gop
Ñewsweek: Crip-walkin’, boner-stalkin’, white-talkin’ and Irish stuff
POCHO caught Olympic fever this week as the ñews from London captivated the Internets.
Who could ever forget the magic of Serena William’s Crip-walking victory dance, complemented by our astutely-curated contextualizing rich media augmentation — a C-walk video from España?
And when a bronze-winning American rower brandished a boner at the medal ceremony, only Jon Stewart and POCHO Migrant Editor Al Madrigal were men enough to get to the root of the problem, a story so popular that POCHO is #1 on Google when you search for “jon stewart olympic stiffy.”
*NOT ALL! MORE SAY!* Hey, white guy — the viral video for middle class male Caucasians who are sick and tired of all the damn attention being paid to women and minorities and gays — remains a World Wide Websation, and our scandalous Irish Broadcasting Authority Olympic NSFW video exposed for all of America the kind of coverage NBC was afraid to deliver.
Hella week, eh? Mira the links:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Crip-walkin’, boner-stalkin’, white-talkin’ and Irish stuff
BREAKING: Romney VP search reaches deep in the heart of Texas
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) BREAKING ÑEWS: Mitt Romney’s campaign “will neither confirm nor deny” that the GOP presidential candidate has chosen a running mate. The candidate’s vice presidential “short list” has long included Florida Sen. Marco Rubio and former governor Tim Pawlenty, but now campaign insiders are suggesting the search is over and Romney has chosen country music legend Randy Travis.
Once deemed George Bush Sr.’s favorite country music star, Travis has been actively campaigning for the slot for over a week, especially in Texas.
Mas…BREAKING: Romney VP search reaches deep in the heart of Texas
Remember ‘Obama Girl’? Check out ‘Romney Girl’! (music video)
She’s sweet, she’s sassy and she especially digs dudes with huge offshore holdings, if you know what I mean! Meet Romney Girl!
Pocho Ocho reasons Mitt Romney is hiding his tax returns
8. In 2001 he took a huge tax loss after a franchise scheme called Illegals Я Us failed.
7. In 2006 he sought medical reimbursement for malaria contracted after swimming in a giant pool of money.
6. In 2009 he claimed his Cayman Islands bank account as a dependent.
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Mitt Romney is hiding his tax returns
Mexican Mitt Romney’s Pocho Ocho picks for Vice Presidente
8. Mr. Clean: Although a white male, not a very diverse pick, Mr. Clean makes Mexican Mitt’s hair stand out even more when they stand next to each other.
7. Quaker Oats Quaker: Another white male, but this man’s religious values and the fact that he stands for America, makes him attractive to the Romney camp. It’s the right thing to do.
6. Uncle Ben: Fight fire with fire! Mexican Mitt says the best way to displace the first African-American president is to bring along a black chef! Isaac Hayes was not available.
Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney’s Pocho Ocho picks for Vice Presidente
Al Madrigal to Jon Stewart: Mexicans lack ‘culture of success’ (video)
POCHO Migrant Editor Al Madrigal reports on GOP nominee wannabe Mitt Romney’s trip to the Middle East and schools The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart on how Israel and America have God on their sides and how Mexico and the Palestinians don’t.
Mexican Mitt Romney: My Pocho Ocho top Tweets from England
Ann is having having trouble taking dictation (her Blackberries are on the wrong side of the estreet or something) so here are my personal Pocho Ocho Top Tweets from England for ustedes:
8. Mexican Mitt Romney: DAMN THERE’S A LOT OF MUSLIMS HERE
7. Mexican Mitt Romney: WE’RE GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS IN DRESSAGE, BEECHES
6. Mexican Mitt Romney: WHERE’S THE NEAREST CHICK-A-FILA?
Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney: My Pocho Ocho top Tweets from England
Dear Dr. Danilo Dinero: What should I do with this large cash settlement?
Dear Dr. Danilo Dinero:
I recently received a large cash settlement (six figures) after my Geo Metro was totalled at Melrose and La Cienega by Kim Kardashian’s shoe concierge.
After I pay off the remaining bills, I’ll have $100K in cash. What should I do with the money?
A Man Named Jed
Dear Jed:
Thank you for your over-written, obviously fake letter. Are you perchance referring to the Geo Metro with the new rims? Or am I just throwing in gratuitous links for SEO porpoises? (Whales, dolphins, sea lions, seals, baby seals.)
The real question is where do you, Mr. Nouveau Riche Jed, or whatever your name is, feel most comfortable on Dr. Dinero’s Pyramid of Risk and Reward.™
Can you handle the risk of losing everything or do you want safety even though it nets you less? In these tricky economic times, safety is the obvious choice. The riskier investments — higher on the pyramid — can pay off the most but they come with maximum probability of loss.
