Just before Kim Kardashian was rushed to Cedars-Sinai Hospital in West Hollywood to deliver a daughter (with babydaddy Kanye West), she was at Lamaze classes with unwed teenage mom-to-be Rosalinda Guzman. (NSFW language.)
Looks legit! UFO spotted over Mulholland Drive (video)
The view is from Mulholland Drive, the fabled road that follows the crest of the Santa Monica Mountains, looking north into the San Fernando Valley toward Pacoima, hometown of Ritchie Valens. But wait, what’s that, up in the air…
Luiz Antonio: A argumentação para não comer polvo (video)
From Brazil: Young Luiz Antonio asks Mom about the octopus (polvo) they’re having for lunch:
Is an octopus an animal? Where is his head? Why did he have to die? Is a chicken an animal? A cow? I don’t want them to die. Why are you crying, Mommy?
Feds arrest ‘burrito-bomber’ who says CIA tapped his brain
(ALBUQUERQUE, NM) The Feds have arrested a man who allegedly threatened to detonate a bomb-filled burrito (artist’s conception, right) in the FBI office here, a man who has claimed that he was personally the subject of government spying.
His shocking accusation?
Uncle Sam AKA Tio Sam implanted brain-tapping equipment in his cabeza.
Brian DeMarco, 50, a resident of the Super 8 Motel off of Coors Boulevard, revealed to authorities that the government “placed a tracking device inside his head” in addition to “beaming photons.”
If confirmed, his allegation would dovetail perfectly with a POCHO Mexclusive story about how the National Security Agency (NSA) has outsourced surveillance of Americans in border states to the Mexican Security Agency (MSA.)
Mas…Feds arrest ‘burrito-bomber’ who says CIA tapped his brain
Breaking Ñews: Paleta stock prices heat up as Summer looms
(PNS reporting from WALL STREET) Summer has begun baking the country, and that means just one thing on Wall Street: A steep rise in the value of paleta stocks.
“We all look forward to a seasonal bump in the iced treats sector. This year, Navidad came early,” said Alexander Wiseman, a desserts and novelty/snack food analyst for investment bank Barney, Smith & Locke.
“The paletas de coco seem to be particularly big sellers thus far, but more conservative investors are sticking with the time-tested favorites, such as fresa and limón. Ah, nothing really cools you down like a lime paleta,” he told PNS.
Mas…Breaking Ñews: Paleta stock prices heat up as Summer looms
If Betsy Ross hung out with Diego Rivera’s ‘La Molendera’ (toon)
Another painted exploration mashing up alternate realities and histories by Mike Madrid, a tribute to Diego Rivera.
RELATED:
Beyond the Facts: Patriotic student refuses to learn Spanish (video)
“You can’t force me to learn a foreign language on American soil,” high school sophomore Kyle Johnson said. “Spanish sucks! I’m American and I speak American!” And he went to court to fight for his rights. (NSFW explicit language.)
Flash: Man is only a misogynist when at his mom’s house
(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Mario Villarreal isn’t considered a misogynist by most of his friends — he even has female friends — but everything changes once he crosses the threshold of his mother’s home here.
“All of a sudden, he’s struck with a sudden case of mamitis, which in turn causes his machismo to come out,” said Monica García, who is Villarreal’s friend outside of the confines of his mom’s.
“He’s pretty down most of the time, he came out to Take Back the Night and the Chicana Women’s Forum we held last month,” the UCLA junior said. “But when I went home to his mom’s house he was all, like, telling her what to do while sitting on the couch when clearly she was tired. What a jerk!”
The Latino Shopper: You probably think this vid is about you
ZOMG! They made a video about mi gente, The Latino Shopper? About how we are unique and have a special sensual way of Latino shopping? Because, after all, all Latinos are the same! That’s right, Hispanics, too! Does this video have clip art, arrows and zoomy sound effects? Perky gabacho announcer? ¡Orale! I am so there!
Texas reacts to mariachi kid anthem racism: ‘We can do better!’
(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Some Texans are ashamed of last night’s racist online reaction to 10-year-old mariachi singer Sebastien de la Cruz’s performance of The Star Spangled Banner at the NBA finals here.
