I really, really hate Christmas and here’s why

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I’m so sick of Christmas and December isn’t even a week old!

Every year it’s the same crap over and over again. I mean, I wasn’t even finished pretending not to eat Halloween candy before people started playing that Christmas music — don’t even get me started on the music! It’s like, let’s take a has-been artist and have them pump out some horrible tripe and force everyone to remember why they became irrelevant in the first place, all the while pretending like we’re enjoying the tunes.

You know, all those songs were written during a time when my grandparents weren’t even allowed to go into certain restaurants. “No Mexicans, No Dogs” is what the door signs used to say. “White Christmas” indeed!

Mas…I really, really hate Christmas and here’s why

Tio Sam’s official gummint blog: No Mayan Apocalypse for you

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Yes, your Uncle Sam wastes your tax money on blogs while millions suffer and our country lurches toward the fiscal cliff. And Tio Sam says no Mayan Apocalypse for you, despite the obvious DOOMSDAY 2012 COUNTDOWN CLOCK in the right column of EVERY PAGE ON POCHO which says we only have two weeks left!

Ignoring hundreds of thousands of blog posts, websites, videos, prophecies and Tweets, Big Government wants to tell you what “scientists” think. These are the same “people” who think they know better than Hispanic Sen. Marco “Pollo” Rubio the age of the Earth. (It’s 6000 years, but who’s counting?)

Why are they doing this? “For the children!” )*&^%#

Here’s Monday’s official posting, from Blog.USA.gov:

Scary Rumors about the World Ending in 2012 Are Just Rumors

False rumors about the end of the world in 2012 have been commonplace on the Internet for some time. Many of these rumors involve the Mayan calendar ending in 2012 (it won’t), a comet causing catastrophic effects (definitely not), a hidden planet sneaking up and colliding with us (no and no), and many others.

Mas…Tio Sam’s official gummint blog: No Mayan Apocalypse for you

The Talking Dead: No Habla Zombie

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The Walking Dead is a great television series. It has captured that attention of the nation with a human drama centered around less-than-human storylines. But it is not without its own flaws, one of which is the lack of racial diversity on the show.

One of the people I follow on Twitter is Glen Mazzara, the executive producer and one of the writers for The Walking Dead. His Twitter feed usually consists of promos for the show but the other day he posted a link to an article in Slate that criticized the show for only allowing one black guy at a time among the living. The Tweet ? “One Black Guy at a Time.”

The article noted that the show’s only black female character, Michonne, was not allowed to use words to settle conflicts – she always resorts to the sword. Rick, the show’s main character, has used reason to get out of a bad situation on more than one occasion. Why does the black chick always have to be pissed off, silent and bloodthirsty?

Mas…The Talking Dead: No Habla Zombie

Have you seen her? Search for LOST GOV takes it to the streets (photo)*

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Concerned Americans across this great nation covered telephone poles with flyers today as the search for missing Gov. Jan Brewer (R-AZ) galvanized the citizenry.

Have you seen a flyer in your neighborhood? Have you spotted Brewer? Email a photo to info@pocho.com and we’ll get it online ASAP. Need a flyer to print and post yourself? The large-size printable flyers are here: LOST GOV Please print and share!

*UPDATED: Concerned citizen David W in Oregon posted and photographed the flyer in his neighborhood:

Mas…Have you seen her? Search for LOST GOV takes it to the streets (photo)*

Student activist confesses: ‘I’m actually mestizo, not indígena’

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(PNS reporting from SAN JOSE) Johnny Ramírez had a huge confession to make to his Pre-Columbian Latin American history class last week. The summer he spent in Barcelona really changed him, the San Jose State junior told his fellow students during section.

“I always felt this pressure to be true to my indígena Aztec roots, you know? Even though me — and well my parents and grandparents, too — were all born right here in California, I always wanted to honor my family’s real roots,” the well-known Latino campus activist said. (Ramirez, right, was photographed at an immigrants’ rights march last May Day.)

When he was in Barcelona, he said, he realized that he had Spanish blood, too, and it wasn’t something to be ashamed of — but proud. He has a cousin, Juanita, who has hazel eyes, so obviously his family has Spanish blood, too.