Mas…Dear Dr. Danilo Dinero: What should I do with this large cash settlement?
Ñewsweek: Lopez vs Arpaio, ‘Dark Knight’ toon and Comic-Con pics
It was the best of ñewsweeks, it was the worst of ñewsweeks. It was a week of wisdom, it was a week of foolishness.
- The Best: On HBO, George Lopez told Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio WTF he really thinks of him and the offended officer challenged the comic to a face-to-face discussion of the issues.
- The Worst: The Aurora shooting raised a bat signal for gun control.
We’ve got the uncensored Lopez/Arpaio videos, the Lalo Alcaraz ‘Dark Knight’ cartoon that went viral and Comic-Con photos you won’t see anywhere else.
But wait, there’s more!
Mas…Ñewsweek: Lopez vs Arpaio, ‘Dark Knight’ toon and Comic-Con pics
Mexclusive: Romney’s VP short list is now down to three names
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) Mitt Romney’s list of potential vice presidential running mates is now down to three finalists, campaign insiders report:
- Wei Chen, Chengdu, Sichuan, China
- Sadashiv Gupta, Mumbai, Maharashtra, India
- Ester Ramirez, San Antonio, San Miguel, El Salvador
All three offer various strengths to Romney.
Highly energetic Wei Chen is currently employed at the Foxconn plant in Chengdu, and makes iPads, although he has never seen the complete product.
“I wake up, go to work for 14 hours, then I go back home and go to bed, wake up and do it again,” says Chen, 25. “Being Mitt Romney’s running mate would be a welcome change to my schedule, and perhaps stifle my thoughts of suicide.”
Mas…Mexclusive: Romney’s VP short list is now down to three names
Shocking Rush Limbaugh claim! President Obama is ‘The Darkie Knight’
(PNS reporting from DITTOSTAN) Just a day after revealing that The Dark Knight Rises villain ‘Bane’ is actually Mitt Romney, Rush Limbaugh has uncovered even more insidious left-wing propaganda in the eagerly-anticipated film:
The movie, Limbaugh told his radio audience, is part of the Kenyan Socialist media conspiracy and President Obama is “The Darkie Knight.”
“Friends, I am sitting here today in the EIB studio and I have to tell you, I am really, really, realllllly high. Have you guys seen this movie, what’s it called? Yeah, The Dark Knight? Wow…just wow…folks, it’s a real liberal whammy, OK? Uncle Rushbo is giving it to you straight here – I’ve seen the darkie knight and his name is Obama. Hang on a second, folks, I have to play with myself again,” Limbaugh said during yesterday’s program.
Mas…Shocking Rush Limbaugh claim! President Obama is ‘The Darkie Knight’
Ñewsweek: Mexican Mitt, NAACP, Craig Romney, ’50 Shades of Brown’
GOP wannabe Mexican Mitt Romney tried his very best to appeal to the Colored People at their National Association’s annual convention; we’ve got the transcript.
And son Craig Romney tried his very best to appeal to Latinos in a Spanish-language ad for his dad. We translated the commercial for the Ingles-espeaking masses.
The publishing world looks to appeal to the hot and fiery soft-porn-loving Latina book-buying public with the upcoming Fifty Shades of Brown. Can Big Books, Inc. tie up the mujeres’ market?
These big POCHO stories topped the exciting reportage roster that broke the ñews this week and here are the links:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Mexican Mitt, NAACP, Craig Romney, ’50 Shades of Brown’
Craig Romney’s Spanish ad for dad now with English subtitles (video)
Craig Romney narrated a new Spanish-language advertisement for his dad, GOP nominee wannabe Mitt Romney. Here’s a version with English subtitles/captions for folks who don’t espeak Spanish.
Here’s our translation of an Spanish-language Craig Romney commercial from earlier this year:
Mas…Craig Romney’s Spanish ad for dad now with English subtitles (video)
Transcript: Mexican Mitt Romney’s speech to the NAACP
Mexican Mitt Romney just spoke to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People convention in Houston, TX and we have the transcript:
—BEGIN TRANSCRIPT—
Thank you, NAACP for the invitation to espeak here, and Bishop Graves for your introduction. Thanks also to President Ben Jealous and your weird last name.
Good mornings, black humans. I am Mexican Mitt Romney. I know it is crazy to speak to you here at the NAACP, but guatever.
I will not be the Presidente for only the East Coast, or the West Coast. I do not believe in your geographic gang rivalries. I want to be the Presidente for all the people, but mainly the rich people. I know you already have Black Reagan as your Presidente, but hear me out.
Tomorrow Vice President Joe Biden will speak before you, please do not let him drink a 40-ouncer before he comes onstage, just sayin’. I won’t let any special interests like black people get in the way, whoops, that’s from my GOP nomination speech.