“We can do better!” shouted one local activist at a hastily-called demonstration outside AT&T Center today.
“How can we expect more people to join our racist krusade if we persist in really sloppy spelling, inconsistent capitalization, confused subject-verb agreement and endless repetition of stale cliches?” said Stanley Merdkopf, president of the local chapter of Organized Racist Crackers for America (ORCA.)
Mas…Texas reacts to mariachi kid anthem racism: ‘We can do better!’
Carlos Santana mends his evil ways, lists Las Vegas house for sale
(PNS reporting from LAS VEGAS) Guitar hero and chart-topping band leader Carlos Santana has put his 7,240-square-foot, four-bedroom, six-bath home up for sale as part a 12-step program to “mend…[his]..evil ways” and simplify his life, PNS has learned.
“When I come home, Baby, my house is dark and my pots are cold,” he told area Realtor® Babette “Call Me Baby” DiFranco when he gave her the Skybird Court listing. The home is offered at $3,499,900.
The amazing state-of-the-art luxury home with million-dollar Strip, golf, city and mountain views is located on an oversized lot in Redhawk at The Ridges and allows one to relax in the spacious master retreat with a fireplace and large balcony with stunning views. And that’s where the guitarist’s problems began, according to DiFranco.
“House put a spell on me, Baby, turnin’ my heart into stone,” Santana told the real estate agent. “It’s like I need you so bad, but I can’t leave you alone.”
Mas…Carlos Santana mends his evil ways, lists Las Vegas house for sale
Al Madrigal exposes evil whistleblowing humane criminals (video)
The Daily Show’s Al Madrigal exposes the evil whistleblowing videographers who video animal abuse, blow their little whistles and thereby help the terrorists win. Because who the hell cares how chickens are killed, and pigs stunned and cows bled? [Disclosure: Madrigal also tells tax authorities he is POCHO’s Migrant Editor.]
Flash: Three authors get Castaneda Research Bullshit Award
(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Carmen Reinhart and Kenneth Rogoff, authors of the mathematically-challenged Growth in a Time of Debt pro-“austerity” study, and Jason Richwine, the Heritage Foundation researcher who claimed Hispanics have lower IQs, are the recipients of the 2013 Carlos Castaneda Award for Academic Bullshit, it was announced today.
The prize is named for the Peruvian-born UCLA anthropologist and cult leader who wrote several best-selling books about a Yaqui brujo that were marketed as truth but turned out to be bullshit. It’s presented annually to “those academic authors who manage to fool some of the people some of the time.”
The award, which features a $19.99 monthly stipend and a year’s supply of vegetarian “sausage” for the winners, is a community project of the Soyrizo Foundation of Los Angeles, which is “dedicated to recognizing and celebrating phony-ass shit wherever we find it, with a spicy Latin flair,” executive vice president Penn O. Kehoe said in a foundation press release.
Mas…Flash: Three authors get Castaneda Research Bullshit Award
Lamar High junior drops ‘slave name,’ renames self ‘Jennifer Lopez’
(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) A local teen has decided to discard her slave name “María de la Paz Rodriguez Ramírez” and rename herself “Jennifer Lopez” after her Latina idol.
“I’m tired of being kept down by the man. My slave name ‘María de la Paz’ is clearly a name with Spanish roots and my family is originally from Mexico City, the former capital of the Aztec empire,” the 16-year-old Lamar High School junior said.
“I will no longer be kept down by my conquerers’ attempts to stifle my culture.”
Mas…Lamar High junior drops ‘slave name,’ renames self ‘Jennifer Lopez’
Flash: Bob Esponja reveals he’s an undocumented immigrant
(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) SpongeBob SquarePants is an undocumented immigrant whose family drifted into Bikini Bottom, Hawaii, from Mexico when he was child, the Nickelodeon star revealed this morning.
SquarePants (real name: Bob Esponja) made the announcement at packed press conference called by Animal Actors for Reform and Fairness (AARF), a pro-immigration reform group.
The reality TV actor plans to apply for President Obama’s Deferred Action program so he can work and drive legally.
“Sure — I’m absorbent. And porous. And as yellow as can be,” he said, his voice cracking, “but that doesn’t mean I should live in a piña under the sea.”
