger Lei of New Orleans.  After a honeymoon in Hawaii, the couple will be moving far away from both sets of parents to live their own damn  lives free of drama, race-baiting, and a legacy of never-ending bullshit from control freaks.

Mas…Around Our Town: Ñews from your neighbors

Pocho Ocho words that should be in the dictionary

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Sometimes finding the right word can be tricky, so you need to look them up. That’s why these eight pocho words need to go into the English dictionary:

8. Irregardless – That this word does not officially exist has never stopped anyone (including me) from using it. Why use regardless or irrespective when this one sounds so much better? If Sarah Palin can do it…

7. Expecially – Used to emphasize things that don’t really need emphasizing, such as “I love chocolate, expecially when it’s sweet.”

6. Libary – Often confused with library. No one really needs the second R and people will think you’re conceited if you use it. It’s still the same definition, just different a word.

Mas…Pocho Ocho words that should be in the dictionary

Latino Cupid Valentine’s Day cards for tough times

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That little love scamp Latino Cupid presents his special Valentine’s Day cards for tough times. As they say around here, Happy Valentimes Day! Catch more of Latino Cupid’s escapades around this time every year at La Cucaracha, the nationally-syndicated comic strip by me, Pocho’s Jefe-In-Chief Lalo Alcaraz. Sign up for free La Cucaracha comics daily at GoComics.

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day salsa

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I’m Elena Maria Celina Carrillo Martinez de los Angeles Delgadillo Trujillo…Lopez. But you can call me Lencha. Today my son is in his room reading his Naruto muñequito books, so I can chare with you my special recipe for Valentime’s Day.

M’ijo don’t like it when I talk about sexy things because me and his daddy are divorce because his daddy like to stick his weene ebrywhere.

M’ijo usually checks my espelling but oh gwell. Since I have a little gwhile, I give you the recipe for Aphrodisiac Salsa.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day salsa

Sabado Pochonte Video: Puro Party – Celebrating A Genocide

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You’ll laugh, you’ll cry and you’ll yell at this video. Just don’t shoot the screen, like Elvis. Puro Party — Celebrating A Genocide: Every year, San Antonio, TX, stages Fiesta, a 10-day celebration to honor Texas’ defeat of Mexico in the battle of San Jacinto — the Alamo, remember? This 1992 video takes Fiesta as a metaphor for the colonization of this predominantly Chicano city as an opportunity to explore Aztlan/Chicano identities. This public-domain video has been uploaded to YouTube by POCHO to make it viewable for the first time on iOS devices like iPads and iPhones.

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Nopales for gringos y pochos

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Gwell, I am writing this blogue porque my son said that we went on the google because he was doing a reporte for school.

Y you know what happened when he typed “Mexican Chef”? He said a white guy from Oklahoma popped up first, like he was the most important chef in Mexico or something. So, he tole me I can make better tamales than this gringo with a white mustache and I tole him, yeah, I can.

My pobre son is a little pocho, so him and other pochitos out there have to learn how to make the real food from our homeland. None of that nouveau Latin cuisine shit. My comadre tole me I’m too Mexican for the Food Network. I tole her I don’t want to be on camera anygway cuz I hate my arms.

My blogue is not gonna be call “Spicy It Up” or “Super Delicioso” or nothing like that. There is no going to be no salsa music (whish is Cuban by the gway) playing in the background. Is just me, Tia Lencha, in my cocina with my apron and my son typing on his computer.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Nopales for gringos y pochos

S. J. Rivera: My Guantanamo Bay self-deportation book tour

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Self-interview AND self-photograph!

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Ace Pocho Ñews Service contributor, author and hardcore poet (Demon in the Mirror and Amerikkkan Stories) S. J. Rivera sat down to talk to himself about his Self-Deportation Book Tour and what it’s like to have a book signing at Guantanamo Bay.