Mas…Student activist confesses: ‘I’m actually mestizo, not indígena’

Where in the &*+@# is Jan Brewer? The Pocho Ocho places…

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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is MISSING. Before you uncork the champagne, and before she comes back from her one-week vanishing, here’s the Pocho Ocho places Jan Brewer COULD BE:

8. At the Rawlings factory getting her skin re-laced

7. In Georgia filming the lead zombie role in “Walking Dead”

6. At a private correctional prison junket to Alcatraz

Mas…Where in the &*+@# is Jan Brewer? The Pocho Ocho places…

Realization: Man watches telenovelas for boobs, not to learn Spanish

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(PNS reporting from IOWA CITY) Brian Peterson said he started out last Friday night like any other night — catching up on his favorite telenovela so he could improve his Spanish language skills.

But this episode of El Amor No Muere was different.

“After three months of pretending like they could be just friends, Gabriela and Domingo were finally going to get together! But instead of just kissing, they ended up, well, more compromised,” Peterson told PNS. “That’s when it happened.”

HVAC specialist Peterson had watched telenovelas purely for their educational value. He wanted to learn, in his words, “how people truly and actually live” in Mexico.

Señora Hall, his old Regina High Spanish teacher who studied Spanish in Spain, once told him many students swore by telenoevelas for their educational value, and he remembered her advice when he was trying to understand what some Spanish-speaking coworkers were trying to tell him.

“I understood tech words in Spanish like ‘hot’ and ‘cold’,” he told PNS, “but I wanted to learn the nuances of Español.  That’s why I started watch the shows on Spanish TV.”

Friday night, all of a sudden, without warning, Peterson noticed Gabriela Spanic’s ample cleavage and low-cut blouses for the first time.

Mas…Realization: Man watches telenovelas for boobs, not to learn Spanish

Tía Chita: ‘It’s final! I’ve absolutely, positively made my last tamal!’

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(PNS reporting from LAREDO) Tia Chita will not be hosting the annual holiday season tamalada at her house this year, she revealed to her family last night. As a matter of fact, she told stunned participants at her niece’s baby shower, she never wants to make another tamal in her life.

“First of all, I’m sick of all the gossip!” she shouted, pacing around the room quicker and quicker the more excited she became.

“I know the tamaladas are where all the comadres are supposed to catch up on ‘family news’ and everything, but did you ever think that I really don’t care who’s sleeping with whom and who’s going to have a baby? Ya estoy vieja, I’ve been a million weddings already!”

Chita is sick of everyone coming over to eat her food and then leaving dirty napkins everywhere, staining her nice couches with tamal grease, she said. Sometimes the bathroom gets stopped up, and she has to have the neighbor come over with the plumber’s snake. “He’s not a smell-good plumber,” she grimaced.

Mas…Tía Chita: ‘It’s final! I’ve absolutely, positively made my last tamal!’

Ñewsweek: The Chicano handshake, RATM, Bimbo ♥ Twinkie?

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Make friends and influence people with a Chicano handshake?

That’s right, pochas y pochos, you too can reinforce your raza credibility with a puro handshake, as Subcommandanta del News Sara Inés Calderón demonstrates in her viral video. She illustrates the proper form for handshakes in Califas and Tejas plus throws in a variation that answers the musical question Why Can’t We Be Friends?

On the music front, Pocho Ñews Service Floridita Burro Jefe Santino J. Rivera takes a look at the contradiction between Rage Against the Machine’s message and some clueless fans’ love of the band. Hint: VP wannabe Paul Ryan isn’t the only doofus.

On the international business news beat, Subcommandante del Cultura Victor Payan blows the lid off the Republican effort to thwart the sale of bankrupt Hostess to Mexico’s Bimbo.  Revelations from the TwinkieLeaks website include this money quote from GOP guru Karl Rove: “They can have my DingDong when they pry it from my cold, dead hand.”

And New Jack City Burro Jefe Elise Roedenbeck illuminates the softer side of South America with the sad tale of a Peruvian girl and her llama —  a lament for lost youth, innocence and a little girl’s dreams.

These are top stories that broke the ñews on POCHO this week:

Mas…Ñewsweek: The Chicano handshake, RATM, Bimbo ♥ Twinkie?

‘Why Braceros?’ 1959 PR film says don’t be scared, it’s OK

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Don’t worry, gringos, Mexican nationals won’t steal your job since all these “nationals” do is “stoop labor.” Also, explains the friendly Mexican Consul, they are “braceros” and not “wetbacks.”

