Porn video editor fired for browsing spreadsheets at work

by

(PNS reporting from VAN NUYS) Adult movie editor Roberto Mendoza was fired from his job at Burning Sensations Movie Productions last week after being repeatedly caught browsing spreadsheets on his computer.

“It started innocently enough,” he told PNS. “There I was editing a facial pop shot compilation from our Fish Tacos series, when I noticed someone had left a spreadsheet of sales figures in with the video files.”

“I’d always been a little…curious. I took a break from Final Cut Pro and opened up the file, and suddenly my screen was filled with all these rigid columns of data.”

A spokesman from Burning Sensations said that following his dismissal, an inspection of Mendoza’s computer had revealed a hidden folder containing over 3,000 spreadsheets.

Mas…Porn video editor fired for browsing spreadsheets at work

Say goodbye to 2012, ‘The Year of the Chancla’ in Mayan Calendar

by


Overlooked in the Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday frenzy: December 21 was also the end of the Year of the Chancla, one of nine named years in the Mayan calendar. Here are the pocho ocho other next named years:

2013: Year of the Nopal
2014: Year of the Pendleton
2015: Year of the Nalgas
2016: Year of the Chonies

Mas…Say goodbye to 2012, ‘The Year of the Chancla’ in Mayan Calendar

It’s aliens and the kids from Lugar High vs Evil Don Nabisco (video)

by


The crew at Lugar High (in Lugar Heights) gets a visit from space aliens who, like all space aliens, want to empower Latinos. The Lugar kids’ mission, should they decide to accept it: Confront the evil Don Nabisco, host of a wildly-popular TV show. Look for special guest star cameos by Che Guevara and Sammy Sosa.

Last known bottle of Jean Naté is returned to original gifter

by

(PNS reporting from NEWARK) After 19 years of being regifted, the last known bottle of Jean Naté After Bath Splash has been returned to its original gifter here, PNS has learned.

Josefina de la Placa, a registered nurse, purchased the bottle in 1983 at the Rexall on Lafayette Avenue in Hawthorne as a Christmas gift for her brother Hector. It was regifted 19 times before she got it back at an office party Friday night.

“Well, I thought it was a nice gift,” de la Placa told PNS Sunday. “Hector is an ungrateful desgraciado.”

“What am I, an 82-year-old little lady?” Hector, an 81-year-old civil engineer, emailed this reporter. “I gave to the lady who delivers the mail.”

Mas…Last known bottle of Jean Naté is returned to original gifter

Tia Lencha’s holiday survival secrets for Mexicans in New York City

by

Is Tia Lencha here! Feliz Navidad!

So people ask me, Tia Lencha do you have recipes for Christmas? Not really, I say. Instead I have some Secretos for celebrating the Navidad in New York City. There are no mucho Mexicans here so you have to be esmart about it so you don’t have the stress. And you need to have a Metro Card.

First, the are too many mucho peoples out chopping for presents. Tia Lencha don’t like standing in line for an hour to buy a sweater.

Thas why I use more time to buy my mijo his presents, I give to him on January 6, the day of the Tres Reyes (three kings for you pochos.) Mijo writes a letter to the three kings to tell them what he wants for his present. Instead of leaving cookies for Santa Claus, mijo leaves some grass in his shoe box under the bed for the camels of the three kings to eat. Then his present is put in the box with the grass for the camels. Like magic no?

Mas…Tia Lencha’s holiday survival secrets for Mexicans in New York City

Lord Buckley’s ‘Scrooge, a hip Christmas carol’ from 1959 (video)

by


It’s 1959 and hepcat supreme Lord Buckley is on fire: “Yes, me, I’m Scrooge and I got all Marley’s barley, and I’m the baddest cat in all dis world. I been studyin’ all my life how to Scrooge people, and I guarantee I done some fine work in dat direction. Cratchit!”

“Yes, sir.”

“You busy?”

“I shorely is, sir.”

“See dat you keep busy. Don’t want no danglin’ wanglin’ around here. Keep everybody tight. And tell dem two cats come in here want to get some money I ain’t givin’ no money away. Dey messin’ wit Scrooge. I’m takin’ it in. I ain’t puttin’ it out. Issat clear?”

Darlene Love: ‘Christmas for the Jews’

by


Rock ‘n’ roll diva Darlene Love explains: All the goyyim disappear to gather round the fire but out on the town, and in Chinese restaurants, it’s Christmas for the Jews!

 

Can you donate $5 or $10 so we can make more ñews y satire?
MR. POCHO SAYS ¡GRACIAS!

  

Ñewsweek: We’re gonna party like it’s 19-ninety-Mayan!

by

It was the first of days, it was the last of days, it was Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012, The End of the World As We Know It. Or was it?

The beginning of the end, the middle of the end and the end itself dominated the ñews on POCHO this week.

