Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is MISSING. Before you uncork the champagne, and before she comes back from her one-week vanishing, here’s the Pocho Ocho places Jan Brewer COULD BE:
8. At the Rawlings factory getting her skin re-laced
7. In Georgia filming the lead zombie role in “Walking Dead”
6. At a private correctional prison junket to Alcatraz
Mas…Where in the &*+@# is Jan Brewer? The Pocho Ocho places…
(PNS reporting from IOWA CITY) Brian Peterson said he started out last Friday night like any other night — catching up on his favorite telenovela so he could improve his Spanish language skills.
But this episode of El Amor No Muere was different.
“After three months of pretending like they could be just friends, Gabriela and Domingo were finally going to get together! But instead of just kissing, they ended up, well, more compromised,” Peterson told PNS. “That’s when it happened.”
HVAC specialist Peterson had watched telenovelas purely for their educational value. He wanted to learn, in his words, “how people truly and actually live” in Mexico.
Señora Hall, his old Regina High Spanish teacher who studied Spanish in Spain, once told him many students swore by telenoevelas for their educational value, and he remembered her advice when he was trying to understand what some Spanish-speaking coworkers were trying to tell him.
“I understood tech words in Spanish like ‘hot’ and ‘cold’,” he told PNS, “but I wanted to learn the nuances of Español. That’s why I started watch the shows on Spanish TV.”
Friday night, all of a sudden, without warning, Peterson noticed Gabriela Spanic’s ample cleavage and low-cut blouses for the first time.
Mas…Realization: Man watches telenovelas for boobs, not to learn Spanish
The Pope is on Twitter and the Sisters of the Vatican have a new fashion show! Thank God the world is ending in three weeks!
(PNS reporting from LAREDO) Tia Chita will not be hosting the annual holiday season tamalada at her house this year, she revealed to her family last night. As a matter of fact, she told stunned participants at her niece’s baby shower, she never wants to make another tamal in her life.
“First of all, I’m sick of all the gossip!” she shouted, pacing around the room quicker and quicker the more excited she became.
“I know the tamaladas are where all the comadres are supposed to catch up on ‘family news’ and everything, but did you ever think that I really don’t care who’s sleeping with whom and who’s going to have a baby? Ya estoy vieja, I’ve been a million weddings already!”
Chita is sick of everyone coming over to eat her food and then leaving dirty napkins everywhere, staining her nice couches with tamal grease, she said. Sometimes the bathroom gets stopped up, and she has to have the neighbor come over with the plumber’s snake. “He’s not a smell-good plumber,” she grimaced.
Mas…Tía Chita: ‘It’s final! I’ve absolutely, positively made my last tamal!’
The ancient Mayans cooked their food with balls, according to recent archaeological discoveries.
The 1-2-inch clay balls were unearthed at an excavation of a kitchen at Escalera al Cielo in Yucatán.
Thought to be 1000 years old, the balls contained microscopic pieces of maize, beans, squash and root crops.
When you roll with the East Side Locos, you have to learn proper tagging technique…or else.
From Barcelona comes Mamá, just under three-and-a-half-minutes of terror. Good morning!
Make friends and influence people with a Chicano handshake?
That’s right, pochas y pochos, you too can reinforce your raza credibility with a puro handshake, as Subcommandanta del News Sara Inés Calderón demonstrates in her viral video. She illustrates the proper form for handshakes in Califas and Tejas plus throws in a variation that answers the musical question Why Can’t We Be Friends?
On the music front, Pocho Ñews Service Floridita Burro Jefe Santino J. Rivera takes a look at the contradiction between Rage Against the Machine’s message and some clueless fans’ love of the band. Hint: VP wannabe Paul Ryan isn’t the only doofus.
On the international business news beat, Subcommandante del Cultura Victor Payan blows the lid off the Republican effort to thwart the sale of bankrupt Hostess to Mexico’s Bimbo. Revelations from the TwinkieLeaks website include this money quote from GOP guru Karl Rove: “They can have my DingDong when they pry it from my cold, dead hand.”
And New Jack City Burro Jefe Elise Roedenbeck illuminates the softer side of South America with the sad tale of a Peruvian girl and her llama — a lament for lost youth, innocence and a little girl’s dreams.
