(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) The anti-import National Food Safety Workshop (NFSW) here claims a dangerous foreign food virus is infecting Caucasian-American digestive systems nationwide.
The comida cops say the virus is spread by manipulating the DNA of four foods native to Mexico — chiles, avocado, corn and agave.
“We’re calling it the CACA Virus,” says NFSW chief researcher Dr. Creflo Smith-Buster. “It’s something we had hoped we’d never see – a genetically-modified steaming turd of an illegal alien scientific conundrum on the pristine white floor of an American lab.”
NFSW is a conservative-funded agribusiness think tank with a mission to fight every “foreign substance…introduced into our precious bodily fluids.”
Buster’s team believes CACA infects white people when the four foods are eaten together. Eating corn by itself, for example, is perfectly safe. And a shot of (blue agave) Herradura delivers only the expected effects. But when all four items are consumed together — say when knocking back shots of cactus juice with tortilla chips and some fresh guac — a cleverly-crafted synergistic reaction morphs the tasty tidbits into CACA.
“The ultimate purpose of CACA is unclear,” Buster told a press conference this morning, “but we’re calling it an ‘intruder virus’ because infected victims exhibit strange foreign behavior previously unseen in Real Americans. In one incident we read about online, on Breitbart I think, a Texas man returning from a Cinco de Mayo party insisted his feet were ‘cramped’ and he only felt comfortable when wearing cowboy boots with fantastically-elongated toes.”
Buster reported two other incidents that raised the alarm:
- San Diego NFSW investigator Tom Metzger reported an infected Anglo who complained of “heavy gravity, dude” and was only comfortable in a specially-modified automobile with a chassis that rode low, hovering mere inches above the ground.
- A victim in Tucson’s cousin told a guy who told local NFSW official Michael Hicks how his uncle Cooter couldn’t sleep normally when he was in bed at home; he could only drift off to dreamland if he sat under a saguaro cactus wearing a sombrero and serape.
Who is behind CACA? Experts contacted by PNS say the genetic engineering expertise shown in the four-part synergistic makeup of the virus means it could have only been conceived and constructed by an entity with massive talent and resources — a nation-state.
And although the Mexican government has denied any involvement in the matter (“We don’t need no steenkin virus,” one senior diplomat told this reporter), NFSW scientists claim that two of the mutant proteins in the modified chile DNA encode a name in the popular computer hacker language Eleet.
Is this the virus creator’s calling card?
The word they found is r¡Nc0N k33s+3r.