Cultura

It’s Not News to Us

Dear Dr. Danilo Dinero: What should I do with this large cash settlement?

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Dear Dr. Danilo Dinero:

I recently received a large cash settlement (six figures) after my Geo Metro was totalled at Melrose and La Cienega by Kim Kardashian’s shoe concierge.

After I pay off the remaining bills, I’ll have $100K in cash. What should I do with the money?

A Man Named Jed

Dear Jed:

Thank you for your over-written, obviously fake letter. Are you perchance referring to the Geo Metro with the new rims? Or am I just throwing in gratuitous links for SEO porpoises? (Whales, dolphins, sea lions, seals, baby seals.)

The real question is where do you, Mr. Nouveau Riche Jed, or whatever your name is, feel most comfortable on Dr. Dinero’s Pyramid of Risk and Reward.™

Can you handle the risk of losing everything or do you want safety even though it nets you less? In these tricky economic times, safety is the obvious choice. The riskier investments — higher on the pyramid — can pay off the most but they come with maximum probability of loss.

Mas…Dear Dr. Danilo Dinero: What should I do with this large cash settlement?

El Rey Del Art, painter of Arizona light, gone but not forgotten

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Crimson Justice‘Crimson Justice Swings by his Storage Unit for a Few Things’ by El Rey Del Art

He was the king of art, El Rey Del Art, and he painted flat bright canvases with the glare of Arizona. Landscapes. Animals. Superheroes and luchadores. Monkeys. Robots. Squids. Monkey robots. Monkey superheroes. The usual.

But then El Rey stopped painting the “real world,” dropped his art name and turned his attention to the virtual worlds of video games, which he paints in the style of the Fauvists, “characterized by seemingly wild brush work and strident colors.”

Check out his rendition of a favela in Brasil from Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2:

Mas…El Rey Del Art, painter of Arizona light, gone but not forgotten

Xican@ Space Odyssey: Lance Liberty reports for 101.3 Honest Radio

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It is sometime in the near future.

Laws have been set in motion to protect the American Homeland. Your freedom and sanity are at stake. Oh, and your jobs.

I forgot about your jobs. And your beautifully domesticated wives and children. You pay your taxes, yet you feel one-upped. Lied to. I know. I have a mortgage and a timeshare I haven’t paid in months. Meanwhile our lazy neighbors to the south consume our resources. But there’s no need to fear. No longer do we have to sit in Victoria’s Secret as our wives are gawked at by gang-banging border hoppers. No. Victoria is just beyond the horizon. And one man risks it all in his comfy radio studio located somewhere in the Arizona desert.

That man is Lance Liberty for 101.3 Honest Radio. Take it away, Lance…

Mas…Xican@ Space Odyssey: Lance Liberty reports for 101.3 Honest Radio

A time-traveling flapper’s dilemma: ‘Clara’s Los Angeles’ (video)

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Clara’s Los Angeles (14:59): The last thing Clara Villanueva remembers was dancing the Charleston at Hollywood’s Ambassador Hotel in 1926. When she wakes up on a park bench in modern downtown Los Angeles, she has a lot of catching up to do.

Marissa Chibas wrote, produced, directed and starred in this video, shot downtown and in Silverlake, Los Feliz and Hollywood. (Silent movie, with instrumental soundtrack and English/Spanish title cards.)

Goth industrial post-punk dark wave Veronica: ‘Naked’ (music video)

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“I dance all night, I’m trouble every day!”

Veronica “marks its corner of the sandbox with disdain and rancor. Frontman Omar’s voice traces base desires along electronic body music lines with Marilyn Manson-meets-Orgy groans. Naked is a stripped, raw and tightly magnificent pause in the happy-pop-fed masses’ pathetic existence,” José Benavides writes over at Remezcla, and who are we to disagree? One minute and 38 seconds of WIN from these Brooklyn pochos.

Hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your chicken wings: Rape jokes!

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I’ve been operating under the assumption that the average man has no love in his heart.

It’s a strange subconscious feeling that slowly crept into my daily life. I think, however, media played a bigger role in its development than my real interactions with others.

I know it’s not true, and up until recently, I wasn’t even aware that I felt that way.

I was thinking about the whole Daniel Tosh rape thing and I just thought to myself: Well, what do you expect? Men are not capable of love.

It was more than just a fleeting thought. It was a foundational belief that has been shaping how I look at the world.

I have to admit, when you see the position of women in our world, it’s hard to believe men can love. When men call us sluts and whores and cunts, it’s hard to believe they feel any ounce of love.  When you see the rape statistics, when you meet victims of rape, when you yourself have been assaulted, it’s really hard to think men can love.

However, bringing it back to Tosh, that doesn’t mean rape can’t be funny.

Rape victims are not fragile damaged hysterical women who burst into crying fits every time someone says the word rape. Actually, I’ve known both male and female rape victims who can find a rape joke funny because they don’t define who they are as a “rape victims.” They are just people who got raped.

Indulge me as I further illustrate my point.

Mas…Hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your chicken wings: Rape jokes!

Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo

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Dear Abuelita:
Is it possible to love two women at the same time? You see, I love my wive and I would do anything for her, but I also love my secret lover who inspires me in different ways that my wife does not. I make more love to my secret lover than to my wife. I think both of my loves complement my needs and I need both of them to be at peace.
Signed, Confused But Happy

Dear Con Fundio,
Don’t act like a tonto by saying you’d do anything for your wife. If you really meant it you would dump the hoochie coochie you have on the side and be a devoted husband. You’re so full of mierda, you need a lavativa not a lover.

Of course both your “loves” complement your needs. You’re a sin verguenza. Have you ever thought of the needs of your two women? How much are you offering them? I wouldn’t blame them if they had some one else on the side as well. Would serve you right.

Your pregunta is the biggest load of cacagada I’ve seen since my sancho plugged the toilet with one of his massive camotes.
Me da asco, cabron, Tu Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo

My photos from Comic-Con 2012 San Diego (and some extras)

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Can you spot the drunken alien?

I made my regular trek to San Diego this past weekend for the Comic-Con orgy of cosplay and mass-media promotion and I’ve got the pics to prove it.

I had signings, slideshows, spoke at an inner-city “Counter Con” to promote the comic arts to kids and grabbed super chingon Simpsons creator Matt Groening and begged him draw a sketch at MY signing. (Sorry, Matt.) I also chased nerdos y nerdas in their Latino-inspired costumes and snapped photos of them.

I undertake this trying mission to document parts of the ultra-crowded convention so that you don’t have to go and get constantly elbowed in the knees by ewoks. Or have to hear fundamentalist Christian preachers warning throngs of people dressed as aliens that they are “going to burn in hell.”

Live long and prosper, and enjoy the show!

Peep the photo gallery here:

Mas…My photos from Comic-Con 2012 San Diego (and some extras)

Las Cafeteras: ‘La Bamba Rebelde’ from East Los (music video)

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East Los Angeles’ Las Cafeteras walk the walk with this rebel version of La Bamba. “Yo no soy marinero” becomes “Yo no creo en fronteras” and “Soy capitan” is now “Yo cruzare.” Son jarocho and alt.folklorico rootsy ritmo manifest the Spanish lyrics in sound, and we must offer POCHO props for super location videography in the hood!

Here’s an audio only version:

And did you know you could make your own cajon just like in the video (that’s the box drum)? We’ve got links and stuff.

Mas…Las Cafeteras: ‘La Bamba Rebelde’ from East Los (music video)

Pocho Ocho Mexican products unlikely to make it in the U.S.

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Remember how Chevrolet totally FAILED when they introduced the Chevy Nova (photo) because “no va” means “it doesn’t go” in Spanish and people all over Latin America just laughed and laughed at the stupid gringos and didn’t buy any Novas? That story is bullshit.

But English en Espanol can be as wack as Spanish in Ingles, and that’s why these Pocho Ocho Mexican products have bleak sales prospects in Los United Estates:

8. Bicho Killer insecticide

7. Her Pez canned tuna

6. Golden Piscina bubble bath

Mas…Pocho Ocho Mexican products unlikely to make it in the U.S.

Armida stars in swinging jazz-fest ‘The Girl from Monterrey’ (video)

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IMDB:

Girl From Monterrey (1943): Mexican club singer Lita Valdez (Armida) is amazed to find that her younger brother Alberto is a talented boxer and is even more thrilled by his consistent success in the ring. Till [sic] he is forced to fight Jerry O’Leary, the man she loves. Caught between her devotion to both men, Lita tries her best to have the match canceled, but there is much more to the boxing racket than she had ever imagined…

This is a public domain video from the Internet Archive,where one of the commenters thinks he spots actor Jay Silverheels in the bar fight at 6:15…

Mainstream media wants to know: WTF are ‘pochos’ and ‘nacos’?

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I have long said it is a Pocho Planet, and maybe you can make the case that it’s a Naco World as well!

We all know what a pocha or a pocho is, and the greatness and prestige that designation implies. But if you aren’t clear, or wondering what the hell naco means, watch this mun2 video featuring Gustavo Arellano, Jenni Rivera, Commander Adama plus many other cool folks. And me.

Thanks to the gente at mun2 for having me!

Naco was the Word of the Day at the Daily Texican in 2004

La Llorona + El Chupacabra + Pachuco Luchador = ‘El Güey’ (video)

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It’s everything you want in a movie! All your favorite characters in ONE SHORT TRAILER! The plot:

La Llorona is on trial, accused of killing her children, but she maintains they were stolen by El Chupacabra (who is also an evil narcotraficante.) Can pachuco luchador El Güey come to her rescue?

There’s a great news video about the production but we can’t embed it, so click here for a Lone Star Scene report from the Austin, TX movie set.

Dear Abuelita: Busty rebozo, itchy nalgas, chilly chi-chis

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Dear Abuelita,
I’m a 43-year old married woman, but I think I fell in love with a 20-year old guy. I know he thinks of me as his mother and I have hinted my feelings for him but was rejected flat. Am I going through menopause? Midlife crisis? I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s been almost a year since I last saw him. How do I get over this?
Pendeja enamorada

Dear Pendeja enamorada,
Being obsessed with a firm 20-year-old muchacho is not love but it is a sure bet that you are a healthy 43-year old woman. You’re married, you’re bored, you’re feeling like a vieja way before your years and you’re horny. It’s natural.

