SRSLY? Lame-ass pick-up lines of would-be Latino lovers

The first time a man made a sexual advance to me – some random guy on the other side of the street – I was 13.  Yes, although I hadn’t even started shaving my legs, I was already trying to figure out how to deal with sexual weirdos. Such tender memories.

If I recall correctly, his exact words, or sounds, were something like “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!!!”

Mas…SRSLY? Lame-ass pick-up lines of would-be Latino lovers

Pocho Ocho items every pocha should carry in her purse

Purse by Notagucci™

8. Aqua Net: Yeah, for hair, stupid. But I also use this for multiple things like bug spray, deodorant, and even as a substitute for glue.

7. Mazapan: Marzipan is a yummy almond-flavored treat and mazapan is a similar treat made with peanuts. Instead of eating like a horse on your date, pop one of these in your mouth to hold you, you don’t want to look like my homegirl La Piggy.

6. Morning After Pill: I know you have probably taken this within the last two months but it’s quite all right, I am a ho, too. Always be prepared, Junior does not need a little brother.

Mas…Pocho Ocho items every pocha should carry in her purse

Rick Perry: Mexi-Klingon threat could require Viet troops

(PNS reporting from NEW ENGLAND) As president, Rick Perry “would send troops back into Vietnam,” the Texas governor declared during Saturday’s presidential debate.

Blasting Pres. Barack Obama for letting Vietnam “just sit there,” Perry (R-TX) said the area is susceptible to a light-speed invasion from Mexican Klingons and possibly people who hate Christmas.

“Look, these people have the technology. I’ve seen it. I think the idea that we allow these Mexi-Klingons to come back into Vietnam and take over that country, with all of the treasure, both in blood and money, and uhm, one other thing, oh shit…well with all that we have spent there because this president wants to kowtow to his Borg leftist base…I think it is a huge mistake,” Perry said during the debate.

Mas…Rick Perry: Mexi-Klingon threat could require Viet troops

Sabado Pochonte Video: The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy (en Inglés)

robotaztecmummyThe Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy (La Momia Azteca Contro El Robot Humano): The walking Aztec mummy Popoca has returned, and this time he is pitted against a mad scientist and his creation, the Human Robot, a cyborg with a mechanical body, steel claws and a human head! Enjoy one hour of cheesy Mexican horror cinema from 1958 – poorly dubbed in unlikely English!

Mas…Sabado Pochonte Video: The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy (en Inglés)

You might be a Latino hipster if…

Austin hipsters (photo by NewsTaco)

First off, you may be asking yourself, “What is a hipster?”

Hipsters are the contemporary derivative of beatniks and manifest particular philosophies, fashion and food choices, professional and geographic preferences and, inevitably, are the butt of many jokes.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on the pizza? Because he ate it before it was cool.

Mas…You might be a Latino hipster if…

The importance of ethnic studies and thanks, Sandra Cisneros

Save Ethnic Studies by Julio Salgado

I honestly don’t remember the first book I ever read. It probably wasn’t that good if I can’t remember it right? But I do remember the first time I read a Sandra Cisneros book. I was in the tenth grade and I picked up House On Mango Street because of one thing: Sandra’s last name.

It just clicked with me.

It wasn’t until I read Cisnero’s Caramelo in college that I realized the importance of knowing about someone like her when I was still young.

Mas…The importance of ethnic studies and thanks, Sandra Cisneros

CA Dream Act repeal fails to gather enough hateful signatures

Racist asshole signature failure

(SACRAMENTO) Republican Assemblyman Tim Donnelly announced today that his effort to repeal the California Dream Act, which allows undocumented students to apply for in-state tuition and scholarships in the state’s universities, has failed to collect enough signatures from racist assholes to get on the ballot.

Mas…CA Dream Act repeal fails to gather enough hateful signatures

Pocho Ocho cosas I found in my Rosca de Reyes

Happy Three Kings Day, Dia de Los Reyes Magos, AKA Epiphany, the day when Los Tres Reyes dropped by the manger to gift up the original Anchor Baby, El Baby Jesus.