The 19-minute film Why Braceros? was produced around 1959 on behalf of the Council of California Growers.

The Journal of Murketing explains:

It aims to tell viewers about “the benefits of the bracero program,” The Field Guide to Sponsored Films explains, “originally initiated by the United States in 1942 to alleviate the World War II labor shortage.” This was a “guest worker” program that made it okay for Mexican labor to be brought in seasonally to work on cotton farms and other manual jobs (“stoop labor,” it’s called in the films).

Mas…‘Why Braceros?’ 1959 PR film says don’t be scared, it’s OK

Rage Against the Machine is 20 but many fans are still clueless

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Rage Against the Machine’s debut album turns 20 this week and their legacy is still shrouded in confusion and ignorance. Back in the day, the band stormed the mainstream scene with angry Chicano rock, only the mainstream never noticed the Chicano part.

Chicano rock? You mean Santana..?

What always strikes me about Rage is how little so many of their fans know about their music or message. Recent failed VP candidate Paul Ryan is the personification of that ignorance. He claimed that Rage is his favorite band. Rage’s guitarist, Tom Morello was outraged by this and replied that Ryan is part of the machine the band has been raging against the last 20 years.

Well, no shit! But how could Ryan be so confused…?

Mas…Rage Against the Machine is 20 but many fans are still clueless

Pocho Ocho things Senator John McCain still needs to know

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In the wake of the Benghazi attacks, Sen. John McCain still has “many many” unanswered questions. Even after a private meeting with U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice and acting CIA Director Michael Morell, McCain’s thirst for knowledge remains unquenched.

Here are the pocho ocho things he still needs to know:

8. Where is this Ben Ghazi fellow?
7. Who is responsible for this pudding?
6. Why hasn’t Ronald Reagan called me back?

Mas…Pocho Ocho things Senator John McCain still needs to know

Woman reunited with beloved childhood llama – llama indifferent

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(PNS reporting from PERU) Rosalin Llosa learned the hard way that absence doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder.

On a recent trip to her birthplace of Arequipa, Peru, Rosalin was reunited with her beloved childhood llama, Pepita. Though Rosalin raised the orphaned llama from infancy, the animal remained aloof to her presence.

“I thought she’d get all excited like in those YouTube videos,” Rosalin said, “but look at her just eating grass; she won’t even look up. Why won’t you look at me!? I LOVE YOU!”

Mas…Woman reunited with beloved childhood llama – llama indifferent

Mayan Apocalypse, solar flares (video), Chinese man builds ‘ark’

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It’s coming — the End of the World As We Know it is just three weeks away — December 21 [CHECK OUR EXCLUSIVE MAYAN APOCALYPSE DOOMSDAY 2012 COUNTDOWN TIMER IN THE RIGHT COLUMN AND SYNCHRONIZE YOUR DEVICES.]

From the video:

The sun has been totally erupting with massive solar flares, dude, because the Earth and Jupiter are no longer in alignment, causing the Sun to fall inward on itself because there is less gravity pulling the Sun out, dig? Have you formulated emergency plans? It will be interesting to see what happens in the next 24 hours!

In China, Lu Zhenghai has been reading up on the upcoming Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday and he is totally prepared with his bitchin’ new self-constructed ark.

Mas…Mayan Apocalypse, solar flares (video), Chinese man builds ‘ark’

Marry a citizen, become a citizen at PendejoMatch.com (video)

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Sen. John Kyl, a Republican (surprise surprise!) from the Hate State of Arizona, is pleased to announce his online dating site for the young, undocumented and desperate.

Marry a citizen, become a citizen!

It’s just that easy with the “quick path to citizenship” from PendejoMatch.com.

Try Pendejo Match for free for 30 days or your money back! Just looking for love? Our sister site MojadoMingle.com is the place for you. Or maybe GueyDate.net.

Pocho Ocho key provisions of Republican ‘Dream Act Lite’

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They got a serious ass-whupping and they know it, so Republican “moderates” are crafting a “Dream Act Lite” to try to bridge the gap with Latinos.

Here are their Pocho Ocho key provisions:

8. Replace old slogan “No wet backs, no wet dreams” with something more encouraging.
7. Military service need not be completed to achieve citizenship if you are killed in line of duty.
6. You dropped some “anchor babies”? Can you sing “In the Navy”? We thought you could.

Mas…Pocho Ocho key provisions of Republican ‘Dream Act Lite’

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