Pocho Ñews Service

Most friends don’t even know his real name, which is Ken

(PNS reporting from BELÉN, COSTA RICA) A local Costa Rican man born to Taiwanese immigrants is threatening to pack up and move to Taiwan though he’s never actually been there before.

Ken Chu, 28, who was born in Belén to Taiwanese immigrants, says his reasons for wanting to leave are simple.

“I’ve been known as Chino my entire life,” Chu said in a press conference at the Taiwan donated Puente de la Amistad in Guanacaste. “My friends, everyone I work with, my teachers at school, even Guachimen. Everyone calls me Chino. I’m not Chinese! I’m Tico!” [Mas…]

(PNS reporting from the EEUU) Tex-Mex restaurants across the country are banding together this week to ensure the flawed traditions of margaritas, sombreros, maracas, bastardized Mexican food and overall cultural cluelessness are again propagated upon masses of uninformed Americans this Cinco De Mayo. [Mas…]

(PNS reporting from LATIN AMERICA) Millions of Latin Americans are on vacation this week to celebrate Semana Santa, a festival to commemorate the desecration of the region’s native cultures and the Spaniards’ forceful imposition of Catholicism through celestial acts such as rape, pillage and genocide.

Holy Week, where children are off school and adults binge drink, gives Latin Americans time to reflect upon Jesus Christ’s selfless sacrifice for humanity, despite the fact that 500 years earlier no one on this side of the world had heard of him and worshiped far cooler Gods of the sun, rain and maize. Catholic cathedrals across the region are certain to be packed with Aztec, Mayan and Inca descendants, all to give thanks and praise to a merciful God coerced into their societies by armed, greed-fueled colonialists spreading the heavenly message of El Espíritu Santo. [Mas…]

eslGringo instructor adamant class loves him

(PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) A business English language class at Intel, Inc. unanimously agreed in a recent questionnaire that teacher Bryan McNutt’s two strongest abilities are being a painfully oblivious gringo and poor wardrobe choices.

The group of six, who requested their names be withheld, filled out the survey about their teacher after complaints were filed about the quality of classes he was providing. A big part of the problem, one student explained, was McNutt’s sartorial choices.

“Every five seconds he’s grabbing his Ropa Americana and pants so they don’t fall down,” one student said. “Is it school policy for every teacher to look like a poorly-dressed Mormon missionary?” [Mas…]


(PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) Eruptions from the Turrialba Volcano continued Thursday, spewing even more ash into the air.

The explosions are the most recent in the increasingly violent activity from the volcano. Scientists are warning that if preventative measures are not taken soon, the entire central valley will become covered by pigpen-levels of ash. [Mas…]

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itza

Company claims indigenous communities lived on maiz, tortillas and McRibs

(PNS reporting from CHICHEN ITZA) In a fresh effort by McDonald’s to prove that “tamales are a thing of the past,” the U.S. food chain has opened locations at famed Aztec and Mayan sites of Teotihuacan and Chichen Itza, with plans to expand to Guatemala’s Tikal and Peru’s Machu Picchu, according to a spokesperson. [Mas…]

Facebook to change Latin American URL to ElFahhhhhce.com

by Pejibaye Staff March 30, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from MENLO PARK, SILICON VALLEY) In a push to make the world’s most popular social media network region-friendly, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced today that the Latin American URL for the company’s website will be changed to ElFahhhhhce.com, a decision celebrated by the 400 million users south of the U.S. border.

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Cold war chills Rio Grande Valley town as raspa rebellion heats up

by THE VALLEY LEMON July 18, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from EDINBURG, TX) Eddie’s Raspas, the sunny yellow shack out on Sprague, used to be the place to be on a scorching Valley afternoon. “People would come from all around and say, ‘Eddie, which of your five delicious flavors shall I have today?’” Eddie Cardenas recalled fondly. “It was great.” Until six weeks […]

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Breaking: Drugs disappear from Texas after El Chapo’s arrest

by THE VALLEY LEMON March 5, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from McALLEN, TX) Police departments throughout the Rio Grande Valley delivered pink slips en masse this week following news that Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán had been captured by Mexican authorities in the resort town of Mazatlan. “It’s kind of a mixed bag for us,” Hidalgo County Sheriff Lupe Treviño said. “On the one […]

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U.S. Supreme Court votes 5-4 to change that thing, irregardless

by Pocho Ñews Service January 16, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The United States Supreme Court has voted 5-4 to change that appeal thing some lower courts were dealing with earlier (you know, back and forth and shit?) no matter que chingados the people think. POCHO will share more details as the situation develops here in Our Nation’s Capital.