Quinceañera GOP fundraiser planned for princess Ann Romney
(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Greater Los Angeles Hispanic Republicans (GLAHR) will host a fundraiser Sunday for the GOP nominee wannabe Mitt Romney — a gala named after his wife: Ann’s Quinceañera.
The campaign event, patterned on a Mexican girl’s coming of age celebration, will celebrate Ann Romney as quinceañera. Tickets are available from GLAHR for a $1,500 donation, while padrino sponsorships are available starting at $15,000.
“This is an opportunity for the Hispanic community to get to know Ann and Mitt, and for us to give Ann the quinceañera that she never had,” GLAHR president, Louis Barba — also padrino of the cake — told PNS.
Ann Romney already had her dress fitting at Memories Boutique in Santa Ana, CA. “Every girl wants to be a princess on her quince, and Ann, well, really is like an actual Mormon-American princess,” store owner Minerva Gallegos, la madrina del vestido, said in a phone interview.
Mas…Quinceañera GOP fundraiser planned for princess Ann Romney
Ñewsweek: SCOTUS, SB1070, AZ, Obamacare and Mexican Mitt
GOP nominee wannabe Mexican Mitt Romney led off the chorus of this week’s reactioneers after the SCOTUS decisions on SB1070 and Obamacare. “We need to implement Labambacare for all Hispanics pronto!” he wrote in a special guest editorial.
Some Arizonans like the SB1070 decision — we have their reactions — but Chicago Congressman Luis Gutierrez ripped the decision to shreds on the floor of the House of Representatives — and we have the video.
Lots of ñews this past week on POCHO; here are our top stories:
Mas…Ñewsweek: SCOTUS, SB1070, AZ, Obamacare and Mexican Mitt
Mexican Mitt Romney: Latinos need Labambacare, pronto!
This is a terrible day for illness and disease. Obamacare being upheld by those activist judges at the Supremes Court is making me sicker than the time I tried McDonald’s experimental “Birria Burger.”
Thank God it was Available for a Limited Time Only.
The Republican Party is the only party looking out for disease! Diseases are people, my friends. Especially Jan Brewer.
This ruling upholding Obamacare is wrong for Amercia, and really messes up my campaign for President. However, things are not terminal yet.
I vow on my Day Juan in office as Presidente Romney, to repeal Obamacare (AKA Romneycare) and replace it with Romneydoesntcare.
Romneydoesntcare is modeled on the health system we had before, which was, “rich people pay cash for healthcare, and everyone else can go pound pupusas.”
Brave right-wing bloggers expose Obummer’s ‘Operation Fork & Furious’
The fearless frackers at the dead Breitbart blog (screen capture, right) are all outraged about a so-called “security action” before the President’s speech last week at the NALEO conference:
Judging from Obama’s actions at this years National Association of Latino Elected Officials (NALEO) luncheon, Obama’s newest fear is Latinos with forks. Obama had the Secret Service confiscate all the dinner forks from the participants at the June 22 event held in Orlando, Florida.
Hats off, Breitbarfers! You discovered a new conspiracy where none existed before, and you didn’t have to use deceptively-edited video to make your fake-ass point.
Mas…Brave right-wing bloggers expose Obummer’s ‘Operation Fork & Furious’
Ñewsweek: Joe vs girl, Mitt vs you, Adidas steps in it, CT OKs MM
Arizona’s notorious Sheriff Joe Arpaio tried to save his flailing career with an arrest of a six-year-old cartel leader, GOP nominee wannabe Mitt Romney totally tripped over his tootsies again, the Nutmeg State joined the future for lonche with the approval of Medical Menudo (MM), Adidas stepped in it big time with their slavery-themed sneakers and Facebook gave everyone a new finger.
These POCHO stories broke the news this week. We’ve got the links and more:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Joe vs girl, Mitt vs you, Adidas steps in it, CT OKs MM
How Obama’s DREAM Act end run is ruining our democracy (video)
The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart goes to the tape to expose the shocking Obama plan to stop the deportation of innocent DREAMERs. It’s an Affront to Democracy, the Action of a Dictator and a Threat to Our American Way of Life.
Mitt Romney and Latinos: Something has gone wrong *UPDATED
Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz commented on this story for NBC Latino *UPDATED 6/22
The Mitt Romney presidential campaign, both online and offline, is the gang that can’t shoot straight.
From the Mitt Romney mobile app that spells “America” as “Amercia” to the RNC Latino outreach poll that Obama won, and the ignorant use of a stock photo of Asian kids as Latino kids, the Romney GOP Presidential campaign seems to be run by an Amish IT team.
