Twitter War! Iron Sheik says Jose Canseco ‘Worst Mexican of All Time’

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The Sheik dissed Canseco on Twitter
The Sheik plans to "humble" Canseco

(PNS reporting from DIXIE) Though the competition was stiffer than Ronald Reagan’s corpse, retired MLB douchebag and Twitter hack Jose Canseco has been declared the Worst Mexican of All Time by ex-professional wrestler The Iron Sheik.

Canseco has the “raisin balls” and is an embarrassment to all of Mexico, The Sheik told PNS.

The contest was too close to call by many Mexperts but after the votes were tallied, Canseco won the prestigious title hands down, beating out Geraldo Rivera, Tito Santana, Raffi Torres, Mel Gibson, O.J. Simpson and Mario Lopez.

When notified he did not win, Geraldo responded by weeping on Fox and Friends, remarking that he felt “manually raped” by the results.

Mas…Twitter War! Iron Sheik says Jose Canseco ‘Worst Mexican of All Time’

Hollywood Spaniards, Puerto Ricans plan ‘ultimate’ Chicano film

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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Following the warm reception to the upcoming César Chávez biopic, producers in Hollywood have mounted an international effort to produce the “most extensive Chicano film in history.”

The production not only features an all-star cast from the United States and Latin America but also includes both factual and fictitious events in Chicano history.

“The idea is to jam pack as much history, culture and entertainment into two hours of film so that young Chicanos don’t have to read any books to learn about who they are,” said  the project’s director, Pedro Almodóvar.

“In fact, if possible we are going to try to make the two hours into an hour-and-a-half, because our target audience has no attention span.”

Mas…Hollywood Spaniards, Puerto Ricans plan ‘ultimate’ Chicano film

Starbucks test-markets nopal, chile-flavored drinks in East Los Angeles

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(PNS reporting from BOYLE HEIGHTS) Starbucks Coffee starts test-marketing their new nopal, chile and mole-flavored coffee drinks exclusively in this East Los Angeles enclave today.

Staying true to their gentrified roots, Starbucks based the new varieties on past-the-expiration-date flavors from more upscale stores  — adding chemical food coloring for “eye appeal.”

Mas…Starbucks test-markets nopal, chile-flavored drinks in East Los Angeles

Opinion: We must fight the anti-Mayan Calendar Illuminati 1% (video)

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We might not know anything about them, but Anonymous knows almost everything about us, including stuff THE MAN doesn’t want YOU to know.

The modishly-masked online crusaders will soon shock our chakras with the truth about apocalyptic confluences predicted by the Mayan Calendar and aether-entities from outer espace. Predictably, the Mainstream Media New World Order 1% Wall Street Ivy League Illuminati White Elite is fighting back.

The recent Anonymous blipvert above, for example, was followed by UPenn (founded by life on Mars expert and immigrant hater Benjamin Franklin) joining the Illuminati conspiracy to discredit the Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012 scenario.

One group of chronology-challenged eschatologists even claimed that a recently-discovered calendar — which is older than the Doomsday Calendar — somehow makes the newer calendar wrong. Doh! Illogical!

Mas…Opinion: We must fight the anti-Mayan Calendar Illuminati 1% (video)

Ñewsweek: Chanclas, foreskins, gay political football, meaning of life

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“If the chancla flies, your mom is wise,” noted defense attorney Juan E. Cocran told the court, and we’ve got video to prove it.

The epic flying chanclas video topped the list of big estories on POCHO this week, but only just squeezed out the Mexclusive guest editorial by GOP nominee wannabe Mexican Mitt Romney, the latest chapter in the existential quest of Chuy and Smiley in Hey Vato! and very intimate advice from Dear Abuelita.

Here are the links:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Chanclas, foreskins, gay political football, meaning of life

Sabado Pochonte Video: ‘Zorro’s Fighting Legion, Flaming Z’

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Zorro’s Fighting Legion  is a 1939 Republic Pictures serial featuring Reed Hadley as Zorro. The plot revolves around Zorro’s alter-ego’s (Don Diego‘s) fight against the evil Don Del Oro, who wants to become Emperor of Mexico.

An occasional trope in this serial is the ritual death of at least one native informant, much like the death of a red-shirted Star Trek Away Team newbie. The direction was identical for each snitch’s demise, creating a source of unintentional humor: each one, upon uttering the phrase, “Don del Oro is…”, is shot by a golden arrow and dies before revealing the villain’s true identity.

Here’s Chapter 2, Flaming Z. (0:15 mins)

Mas…Sabado Pochonte Video: ‘Zorro’s Fighting Legion, Flaming Z’

Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do on Mother’s Day

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BRUNCH: Nothing makes for a mellow mom like the All You Can Drink Micheladas Mother’s Day Brunch at stylish Bar Racho at the Ritchie Valens Hilton on East Olmos Boulevard.

Executive Jefe Gustaco Naranjero once again promises his extensive buffet featuring a soft and hard taco station, the always-popular Holy Habanero salsa challenge and the spectacular Flan Fountain.

New this year is the Fusion Fiesta featuring creations like the Banh Mi Burrito, the Tamales de Lox and the Philly Cheesesteak Chimichangas. Don’t miss the free giveaway of the new mini Tapatio espray bottles for when you absolutely, positively need to spice stuff up.

Mas…Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do on Mother’s Day

Fired undocumented gardener sorry he ‘peed on Romney’s petunias’

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Gardener Berto Lopez trims a hedge in Beverly Hills

(PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Inspired by Mitt Romney’s apology for assaulting a long-haired commie prep school classmate, one of the undocumented gardeners Romney hired and then fired in 1996 has issued his own apology.