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Pocho Ocho ways to prepare for Hispanic Heritage Month

by Pocho Ñews Service September 4, 2013 Cultura
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Hispanics across the United Estates are giddy with excitement as they prepare to observe Hispanic Heritage Month 2013, which starts in 10 days. But with so much excitement, it’s easy to forget the fundamentals of this Federally-established fiesta. ¡Mira! A checklist! Here are the Pocho Ocho ways to prepare for Hispanic Heritage Month: 8. Reset […]

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Breaking: New stamp honors Hispanic Heritage Month

by Pocho Ñews Service September 3, 2013 Cartoons
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) The U.S. Postal Service has released a new stamp to mark Hispanic Heritage Month 2013, which begins September 15. The El Borracho stamp kicks off the Hispanic Male series, the brainchild of Joe Sendembach, who left the Border Patrol to join the USPS as an artist and rose to Director of […]

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Unfunny ‘Latino’ sitcom debuts Sunday, people will watch anyhow

by Pocho Ñews Service July 31, 2013 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Newcomer John Gomez stars as The John Gomez Show premieres Sunday night, the latest sitcom starring a Latino that is destined to join the long line of Latino TV shows that suck. John and his sweet, sexy wife Lisa are a happily-married couple with two children. Daughter Rosie is just turning […]

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PNS*Hot*Flash: Pope resigns, cites ‘boy shortage’ at Vatican

by Pocho Ñews Service February 11, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from London) This just in: Controversial Pope Benedict XVI has resigned from the papacy making him the first pope to abdicate in over 600 years.  His resignation coincidentally coincides with the first real investigation of Vatican child sex abuse in over 600 years. Benedict, the pope formerly known as Cardinal Ratzinger, will retire […]

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Heya morons! Click HERE for Obama immigration speech transcript

by Pocho Ñews Service January 29, 2013 El Now
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We know some of you are morons or racists or both. Different strokes, meng, different strokes. It’s cool. Here’s a transcript of the speech on immigration that Bronco Bama just delivered in Las Vegas, translated into easy-to-understand Moron. Just for you! (APPLAUSE) Dank you. It is good t’ be back in Las Begas. And it […]

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PNS*Hot*Flash: Harvard MEChist@s pluck ban because Calderón

by Pocho Ñews Service January 18, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from BOSTON) This just in: Women of Harvard University’s MEChA collective have vowed they will not pluck their eyebrows until school officials revoke the fellowship of former Mexican President Felipe Calderón at the John F. Kennedy School of Government. More MEChA news here. POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., […]

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Mexclusive: Draft of Mexican Mitt Romney’s speech to RNC leaked

by Pocho Ñews Service August 30, 2012 El Now
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A version of Mexican Mitt Romney’s RNC speech for tonight in Tampa has been leaked, and we have it mexclusively for you. MEXICAN MITT ROMNEY RNC ESPEECH 8/30/12 ———— ENTER ON WHITE HORSE (because Rafalca will trip) (NOTE: If anyone throws peanuts, Chris Christie will not let those go to waste) (REMEMBER to adjust sombrero, […]

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BREAKING: Romney VP search reaches deep in the heart of Texas

by Pocho Ñews Service August 10, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) BREAKING ÑEWS: Mitt Romney’s campaign “will neither confirm nor deny” that the GOP presidential candidate has chosen a running mate. The candidate’s vice presidential “short list” has long included Florida Sen. Marco Rubio and former governor Tim Pawlenty, but now campaign insiders are suggesting the search is over and Romney has chosen […]

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Uncle Sam setting up concentration camps for white males

by Pocho Ñews Service August 10, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from OAK CREEK, WI) Following the second mass shooting by a white male in just a few weeks, Federal authorities will soon start building and outfitting concentration camps for young, white men racially profiled as potential domestic terrorists. The last time concentration camps were mandated in the U.S. was during World War II […]

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Desperate Texas Democrats vote to secede from union

by Pocho Ñews Service May 30, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from TEJAS) The votes have finally been counted and it looks like Democrats in Texas voted overwhelmingly yesterday to secede from the United States of America “Texas Democrats are tired of Gov. Rick Perry’s partisan politics and of a Republican legislature that seems hell-bent on destroying the rights of hardworking Texans,” said state Democratic […]

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Romney’s new Spanish TV ad now available with English subtitles

by Pocho Ñews Service May 21, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from GUACHINGON) As the Mitt Romney works to grow support before the GOP convention, his campaign has reached out to Spanish-espeaking voters with a new ad, Dia Uno. POCHO translated the commercial for voters who don’t habla Español. Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo Inc., a California corporation, who […]

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Hollywood Spaniards, Puerto Ricans plan ‘ultimate’ Chicano film

by CISCO YBERRA May 15, 2012 Cultura
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  (PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Following the warm reception to the upcoming César Chávez biopic, producers in Hollywood have mounted an international effort to produce the “most extensive Chicano film in history.” The production not only features an all-star cast from the United States and Latin America but also includes both factual and fictitious events in […]

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Bolivia puts Mother Earth over God, dooms country to Hell

by Pocho Ñews Service January 4, 2012 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from BOLIVIA) Undoubtedly weakened by defending herself from deranged Islamo-fascists seeking to nestle in her naïve, hot-blooded bosom, Latin America has fallen victim to an even more dangerous attacker: The Green Dragon of Environmentalism. Bolivia is slated pass unprecedented legislation that would grant the planet the same rights as human beings. The environment […]

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