These are top stories that broke the ñews on POCHO this week:
Don’t worry, gringos, Mexican nationals won’t steal your job since all these “nationals” do is “stoop labor.” Also, explains the friendly Mexican Consul, they are “braceros” and not “wetbacks.”
The 19-minute film Why Braceros? was produced around 1959 on behalf of the Council of California Growers.
The Journal of Murketing explains:
It aims to tell viewers about “the benefits of the bracero program,” The Field Guide to Sponsored Films explains, “originally initiated by the United States in 1942 to alleviate the World War II labor shortage.” This was a “guest worker” program that made it okay for Mexican labor to be brought in seasonally to work on cotton farms and other manual jobs (“stoop labor,” it’s called in the films).
Mas…‘Why Braceros?’ 1959 PR film says don’t be scared, it’s OK
Hola, it’s me, MR. POCHO, and I just opened The Pocho Store.
Place your order now for thongs, hats, shirts, sweats — all featuring my handsome head — at CafePress.com/thepochostore. But be sure order before The End of the World As We Know It — Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012 on December 21. We can’t guarantee delivery if there’s no world to deliver to!
Rage Against the Machine’s debut album turns 20 this week and their legacy is still shrouded in confusion and ignorance. Back in the day, the band stormed the mainstream scene with angry Chicano rock, only the mainstream never noticed the Chicano part.
Chicano rock? You mean Santana..?
What always strikes me about Rage is how little so many of their fans know about their music or message. Recent failed VP candidate Paul Ryan is the personification of that ignorance. He claimed that Rage is his favorite band. Rage’s guitarist, Tom Morello was outraged by this and replied that Ryan is part of the machine the band has been raging against the last 20 years.
Well, no shit! But how could Ryan be so confused…?
Mas…Rage Against the Machine is 20 but many fans are still clueless
In the wake of the Benghazi attacks, Sen. John McCain still has “many many” unanswered questions. Even after a private meeting with U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice and acting CIA Director Michael Morell, McCain’s thirst for knowledge remains unquenched.
Here are the pocho ocho things he still needs to know:
8. Where is this Ben Ghazi fellow?
7. Who is responsible for this pudding?
6. Why hasn’t Ronald Reagan called me back?
Mas…Pocho Ocho things Senator John McCain still needs to know
Haunting melodies, modern harmonies, righteous lyrics:
We came across the desert, we came across the sea; don’t forget that your abuelos were once immigrants like me.
IMMI wants you to know Immigrants are just regular peeps. IMMI is on Twitter.
(PNS reporting from PERU) Rosalin Llosa learned the hard way that absence doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder.
On a recent trip to her birthplace of Arequipa, Peru, Rosalin was reunited with her beloved childhood llama, Pepita. Though Rosalin raised the orphaned llama from infancy, the animal remained aloof to her presence.
“I thought she’d get all excited like in those YouTube videos,” Rosalin said, “but look at her just eating grass; she won’t even look up. Why won’t you look at me!? I LOVE YOU!”
Mas…Woman reunited with beloved childhood llama – llama indifferent
The best defense is good offense, pochos. Watch and learn!
If only these undocumented immigrants had seen the video before they got stopped in the middle of Oklahoma!
Mas…Gringo uses the old Christianity trick to get past the MIGRA (video)
It’s coming — the End of the World As We Know it is just three weeks away — December 21 [CHECK OUR EXCLUSIVE MAYAN APOCALYPSE DOOMSDAY 2012 COUNTDOWN TIMER IN THE RIGHT COLUMN AND SYNCHRONIZE YOUR DEVICES.]
From the video:
The sun has been totally erupting with massive solar flares, dude, because the Earth and Jupiter are no longer in alignment, causing the Sun to fall inward on itself because there is less gravity pulling the Sun out, dig? Have you formulated emergency plans? It will be interesting to see what happens in the next 24 hours!
In China, Lu Zhenghai has been reading up on the upcoming Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday and he is totally prepared with his bitchin’ new self-constructed ark.