Mas…Flash: Bob Esponja reveals he’s an undocumented immigrant
Food News: Flying burger copter delivers lunch in England (video)
It’s not bogus like the taco copter or merely a proof of concept like the flying burrito bomber. It’s not a product that hasn’t shipped yet, like the 3D tortilla printer. The flying hamburger copter is here; actually it’s over there, in London. As a matter of fact, if you’re in London now, order a burger to go with everything on it to be delivered to the POCHO office. When they ask for money, tell ’em Wimpy sent you.
Pocho Gothic (toon)
One picture is worth a thousand words. This illustration begs the question, “Are you looking at me?” [Painting by Mike Madrid]
Dr. Gonzo Oscar Zeta Acosta sees shadow, will hide for another year
(PNS reporting from MEXICO) Famed Chicano attorney Oscar Zeta Acosta — who “disappeared without a trace” in Mexico 40 years ago — has once again seen his shadow while sitting on the wharf in San Blas, Nayarit. Now he’ll have to live a life of secret exile for another year.
Acosta, now 78, sits on a comfortable chair overlooking the Pacific every June 1. If he sees his shadow before a certain time, Acosta announces, “I have paid all my debts, I have paid all my dues and now nothing remains but the joy of madness. Another Indian gone amok.”
He made that exact announcement in a workingman’s waterfront pulque bar 10 days ago, PNS has learned.
Mas…Dr. Gonzo Oscar Zeta Acosta sees shadow, will hide for another year
Pocho Ocho ways to tell the MSA is esnooping and espying on ustedes
It’s not just the National Security Agency (NSA) doing the esnooping and espying.
Great Britain’s MI5 and MI6 are American partners in Europe. Israel’s Mossad and Shin Bet have the Mideast portfolio.
And in Latino communities in the United Estates, invading your privacy has been outsourced to the Mexican Security Agency (MSA).
Paranoid yet? Here are the Pocho Ways to tell if the Mexican Security Agency (MSA) is espying on you:
8. Neighborhood burros watch you suspiciously after you wake up from your cactus-shaded siesta.
7. Whenever you post that you ROFLMAO when you really only LOL, you get an anonymous text that says “En boca cerrada, no entran moscas.”
6. When Chivas fans do the “Mexican wave” on TV, they hold up big cards that spell out your email password.
Mas…Pocho Ocho ways to tell the MSA is esnooping and espying on ustedes
Whitest Kids U Know: Hey, kids, aren’t you lucky?! (music video)
Aren’t You Lucky to be born in the only place that always gets it right? The Whitest Kids U Know sing.
Dear Mom and Dad: Thank you for sending me to Camp Rancho Cholo
Dear Mom and Dad Pocho: How are you? I am fine. Tio Chuy says I have to write at least one letter a week if I want to get a tat, so here it is. Everything here at Camp Rancho Cholo is too cool for school. The vatos in my crib are fun to hang out with and the counselors let you eat all the food you want in the dining hall even if it doesn’t taste that good.
Mas…Dear Mom and Dad: Thank you for sending me to Camp Rancho Cholo
Student stunned to learn blue contacts don’t make her look white
(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Marisa Rodriguez just wanted to look “fresh” for the summer.
What she didn’t want was the public humiliation from finding out the blue contact lenses she bought at the Mothers’ Day car show and swap meet at Traders’ Village didn’t actually make her look fresh, or more white.
“It happened at school when one of my classmates laughed at me when I asked him if he noticed something different about me,” the Harlandale High School junior tearfully told PNS.
“Justin is a bully, he just laughed at said I had a nopal on my forehead and that I looked lame with these blue contacts!”
Mas…Student stunned to learn blue contacts don’t make her look white
Report from Barrio Walden: Chillin’ pondside with Enrique Thoreau
IMAGINE MY SHOCK.
I was living in Massachusetts for the first time. Adjusting. The first time I saw snow falling past my Somerville apartment window, I told a woman on the phone that a neighbor was on the roof shaking out a pillow. Not many snowstorms in my desertified homeland. The first time I saw ice on the sidewalk, I thought a prankster had smeared Vaseline on the bricks to watch businessmen fall down.