BTW – I’m curious as to why he thought of you as his mother when you are only 23 years older than he is.

Did you try getting him to suck your tetas when riding the bus by tossing a rebozo over his head and popping them out? Maybe he was just the wrong guy to try that on. There are a lot of sick puppies out there into that sort of thing. So, I’ve heard.
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Busty rebozo, itchy nalgas, chilly chi-chis

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Rajas con crema if you don’t espeak English

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Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. Today I give you the recipe for Rajas con Crema. This was inspire by a trip to the store that sells Mexican things like dancing papier mâché skeletons, Frida Kahlo key chains, overpriced things for the wall. You know, is like Mexican Disneyland. I went in looking for a rebozo to give as a present for my comadre’s birthday.

I find the skinny hipster girl behind the cash register and I say, “Do you have any rebozos?”

“What’s that?” she say.

Anyone who knows Tia Lencha knows that she wanted to give the hipster girl a coco in la cabeza. “What do you mean what’s that? Is…a shawl…like you call it in English.”

“Oh. No,” she say.

“No what?”

“We don’t have those here,” she say. And she turn around like we were finish.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Rajas con crema if you don’t espeak English

Will ‘Fifty Shades of Brown’ dominate Latino erotica market?

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(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) Major book publisher Vintage House Editions announced the release this week of a Latino version of the popular soft-porn bestseller Fifty Shades of Grey.

Written by Santa Fe-based author Carmen Camacho, Fifty Shades of Brown is the erotic tale of a young woman swept up by a charming, detached older man and their tumultuous path towards amor.

The Spanish version of the original book, 50 Tonos de Café, has already been optioned for a Univision telenovela to be titled Te Sigo Pegando.

“Fifty Shades of Brown was written with the Latino market in mind and includes culturally-specific elements like facial hair, tequila and charreada-style BDSM instead of just the normal kind,” according to Vintage House spokesman Tristan Caldwell. “We think we can tie this audience up.”

Mas…Will ‘Fifty Shades of Brown’ dominate Latino erotica market?

When Spanish in school was illegal: ‘When I Dream Dreams’ (video)

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Once upon a time in America, Latino kids were not allowed to speak Spanish in school. This documentary recalls those days.

In 1918, Texas, along with many other states, enacted statutes that made the speaking of any language other than English on public school grounds illegal. These laws remained active until the U.S. Congress passed the Bilingual Education Act in 1968.

Through personal interviews with distinguished leaders and educators — all native Spanish/English-speakers — When I Dream Dreams explores the complex psychological and social effects of these laws by relating the experiences of these people as students and, later, as teachers, professors, and legislators.

When I Dream Dreams was made by four students enrolled in an alternative media course at Trinity University in 2001. It has won prizes and festival appearances around the United States, including Best Student Film at the San Francisco Latino Film Festival 2002, Best of the Fest at Cine Accion 2002, and official selection at San Antonio’s Cine Festival 2002. The piece takes its name from the poem by Carmen Tafolla.

From Archive.org

Pocho Ocho ways birthday girl Frida Kahlo has influenced our lives

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Those eyebrows, that hair, those monkeys. Happy birthday Frida Kahlo! We celebrate your awesome influence on our pocho lives by listing the top eight ways you’ve influenced us.

8. Made us think we, too, could be an artist. After all, she painted her own reality, right?

7. Inspired us to stop plucking your eyebrows. Or maybe you just didn’t feel like a chola anymore.

6. Helped us fall in love. If Frida could love a crazy fat man like Diego Rivera, surely the love of your life — and his panza — are worth the ride, too!

Mas…Pocho Ocho ways birthday girl Frida Kahlo has influenced our lives

Mexclusive: ‘Google Doodle’ honors Frida Kahlo’s 105th birthday!

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(PNS reporting from SILICON VALLEY) In honor of Mexican artist Frida Kahlo’s 105th birthday Friday, Google is featuring a special Google Doodle commemorating her contributions to international art.

Born on July 6, 1907, Kahlo was a surrealist painter and smoker who is best known for her brilliant self-portraits, her tragic life and her stormy relationships with such global figures as Diego Rivera, Leon Trotsky and Josephine Baker.

Kahlo was known to be uncompromising in her art, her politics and her famous monobrow, which launched a feminist revival and Fridamania craze in the 1990s and also extended the co-ed bisexual experimentation stage from one to two semesters.

Mas…Mexclusive: ‘Google Doodle’ honors Frida Kahlo’s 105th birthday!

It’s the bomb! Five-Second Films: ‘Vocabulario Explosivo’ (video)

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Yup. You figured it out. A five-second-long explosive video meant to help your Spanish vocabulary. Click to play. What do you have to lose?  OK.  Five seconds of your life.  Eight seconds if you include the opening and closing credits.  And yet, having a good vocabulary is worth the time. Am I right, people? *applause*

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