On June 19, a tipster sent POCHO the url to www.mittromney.com/latinos, and when we typed it in, we got this simply hilarious clip art donkey 404 page. (Get it? the Democratic donkey indicates an error! Priceless.) along with the prescient message that pretty much sums up Mitt Romney’s and the Republicans predicament with Latinos, “SOMETHING SEEMS TO HAVE GONE WRONG.”
Refresh, Mitt, refresh.
……..
Sorry about the autoplay, pochos, and the pinche Flash video. That’s the way NBC rolls.
Republican ‘Latino outreach’ website confused by non-white kids
RNCLatinos.com, the Republican National Committee’s new Latino outreach website, is apparently a laboratory for developing new ways of screwing up Latino outreach.
Last week RNCLatinos hosted a Spanish-language poll asking “Has President Obama disillusioned you?” (the overwhelming response was “No”) and then they used a stock photo of Asian children at the top of their page.
The RNC blamed the error on outsourced web developers — rumored to be in either Bombay or Honduras — who misread the tags on the photo.
Outreach spokestaco Beltina Inchancla offered up this explanation:
It was an honest mistake. They thought the picture was labeled as featuring “Latino” children, but actually read, “Laotian.”
Mas…Republican ‘Latino outreach’ website confused by non-white kids
Got CLAP? (Press release: Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity)
[FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE JUNE 1, 2012] C.L.A.P. (Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity) is holding its Annual Membership Drive throughout the month of June.
C.L.A.P., founded in 1912, is the oldest conservative Latino organization in the nation. For 100 years, we’ve worked tirelessly to return the country to core conservative principles.
These are our guiding principles:
Pillar 1: Immigration
Fact: Rare baseball cards, comics, and stamps increase in value the scarcer they become. With over 50 million Latinos in the U.S., our value to this country has become more and more diluted . As a result, C.L.A.P. aims to deport all Latinos (regardless of residency status) until four or five very valuable Latinos remain. There is power in numbers – very, very small numbers.
Mas…Got CLAP? (Press release: Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity)
Mitt Romney’s ‘Deprimente’ (depressing) TV ad with English subtitles
(PNS reporting from SALT LAKE CITY) As Mitt Romney works to grow support before the GOP convention, his campaign has reached out to Spanish-speaking voters with a new ad, Deprimente (depressing). POCHO translated the commercial for voters who don’t habla Español.
Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court. Don’t ask us, we just work here.
Florida voter fraud crackdown finally snares a live one
(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Even as the U.S. Department of Justice seeks to shut down Florida’s effort to disenfranchise voters, state officials are overjoyed that their purge of voter role has finally nabbed a real fraud, even if their case is a dog.
Much to the relief of Republican witch-hunters who were under fire for challenging the eligibility to vote of war veterans, grandmothers and local heroes, a French Bulldog puppy named Mr. ChaCha was charged on Tuesday for voting fraudulently in a local Miami election last year.
The eight-month-old pup snuck into a neighborhood high school, sniffed the ballot and then pulled the lever for Hammad Jose de Marx, the Green Party candidate for Dade County Residential Service Officer, according to poll watchers. “Though Mr. ChaCha’s motives are unclear, one fact is clear: Voter fraud is real,” an election board spokesman said.
Mexican Mitt Romney: ¡I AM THE LAST JUAN STANDING!
AJUA! You didn’t think I could do it. You doubted me. You said, “Oh no, Mexican Mitt, you cannot be the Republican nominee! They hate you so! They would never EVER let such a VIRILE, MACHO HOMBRE become the REPUBLICAN NOMINEE!” By virile and macho hombre, you must mean that a Mormon could never win the GOP nomination.
But you were WRONG. Last night, I finally got the required 1,144 delegates for the Republican nomination by winning Texas, the lone state to vote this week. Like I always said, “ALL MY VIEJAS LIVE IN TEJAS!” And I received a full 90% of my viejas’ votes. (I’ll have a word with you later, Margarita.)
Romney’s new Spanish TV ad now available with English subtitles
(PNS reporting from GUACHINGON) As the Mitt Romney works to grow support before the GOP convention, his campaign has reached out to Spanish-espeaking voters with a new ad, Dia Uno. POCHO translated the commercial for voters who don’t habla Español.
Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court. Don’t ask us, we just work here.
Mitt Romney: I’m proud to announce my new bank, JP Mormon
Barack Hussein Obama’s biggest donors and best crony capitalist friends at JP Morgan Chase recently lost over two billion dollars in risky trades.
Instead of wailing about this so-called “Wall Street reform” nonsense, I have decided to open my own bank and mega Wall Street trading firm: JP Mormon.
At JP Mormon, we promise to keep your money away from the risky trades of Wall Street and in safe, secure island strongholds.
We will also store your hard-earned trust fund payments in secret European locations, places where Michele Bachman once held dual citizenship.
Mas…Mitt Romney: I’m proud to announce my new bank, JP Mormon