PNS: Your new book is AmeriKKKan Stories (Hardcore Poetry) – is it a Klan book or…?

S. J. Rivera: Yes and no. Actually there’s a very true story in there about the time I ran a guy over with my car. His name was Donny and I hit him on purpose because he may or may not have been in the klan(Hi, Donny!)  There’s stuff in there about redneck zen, badmouthing the government, pochismo, fat Elvis, EMS horror stories, McDonald’s Nazis – you name it, it’s in there.

Mas…S. J. Rivera: My Guantanamo Bay self-deportation book tour

Amerikkkan Stories hardcore poetry excerpt: ‘Soy Ilegal’

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Since the beginning we, la raza odiada
the hated race
have been caught in the middle
just as we are now
between the fall of Tenochtitlan
and the migrant farms that feed a nation
in this modern day version of divide and conquer
1492
1942
2010
what’s the fucking difference?
we are all just a bunch of savages
pachucos y wetbacks
soy ilegal

Mas…Amerikkkan Stories hardcore poetry excerpt: ‘Soy Ilegal’

Write the best church sign message and win something cool! *

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We had lots of fun last night with the “church sign generator” at Says-it.com and came up with this little image which we thought would make for a good contest.

In the comments below, write your suggested language for the sign.

Funniest entry wins.

Contest ends at midnight and we’ll send the winner something cool!

And the winner is Nora Guadalajara! Click on [Mas…] or scroll down to see her winning entry.

Mas…Write the best church sign message and win something cool! *

Pocho Ocho 90s things I wish were back that aren’t Pete Wilson

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Pete Wilson (official portrait)

It looks like the 1990s are back now that former Gov. Pete Wilson (R-CA) is in the political spotlight as the new chairman of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign.

I liked the 90s, but why doesn’t good stuff come back? You know, stuff like crushed velvet and bell sleeves, Beverly Hills 90210 fashion and NAFTA. Here are the top eight things they should bring back!

8. The promise of flying cars, where are the flying cars?!

7. TV shows filled with healthy white kids with nice teeth, a la, 90210 and  Saved by the Bell.

6. Headbands, butterfly patterns, crushed velvet and choker (necklaces) — fashion!

Mas…Pocho Ocho 90s things I wish were back that aren’t Pete Wilson

DYAC! Smartphone Spanglish spellcheck fails

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Amor gone amok

I’m a pocha, loud and proud, and I communicate in Spanglish.

Everywhere. In letters, in conversation, in emails, in cards and, most recently, in text messages. But, my BlackBerry hates my Spanglish and is constantly trying to correct it. In fact, it often changes my Spanish words to random English words when I try to send my messages, rendering them practically intelligible. Damn you, auto correct!

A few choice examples: “gracias” into “grass,” “mañana” into “banana,” “mucho” into “macho,” “chingado” into “changed,” “oyes” into “ones” and “amor” into “amok.”

–Sara Inés

Mas…DYAC! Smartphone Spanglish spellcheck fails

FLOTUS on healthy food for Chicano kids: Eat like Puerto Ricans

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First Lady at Goya photo-op (screen capture abcactionnews.com)

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Joining First Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! initiative, Goya Foods, the largest Hispanic-owned U.S. food company, will help promote MiPlato, the USDA program designed to encourage children to make healthier eating choices.

“Today’s announcement is about eliminating diabetes in the Mexican-American community by helping them make better choices, and, with the help of Goya, forcing them to eat like Cubans and Puerto Ricans,” Obama said Friday.

“Everything that Goya is doing,” she said, “centers around a simple idea: this country’s Mexican children need to be told what to eat by a corporate conglomerate that mass-produces Caribbean food.”

Obama joined Goya president Bob Unanue and leading Latino organizations at a Tampa supermarket to promote healthy eating nationwide with a special focus on the incorrectly-nourished Mexican-American community.

Mas…FLOTUS on healthy food for Chicano kids: Eat like Puerto Ricans

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