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Breaking: Latina wins Nobel for discovery of Culo Quotient

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culoquotient(PNS reporting from STOCKHOLM)  A Latina math professor was awarded the Nobel Prize in Mathematics Wednesday for her discovery of the mathematical relationship between dress dimensions and the bulbousness of the culo.

“It’s such a surprise! I was just trying to figure out how to shop for clothes that would fit me without making me look like a puta,” said Cal State L.A. Professor Rosie Carrasco, speaking to PNS from the kitchen of her mom’s house in East L.A.

Carrasco’s discovery — the Culo Quotient —  is a rigorous mathematical formula that uses the ratio of the length of a back of a a dress (typically shorter) and the length of the longer front of a dress to derive an accurate measurement of the size of the dress-wearer’s culo.

Her discovery was initially released on the Internet, before a movement sprung up to nominate her for the Nobel Prize.

She is the first Latina to win the prestigious award.

Mas…Breaking: Latina wins Nobel for discovery of Culo Quotient

California immigrants hail Jerry Brown’s veto of jury duty bill

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jurydutylatino(PNS reporting from SACRAMENTO) Gov. Jerry Brown vetoed legislation Monday that would have made California the first state in the nation to allow legal immigrants who are not citizens to serve on juries.

The governor has recently approved bills expanding the rights of immigrants, including legislation allowing those in the country without documents to apply for driver’s licenses and practice law. Democrat Brown said serving on a jury, however, was a civic duty that should be exclusive to citizens.

Ronaldo Santa Flojeraz (photo), 36, a client of the of  Los Angeles Immigrant Rights Labor Center, welcomed Brown’s decision. “Thank you, Governor Brown, for vetoing that bill,” he told PNS. “I was not looking forward to having to avoid the jury duty summons mailers sent by the local courts. I got better things to do.”

Mas…California immigrants hail Jerry Brown’s veto of jury duty bill

From Venuezuela: Труп чупакабры в Венесуэле (chupacabra video)

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Hey! I took Russki in college. Труп чупакабры в Венесуэле means “corpse of a chupacabra [found] in Venezuela.”

Poor Venezuela. Ever since Commandante Hugo Chavez died, his chosen successor Nicolas Maduro has had to cope with a series of Yanqui plots that are screwing up the economy in his socialist paradise.

First came the toilet paper shortage which Maduro blamed on imperialist sabotage, although he later tried to paint it as an example of his economic successes, claiming Venezuelan shit production had reached record levels, thereby outstripping the papel hygenico supply.

Mas…From Venuezuela: Труп чупакабры в Венесуэле (chupacabra video)

Careful, ladies: Driving ‘rolls up the pelvis’ and Pocho Ocho other things

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pelvisshiekh640 Driving is bad for your lady parts, according to Saudi Sheikh Saleh bin Saad al-Luhaydan, a “judicial and psychological consultant to the Gulf Psychological Association.”

Al Arabiya reports:

Driving ‘could have a reverse physiological impact. Physiological science and functional medicine studied this side [and found] that it automatically affects ovaries and rolls up the pelvis. This is why we find for women who continuously drive cars their children are born with clinical disorders of varying degrees,” al-Luhaydayn told Saudi news website sabq.org.

But that’s only the beginning of the problems that are caused when women take the wheel. Here’s the sheikh’s list of the Pocho Ocho other side-effects:

Mas…Careful, ladies: Driving ‘rolls up the pelvis’ and Pocho Ocho other things

Coon-hunting man kills chupacabra in Pigtown, Mississippi (video)

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WJTV News Channel 12 writes:

(Leake County, MS) A hunter in Leake County killed a mysterious animal in a repurposed chicken-coop on Wednesday morning. Some people in the area say it could be the mythical Chupacabra.

The hairless creature was killed in Pigtown – a community in Lena, Mississippi. Armed with a .22, Matthew Harrell said he was “coon hunting” when he saw the glowing red eyes in the hay.

Continued at WJTV News Channel 12….

Breaking: Area man stunned by woman’s verbal assault

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tobacco-road-miami(PNS reporting from MIAMI) Frequent catcaller Ruben Torres was stunned Monday evening when a woman he was ogling and taunting at an area dive bar flipped him the bird and berated him in front of his friends.

“I can’t believe she did that to me, man!” he said tearfully in an exclusive PNS interview. “Why would she be so mean?”

Clarissa Cortés told PNS she was “just not having it,” after a 10-hour day balancing the books at Ponce de Leon Wholesale Rejuvenation Supplies and then fighting the traffic on the Palmetto Expressway. She just wanted to leave Tobacco Road on South Miami Avenue and go home to Brickell. Torres’ catcall was the last straw, she said.

“Oh hell no, not after the day I had,” Cortés said. “So I turned around, flipped him the bird and told him that he was an hijo de puta!”