In Mexico and now all across Pocholandia, some celebrate with the Rosca de Reyes, a tasty and yeasty treat topped with butter and sugar.

Sometimes it is soaked in rum, like Tio Frankie. Baked inside is a plastic Baby Jesus figurine, which, if you get it in your slice of pan, symbolizes great fortune. And it also means you are stuck with the bill for yet another Catholic drinkfest one month later.

Below are the top eight things we have found in the Rosca de Reyes here at the POCHO world headquarters! Enjoy!

8. Plastic Baby Jesus

7. One long black hair

6. Homies Doll, “Cholo Priest”

Mas…Pocho Ocho cosas I found in my Rosca de Reyes

Who, exactly, IS a pocho?

Pocho used to be defined by what it wasn’t. But that was a long time ago.

Pocho, by my reckoning, used to be one thing but now it’s another. To be a pocho used to mean that you weren’t a legitimate Latino – and I use the word Latino in a very broad sense (I understand the whole Latinos-don’t-speak-Latin thing, but I use the term for a more utilitarian reason: it suits my purpose).

Mas…Who, exactly, IS a pocho?

Iowa analysis: Hatred for poor edges out homophobia, racism

Former Sen. Rick Santorum's election campaign rubbed up behind Romney's muscular Iowa presence

(PNS reporting from IOWA) Hatred for the poor won in Iowa yesterday,  squeaking by second-place entry homophobia and runners-up racism and tax evasion in the hotly-contested GOP caucuses.

In a stunning, almost come-from-behind finish, current homophobe and former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum ended the caucus vote in a number two position, rubbing up right behind human simulation Mitt Romney.

Mas…Iowa analysis: Hatred for poor edges out homophobia, racism

The Math4Men™ formula: BOOBS+BUTT–WAIST=♥ (I think)

A girl can never win.

When I was in seventh grade, I was derided for being flat-chested. When I was in college I was derided for having ample junk in the trunk. As a 20-something I was felt self-conscious because I didn’t have thin legs.

It turns out, depending on who you ask, this is all good — or all lacking. It’s confusing: do Latino men want voluptuous or not? Or do they only want voluptuous in certain places? Do they just like to drool over skinny women on TV, but when they get home prefer something more ample? What are the mathematics on being an “adequately-attractive” Latina?

Mas…The Math4Men™ formula: BOOBS+BUTT–WAIST=♥ (I think)

Bolivia puts Mother Earth over God, dooms country to Hell

Cocaine-growing heathen socialist Evo Morales is president of a country bound for Hell

(PNS reporting from BOLIVIA) Undoubtedly weakened by defending herself from deranged Islamo-fascists seeking to nestle in her naïve, hot-blooded bosom, Latin America has fallen victim to an even more dangerous attacker: The Green Dragon of Environmentalism.

Bolivia is slated pass unprecedented legislation that would grant the planet the same rights as human beings. The environment will be given special protections from industry and related development under the recently-proposed Law of Mother Earth. Socialist cocaine-growing President Evo Morales, the first openly-heathen president in Latin America, believes this legislation will help protect unwed whore Mother Earth from the fairy tale of climate change.

Mas…Bolivia puts Mother Earth over God, dooms country to Hell

Traditional GOP caucus ritual marks Iowanian New Year

Don D. S. Waldo, 24, is a medical student: "Mitt Romney seems to have cornered the Just for Men contingent, but the Tres Flores activists are still up for grabs."

(PNS reporting from THE HEARTLAND, USA) Thousands of Iowanians are fighting their way across the wind-blown plains today to perform the traditional Republican caucus ritual.  Sioux City City College PoliSci Professor Rico Alvarado explains the Ceremony of the Caucus this way:

First, the gabachos make a 4WD posada to the high school gym for the ritual gathering. There, by standing and waving, they compete for a majority of the donuts and coffee. The Caucus Ceremony must end before the Big Tornado Siren heralds the start of the Iowanian New Year.  

We photographed six citizens and asked them to evaluate the political process and the contenders. Here they are and here’s what they said:

Mas…Traditional GOP caucus ritual marks Iowanian New Year