This old world was all new to me. I was manhandled by quotidian revelations, wrenched by the duende of Yankee cultural hoodoo. So when I realized I could walk over to Porter Square (where the porterhouse steak was first hacked out of some Bostonian cow) and catch a commuter train to Concord, to Walden freakin’ Pond, I was off and running.
Mas…Report from Barrio Walden: Chillin’ pondside with Enrique Thoreau
Depressed? Shy? Ask your doctor if tequila is right for you (video)
Are you depressed? Shy? Trouble coming out of your shell? Do you sometimes feel you should be more assertive? Ask your doctor if tequila is right for you.
Dateline Република Србија: All my friends know the lowrider (video)
In the formerly-Soviet Република Србија (Republic of Serbia), lowrider rides you!
Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods
(PNS reporting from TEXAS) After suspending two Latino employees in an Albuquerque, NM store for daring to speak Spanish, specialty grocer Whole Foods has announced that it will be changing its name to “AssWhole Foods.”
Whole Foods PR executive Kaley Quinoa, at the company’s corporate offices in Austin, released this statement:
We feel we need to reflect the public’s view of our changing brand, and nothing would represent this view better than changing our name to AssWhole Foods.
Quinoa explained her company’s “English Only” policies this way
Mas…Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods
Princeton Study: Majority of Mexicans don’t know how to dance salsa
(PNS reporting from PRINCETON) A study from Princeton University has confirmed what many have long believed: Mexicans, and Mexican Americans, do not actually know how to dance to salsa music.
A Caribbean Hispanic export, salsa is often included with more typically Mexican dance styles, like the quebradita or cumbia, but the truth, according to the study, is that Mexicans don’t actually know what they are doing.
“Salsa is, like, a Cuban thing. My family is from Denver,” one research subject complained.
“Participants in the study reported anxiety and cluelessness when attending quinceañeras and hearing Elvis Crespo or Celia Cruz music playing,” said cultural anthropology professor Dr. Anton Flemming, who was the lead researcher on the project.
Mas…Princeton Study: Majority of Mexicans don’t know how to dance salsa
Shocking video: Facebook updates a guy’s real life
True story! My cousin’s friend in Baltimore came back to his place after work and found out that Facebook had updated his real life! Luckily for us, he had a full sound and video crew there. Also maybe lighting and craft services.
Speaking bad Spanish makes Silverlake artist look like douche
(PNS reporting from SILVERLAKE) It was a shocker when encaustic and collage mixed-media artist Ben Brown found out.
Even though he spent two years of high school learning Español, his habit of dropping a word or two in Spanish into day-to-day English conversations has not increased his “street cred” even un poquito.
The self-proclaimed free-spirit, a three-year resident of this trendy “East Hollywood-adjacent” neighborhood, said he had to face the fact that others did not perceive him as special or cool merely because said “hermano” or “comprende” at the end of his sentences, and they weren’t impressed by the pains he took to pronounce the double R in words like “burrito” or “ferrocarril.”
Mas…Speaking bad Spanish makes Silverlake artist look like douche
Gustavo Arellano: Summers, I turn on my inner George Clooney
Summers are when our amigo Gustavo ¡Ask A Mexican! Arellano, editor of the OC Weekly, turns on his inner George Clooney. In a grisly yearly ritual, Gustavo entrusts me, POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz, with the opportunity to illustrate a comic relating some sad aspect of his tragic love life. He writes the comic script, but then lets me have his way with the last panel, and the results are guaranteed to entertain you and embarrass Gus! The way he described it to me, it looks something like this…
Get Loqui! Spanglish mariachi cover of Daft Punk’s ‘Get Lucky’ (video)
No, it’s not Juan Direction. It’s Sangre Azteca playing Uruapan Mexican Son the mariachi and Spanglish-ish version of Get Lucky by Daft Punk. You can hear these guys every Friday on the radio show Despierta Exa 6 to 10 AM, probably in some Mexican time zone, on Exa FM. Their Spanglish is more like Manglish.
Here are the English lyrics so you can follow along:
Mas…Get Loqui! Spanglish mariachi cover of Daft Punk’s ‘Get Lucky’ (video)