Mas…Mayan Apocalypse, solar flares (video), Chinese man builds ‘ark’
Sen. John Kyl, a Republican (surprise surprise!) from the Hate State of Arizona, is pleased to announce his online dating site for the young, undocumented and desperate.
Marry a citizen, become a citizen!
It’s just that easy with the “quick path to citizenship” from PendejoMatch.com.
Try Pendejo Match for free for 30 days or your money back! Just looking for love? Our sister site MojadoMingle.com is the place for you. Or maybe GueyDate.net.
When Tijuana’s Nortec Collective played the Shanghai Expo a few years ago, do you think it was the Chinese city’s first electric techno tuba experience? Mad magic is waiting at the Borderland.
Caption this image and win POCHO stickers or something else cool we haven’t decided yet. Also, don’t be hating on us for the image — it’s courtesy St. Matthew’s in Auckland, NZ.
What’s going on here? Caption this image in the comments, below.
Mas…No news is good news? Caption this image, win a prize or something
Everyone in Politistan is talking about the upcoming “fiscal cliff,” but that’s not the only topographical terror in America’s future. Here’s our list of the Pocho Ocho problems ahead:
8. Gay Marriage Hump
7. Entitlement Mountain
6. Wall Street Falls
5. Corporate Gorge
Mas…Pocho Ocho topographical terrors ahead besides the ‘fiscal cliff’
Comedian Jose Barrientos‘s fake Mexican accent was so convincing he had his entire Speech 101 class fooled, except for this one blonde woman (she claimed later.) (NSFW audio.)
They got a serious ass-whupping and they know it, so Republican “moderates” are crafting a “Dream Act Lite” to try to bridge the gap with Latinos.
Here are their Pocho Ocho key provisions:
8. Replace old slogan “No wet backs, no wet dreams” with something more encouraging.
7. Military service need not be completed to achieve citizenship if you are killed in line of duty.
6. You dropped some “anchor babies”? Can you sing “In the Navy”? We thought you could.
Mas…Pocho Ocho key provisions of Republican ‘Dream Act Lite’
Going down! Brazil TV’s Programa Silvio Santos takes the old hidden-camera-in-the-elevator trick to the next level…THE NEXT LEVEL OF HELL!
A perro muerto mummified by the Mayans, they think, is ready for tests in Merrie Olde Englande. Estimated age for the kaput canine is 1000 years or so, and the pooch doesn’t look a day over 200!
And while we’re on the subject of pet videos from Europe, in Russia, if you’re a cat, dog fetch you!
In this video for POCHO U’s Gabacho Outreach Program (POCHO U, GOP!) I demonstrate the Chicano Handshake including a California version, a Texas version and a version with extra love. Why can’t we be friends?
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POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz was at the Hollywood Christmas Parade with his family Sunday night and spotted a special visitor striding the boulevard. He took these photos with his iPhone.
Here are bigger versions and two extra special celebrity photos — Gigantic Balloon Elmo and Black Pee Wee Herman:
Mas…Dead Man Walking! Jesus at Hollywood Christmas Parade (photos)
As long as the boss isn’t looking, today is the day when pochos all over America go holiday gift shopping on the Internets. If you’re not shopping at Lalo Alcaraz’s place, these Pocho Ocho gift tips (with links) will turn your Cyber Lunes from Mission Impossible to Cyber Espace Mission Accomplished:
8. Santa’s Helpers are cool, sure, but so last year! Nalgas Helpers are bringing sexy back (and backs) with their American-made line of butt thong bar stools. When the clear view is the rear view, click on over to order the furniture that will make your family room the “Best of Barrio” for 2012!
French band ZIC ZAZOU plays the greatest hit from Georges Bizet‘s 1875 opera Carmen — Habanera — with stuff that’s lying around the shop. Now, you may ask yourself, “Do some people just have too much time on their hands?” And we say, “You don’t have time, you make time.” [EDITOR’S NOTE: Tell your friends about this video! Suggested email: ‘ZOMG it’s like OPERA and it’s rilly cool! See there’s like these old French guys…'”]
They thought they had the whole thing planned — deliver the heroin and collect $100,000. But the best-laid plans of mice and men are often subject to the unpredictable pendejo effect.