Berto Lopez, now working as a freelance arborist in Beverly Hills, regrets he once peed on the then-governor’s prized petunias.

“I did some rude things when I was younger,” he told PNS Thursday, “and if I hurt any of those plants, well then I am truly sorry.”

But Lopez denied the peeing and the firing were related. “I peed on the plants because Romney was a pendejo —  how you say — douchebag:”

Mas…Fired undocumented gardener sorry he ‘peed on Romney’s petunias’

The Coachella art scene, home made by The Date Farmers (video)

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East of Los Angeles via Interstate 10 lies the Coachella Valley, home of the desert oasis of Palm Springs, a famed music festival and acres of stately date palms.

On the wrong side of tracks, in the town of Coachella, there’s a group of Chicano artists who call themselves The Date Farmers. They make art out of love for themselves and their neighbors. This is their story. (Apologies to iOS users. KCET insists on using Flash.)

Mexican Mitt Romney: Obama is spiking the gay football

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AJUA!! I am Mexican Mitt Romney, and I am here to clear the record on the GAY MARRIAGE.

Contrary to reports by ABC News and Perez Hilton about Barack Obama being the first president to approve of same-sex marriage, I invented it, and now Barack Obama is hogging all the credit! If you ask me, Obama is spiking the gay football! That is wrong! Everyone knows gays play tennis and hacky sack.

Now the gays are all running around and shrieking like the end of an episode of Ru Paul’s Drag Race just because the PINCHE North Carolina DOUBLE NEGATIVE GAY MARRIAGE Proposition that won this week. HIJOLE! Such drama queens!

In North Carolina it just means that Jethro cannot marry Jethro, but he can marry HIS COUSIN ELLIE MAE! Ajua! That’s what I call FREEDOM!

Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney: Obama is spiking the gay football

Dear Abuelita: Foreskin and seven years ago, I’ve got man boobs

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Dear Abuelita,
I have still my cuero (foreskin) and I was wondering if I get circumcised will I feel better when I am inside a choncho or will I be wasting my ficha.
Signed, Extra Carne

Dear Extra Carne Carnal,
Some people dislike extra carnita on their flauta but a little foreskin can be fun during foreplay. I can’t tell you how many times I played peek-a-boo with uncut pee-pees. Now you see it – now you don’t. Now you see it – oh, the laughs we had.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Foreskin and seven years ago, I’ve got man boobs

Blonde Mexican dissident seeks asylum in Chinese restaurant

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Rubio "doesn't look Mexican" neighbors say
(PNS reporting from GUADALAJARA) Blonde Mexican dissident Pablo Rubio holed up in a Chinese restaurant here after eluding taunting neighbors who say he can’t be Mexican since he is fair-haired and light-skinned.

Rubio was spirited away from his home in a car trunk at noon yesterday by friends who convinced suspicious local gang members the getaway vehicle was sagging the trunk was filled with drogas, one source told PNS.

“Pablo went to the Che Xuan Panda restaurant because to them he looks Mexican,” she said. “We all look Mexican to them. Also the 75 pesos lunch special with soup and egg roll rocks.”

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo, Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

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Only 1 in 7 believe in impending Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012

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Only 15% will get a piece of Mayan Pie
Only 1 in 7 people has faced up to the fact that the world will end soon and maybe in December, according to a new poll released by Reuters.

“Whether they think it will come to an end through the hands of God, or a natural disaster or a political event, whatever the reason, one in seven thinks the end of the world is coming,” said Keren Gottfried, research manager at Ipsos Global Public Affairs which conducted the poll for Reuters.

“Perhaps it is because of the media attention coming from one interpretation of the Mayan prophecy that states the world ‘ends’ in our calendar year 2012,” Gottfried said.

Confused by the controversy? We need some disinformation and we need it now, and that’s why we turned to the Disinformation Company for this video.

Mas…Only 1 in 7 believe in impending Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012

PochoCast #4: Alcaraz/Madrigal ‘Cinco de Mayo fever jumps the shark’

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Listen to Los Dos Amigos -- they know a guy

POCHO’s Lalo Alcaraz, Jefe-in-Chief, and Al Madrigal, Migrant Editor, Skype truth to power in PochoCast Number Four.

The long-distance interlocutors are all about Cinco de Mayo fever, Mexican Mitt Romney, Gustavo Arellano,  Taco John’s,  SB1070, Obama, the Dream Act, Los Lobos, Latino USA, Taco USA, La Cucaracha, Ann Romney, Twitter, hate mail, the Politico blog, FU money, MEChA, the Walmart Mexico bribery scandal, and this guy Al knows.

Although the podcast is recommended listening for your morning commute, do not listen while shaving, frying bacon (naked or not) or inserting contact lenses due to danger of cuts, burns and/or pokes in the eye.  No warranty expressed or implied. Your mileage may vary. We don’t speak your crazy moon language.

Ñewsweek: MEChA makeover, French tribe in Puebla, MX, Hey Vato!

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Puebla cave paintings point to France

It’s so last century, the new generation of Chicano students say, and the hard-to-pronounce-and-explain name for venerable activist organization M.E.Ch.A has to change! POCHO covered the explosive debate and published your reader comments in this week’s biggest story.

And history came alive as anthropologists discovered a previously-lost tribe of Frenchman living in caves near the city of Puebla, MX. Are they a remnant of the troops sent by Napoleon III in 1862?

Keep on reading  — we’ve got the latest ñews on Cinco de Mayo, the Hey Vato! homies discuss the Raider’s Nation, Romney’s campaigning parrot and more:

Mas…Ñewsweek: MEChA makeover, French tribe in Puebla, MX, Hey Vato!

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