Mas…Breaking: Area man stunned by woman’s verbal assault

Breaking: Japanese actor Bad Badtz-Maru cast as Chicano

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angrybirdog(PNS reporting from TOKYO) Japanese character actor Bad Badtz-Maru will star as a gang-banging, tagging Chicano in a new animated feature called Angry Bird O.G., PNS confirmed on Sunday.

This could be a comeback role for 20-year-old Badtz-Maru (バッドばつ丸). The spiky-haired method actor has found little work since playing the mascot at the 2006 FIBA World Championship of Basketball here.

Mas…Breaking: Japanese actor Bad Badtz-Maru cast as Chicano

La Cucaracha: Voting — it’s not just for white people anymore (toon)

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cucavotingFifty years ago yesterday, four little girls were killed when white racists dynamited the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, AL. The African-American congregation had been active in the push for civil and voting rights in the segregated South.

But now that a misguided Supreme Court has overturned key provisions of the Voting Rights Act — a law prompted by the nation’s disgust at the Birmingham bombing and the arrests, demonstrations, riots, and murders that followed — the struggle for the right to vote continues.

Sarah Silverman explained the issue last year, when Republicans began their campaign to pass bogus “voter ID”  laws:

Mas…La Cucaracha: Voting — it’s not just for white people anymore (toon)

Califas will issue driver’s licenses to the undocumented

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cdlFox Latino, which puts “undocumented” in their headline but “illegal” in their story, reports:

California, home to the nation’s largest immigrant population, would become the 11th state to grant immigrants who are in the country illegally [sic] the right to a driver’s license under a bill that passed the Legislature late Thursday and that Gov. Jerry Brown supports.

The success of the legislation comes after years of setbacks for Democratic lawmakers and Latino activists.

The state Assembly approved the bill on a 55-19 vote late in the evening, hours after the Senate passed it on a 28-8 vote. The Democratic governor issued a statement indicating he would sign it into law.

9/11 ‘worst day ever’ for Alberto Qaeda of the Bronx

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alberto_qaedalarge(PNS reporting from EL BRONX) Almost every adult American remembers where they were on Sept. 11, 2001, but few remember more vividly than Bronx janitor Alberto Qaeda.

“That was the first time I ever got my ass kicked.  And the second time.  And the third,” recalls Qaeda, who used to go by the more informal name of “Al.”

Qaeda (photo), who was 17 in 2001, was a student at City College of New York studying to be a cashier when the first plane crashed into the World Trade Center.

Mas…9/11 ‘worst day ever’ for Alberto Qaeda of the Bronx

Swimmer Diana Nyad tows 400 balseros from Cuba to USA

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balserosweb(PNS reporting from FLORIDA) Diana Nyad walked onshore here Monday, becoming the first person to swim from Cuba towing 400 escaping balseros. The 64-year-old Nyad swam up to the beach just before 2PM EDT, about 53 hours after she began her journey in Havana.

As she approached, spectators waded into waist-high water and surrounded the Cuban refugees, and offering them water. “I have three messages. One is, we should never, ever give up. Two is, you’re never too old to chase your dream. Three is, all you Cubans better pay me the smuggling money you owe me.”

“I have to say, I’m a little bit out of it right now,” Nyad said. She gestured toward her swollen lips, and simply said “Cubans.”

Mas…Swimmer Diana Nyad tows 400 balseros from Cuba to USA

Breaking: New stamp honors Hispanic Heritage Month

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elborrachostamp(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) The U.S. Postal Service has released a new stamp to mark Hispanic Heritage Month 2013, which begins September 15.

The El Borracho stamp kicks off the Hispanic Male series, the brainchild of Joe Sendembach, who left the Border Patrol to join the USPS as an artist and rose to Director of Creative Services.

“It honors the way us veterans of the MIGRA-Industrial Complex feel about the Hispanic male,” according to Sendembach.

“We plan other cultural stamps along these lines, including  a Drug Mule series,” Sendembach wrote in a press release distributed this morning.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Venezuela’s Maduro Tweets to Obama: ‘Don’t bomb Syria’

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basharmadurobffs


Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro knows what to do about Syria, based on careful study of the works of Jesus of Nazareth, Susan Sontag, Brother Malcolm X, the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., John Lennon, Robert Fisk, Hugo Chavez, Howard Zinn and Simon Bolivar.

The commie commandante, still BFFs with murderous Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad, publicly shared his foreign policy expertise with His Excellency Barack Obama Monday afternoon:

Mas…Venezuela’s Maduro Tweets to Obama: ‘Don’t bomb Syria’

Breaking: Obama says U.S. will bomb Twerky

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obamatwerkyyy(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) President Barack Obama has abruptly dismissed the possibility of launching a U.S. military action against Syria and opted for another world trouble spot.

“I am making preparations to bomb Twerky,” the President declared in a nationally-televised speech Friday afternoon. “It is clear that Syria has used banned chemical weapons against its own people, but I must be guided by what is in the best interests of the United States, and the actual clear and present danger to our nation is coming from Twerky.”

Mas…Breaking: Obama says U.S. will bomb Twerky

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