Here are the week’s top stories:

Breaking: Venezuelan astronomer reveals Mayan Apocalypse schedule

by

Email from astronomer and Venezuelan native Ricardo Salamé Páez details today’s schedule for the Mayan Apocalypse:

HORARIO DEL FIN DEL MUNDO para los Habla Hispana

06:30 – Apertura del Fin
07:00 – Lluvia de meteoritos
08:30 – Llegada del primer tsunami
10:00 – Bienvenida de los ovnis
10:30 – flashmob baile de ovnis al estilo de Gangnam
… 11:36 – Comienzo de la Destrucción (sub.)
12:00 – Eclipse y la alineación de todos los planetas del sistema solar
12:00-14:00 – ALMUERZO

Mas…Breaking: Venezuelan astronomer reveals Mayan Apocalypse schedule

Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do for the Mayan Apocalypse

by

Rancho Pocho and surrounding communities will be alive with excitement tonight as everyone awaits the End of the World As We Know It at midnight local time. Don’t stay at home — party hardy or die Mayan!

Here’s what’s going on around town:

• FOR THE GENTS: In the Rancho Pocho Downtown Historic District, Club Rico for Gentlemen is offering no cover admission to a special presentation by the North Pole Dancers, the chillest elvettes to ever stuff a thong. Dressed as Santa? All lap dances are 50% off!  Prices good until midnight, of course.

• FOR THE LADIES: Don’t be fat at the end of the world — burn fat at the Grand Opening of the new Spin ‘N’ Thin Spa located where the Gun ‘N’ Run sporting goods store used to be on Miramar in Pocho Hills. Burn, baby, burn with “all you can spin” classes at two-for-one prices. Bring your BFF and spin till you barf at one low price. It’s never too spin to be thin! Special available until midnight.

Mas…Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do for the Mayan Apocalypse

Year in Review: The lonely, fading star of Texas Gov. Rick Perry

by

The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas. Except, of course, when Gov. Rick Perry (photo, right) is involved.

The one-time GOP nominee wannabe Perry is so underwhelming that when he walks into a room, it seems as if someone just left.

Rick Perry is so stupid he peels M&M’s to make chocolate chip cookies. Rick Perry is so stupid he went to the dentist for Bluetooth. Rick Perry is so stupid he forgot his own talking points in a Republican presidential debate.

Think about it: Republican voters in the primaries liked Rick Perry even LESS than Mitt Romney.

But enough about Rick Perry. What about MY needs?

Mas…Year in Review: The lonely, fading star of Texas Gov. Rick Perry

Newtown, Quentin Tarantino and the culture of death

by

Like many people, I’ve spent these past few days reflecting on what’s wrong. What the hell is going on? People are expressing so-called shock and awe at the recent violence in Connecticut but no one has any answers. Some would call it soul-searching, others grasping for straws. Others still are trying to squeeze as much blood from this stone as they can before it passes into obscurity, which it eventually will…

One thing that I know for sure is that the violence epidemic in the United States of America is not attributed to any one thing. We have been on this road for a long time now and anyone shocked by the fruit that the blood-soaked soil has produced has not been paying attention. Welcome to the culture of death.

Mas…Newtown, Quentin Tarantino and the culture of death

Artstrike #nomorecuts: Artists fight budget cuts, demand fair taxes

by


Many visual artists have united for today’s Artstrike #nomorecuts Day of Action. I was invited to contribute a piece that pushes back against the rhetoric of the so-called “Fiscal Cliff,” a construct that seems to be a set up to slash needed social service budgets. We’ve created art to fight budget cuts that impact the poor and middle class and to demand the wealthy pay their fair share of taxes.

From the site:

Mas…Artstrike #nomorecuts: Artists fight budget cuts, demand fair taxes

A letter to Santa Claus, 2012 style

by

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine.

I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty Black Ops II and an iPhone 5 for Christmas.

I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them.

Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting.

Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat.

Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mas…A letter to Santa Claus, 2012 style

Hypochondriac uncle discovers amazing Internet cure — cactus juice

by

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDITA) Arturo Marengo has discovered the secret to youth, longevity, perfect health and fitness, again.

After spending last Wednesday on WebonMD trying to diagnose the dull ache in his left index finger, Marengo stumbled across an ad for Nopalea Cactus Juice and Health Supplement.

Though in his mid 30s, Marengo, a performance artist/travel agent/dog walker, suffers from multiple health issues including a sharp pain in his knee, a strange tingle behind his right ear, a constant cramp in left big toe, and a burning feeling in his left eye (Marengo suspects the eye burning is related to his toe cramp).

Mas…Hypochondriac uncle discovers amazing Internet cure — cactus juice

Top Pendejos of 2012: AZ’s Gov. Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio

by

We tried to pick just one Top Pendejo of 2012 but we ended up with two, both from the Hate State of Arizona: Gov. Jan Brewja and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

The witchy woman has taken every opportunity to lie, defame, harass and impede President Obama, Mexican-American Arizonans, a woman’s right to choose, Dreamers’ rights, students’ education, a minimum level of health care for constituents, and, to keep things current, she has an A+ Rating from the NRA merchants of death.

Pigasus Joe, who only missed being thrown out of office by a slim margin in the recent Maricopa County elections, just made headlines again by vowing to parade female DUI convicts in public chain gangs. His racist enforcement of the remaining provisions of AZ SB1070 has made him particularly abhorrent to those who fight for equality and justice.

So these two pendejos will share the ignominy of our Top Pendejos of 2012 award, and here are the reasons why:

Mas…Top Pendejos of 2012: AZ’s Gov. Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio

+ Load More Posts