Dear President Donald Trump:
Now that you’ve become our new emperor, I mean, the 45th President of the United States, I have a confession: I’m an “anchor baby.” Given that you represent the best white hope to “Make America Great Again!” I’m confessing in exchange to be pardoned for my birthright citizenship crime.
Honestly, I didn’t know that being born to Mexican immigrants on work visas violated the law or that pesky little thing called the 14th Amendment of the Constitution. If I would’ve known of your novel interpretation of our Constitution, I mean your Constitution, I would’ve pleaded in my mother’s womb to be aborted.
Oh, I forgot, Republicans don’t believe in abortions. Does the GOP make exceptions for brown fetuses?
You crack down on their assets.
You cut off their oil and drill, baby, drill for our own.
We don’t retreat. We reload against any foe daring to test us.
And that is what Iran just did.
So, Congress, you got to kill the deal. The president is playing you. He so disrespects you, Congress, and our Constitution, that he won’t even bring you the treaty.
Luchador El Hijo del Fantasma says he and wrestling partner Vladimir Putin would beat President Obama and Mexican Presidente Enrique Peña Nieto in a tag team match.
Los Cenzontles (The Mockingbirds) sing The Dreamer, composed by Eugene Rodriguez and Jackson Browne, in a just-released video by Emiliano Rodriguez. [Click on CC for English/Spanish captions.]
PREVIOUSLY ON LOS CENZONTLES:
Towards the end of the 20th Century, Natalia Mendez and Antonio Saavedra left their home, family and country behind to cross without papers into the U.S. Now they run a popular Oaxacan restaurant in the South Bronx, La Morada.
This is exactly the hard-working law-abiding, job-creating kind of family President Obama’s executive actions were designed to protect, but recent court decisions make their future uncertain. What can a poor pocho do?
La Morada has 4.5 stars on Yelp. See you there for dinner? We’ll be the ones scarfin’ down the mole!
This process was a long one. At first it was about me saying fuck your DACA. Then finding out ways to help my sister pay for hers. Then having my dad call me out on my bullshit because he could have benefited from one. Then me trying to get a green card instead. Then that not following thru cos shit happens. Then trying to get my shit together. Then finding out that my parents could potentially benefit. Then finding out that they didn’t. This thing right here. This thing that wasn’t given to us. This piece of document that many fought thru sleepless nights and courageous actions. This thing right here. Love you mom. Love you dad. Love you sister. Peace.
PREVIOUSLY ON JULIO SALGADO:
Here are the Pocho Ocho top reasons Obama’s SOTU gave us a sad:
8. Still no federal funding for Flying Trocas research.
7. Didn’t announce plan to make Ted Cruz first U.S. ambassador to Cuba.
6. No tax cuts for tamale entrepreneurs, thus no Pedro Herrera III in the audience to give a shout out to.
We asked around town, and our peeps say these are the top eight to watch for:
8. First use of the Booger-Cam™ captures candid live video of bored Republicans
7. Warmup act Oprah Winfrey to Congress: “You get a drone…and you get a drone. Everybody gets a drone!”
6. Obama cruises to the Capitol in a clean 1953 Packard limousine, a gift from the people of Cuba
When a student has trouble writing a school paper on Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., the slain civil rights leader returns from the dead to help him out.