It was the first of days, it was the last of days, it was Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012, The End of the World As We Know It. Or was it?
The beginning of the end, the middle of the end and the end itself dominated the ñews on POCHO this week.
Here are the week’s top stories:
It’s bad enough if you have to come into work on a Saturday, and even worse when it’s the day after the Mayan Apocalypse! (Totally NSFW.)
POCHO’s web server crashed — along with the Mayan Calendar — at midnight Friday when our Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday Countdown Clock (since disabled) shut down at 00:00:00. If you stopped by after midnight — we rebooted at 7:30 AM — here’s what you saw and heard.
Can you help POCHO upgrade our infrastructure?
Mas…POCHO web server crashes as Doomsday Clock hits 00:00:00
Pancho Claus? He’s Santa’s cousin from south of the border! Long before he recorded novelty tunes, Lalo Guerrero was a star. Some call him the Father of Chicano music.
Mas…Merry Christmas from ‘Pancho Claus’ and Lalo Guerrero (videos)
Email from astronomer and Venezuelan native Ricardo Salamé Páez details today’s schedule for the Mayan Apocalypse:
06:30 – Apertura del Fin
07:00 – Lluvia de meteoritos
08:30 – Llegada del primer tsunami
10:00 – Bienvenida de los ovnis
10:30 – flashmob baile de ovnis al estilo de Gangnam
… 11:36 – Comienzo de la Destrucción (sub.)
12:00 – Eclipse y la alineación de todos los planetas del sistema solar
12:00-14:00 – ALMUERZO
Mas…Breaking: Venezuelan astronomer reveals Mayan Apocalypse schedule
Rancho Pocho and surrounding communities will be alive with excitement tonight as everyone awaits the End of the World As We Know It at midnight local time. Don’t stay at home — party hardy or die Mayan!
Here’s what’s going on around town:
• FOR THE GENTS: In the Rancho Pocho Downtown Historic District, Club Rico for Gentlemen is offering no cover admission to a special presentation by the North Pole Dancers, the chillest elvettes to ever stuff a thong. Dressed as Santa? All lap dances are 50% off! Prices good until midnight, of course.
• FOR THE LADIES: Don’t be fat at the end of the world — burn fat at the Grand Opening of the new Spin ‘N’ Thin Spa located where the Gun ‘N’ Run sporting goods store used to be on Miramar in Pocho Hills. Burn, baby, burn with “all you can spin” classes at two-for-one prices. Bring your BFF and spin till you barf at one low price. It’s never too spin to be thin! Special available until midnight.
Mas…Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do for the Mayan Apocalypse
Based on the POCHO story “The Talking Dead: No Habla Zombie” by S.J. Rivera.
The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas. Except, of course, when Gov. Rick Perry (photo, right) is involved.
The one-time GOP nominee wannabe Perry is so underwhelming that when he walks into a room, it seems as if someone just left.
Rick Perry is so stupid he peels M&M’s to make chocolate chip cookies. Rick Perry is so stupid he went to the dentist for Bluetooth. Rick Perry is so stupid he forgot his own talking points in a Republican presidential debate.
Think about it: Republican voters in the primaries liked Rick Perry even LESS than Mitt Romney.
But enough about Rick Perry. What about MY needs?
Mas…Year in Review: The lonely, fading star of Texas Gov. Rick Perry
Oh sure, the MTV spot looks like your average Lame Stream Media pandering Christmas-related promo — until you look a little bit closer. Then you see that it’s really a commercial for the Devil!
Like many people, I’ve spent these past few days reflecting on what’s wrong. What the hell is going on? People are expressing so-called shock and awe at the recent violence in Connecticut but no one has any answers. Some would call it soul-searching, others grasping for straws. Others still are trying to squeeze as much blood from this stone as they can before it passes into obscurity, which it eventually will…
One thing that I know for sure is that the violence epidemic in the United States of America is not attributed to any one thing. We have been on this road for a long time now and anyone shocked by the fruit that the blood-soaked soil has produced has not been paying attention. Welcome to the culture of death.
Many visual artists have united for today’s Artstrike #nomorecuts Day of Action. I was invited to contribute a piece that pushes back against the rhetoric of the so-called “Fiscal Cliff,” a construct that seems to be a set up to slash needed social service budgets. We’ve created art to fight budget cuts that impact the poor and middle class and to demand the wealthy pay their fair share of taxes.
From the site:
Mas…Artstrike #nomorecuts: Artists fight budget cuts, demand fair taxes
Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul, with a corn cob pipe and a button nose, and two eyes made of coal. This Providence, RI snowman ain’t Frosty, who never ate a freakin’ felafel his whole life. True fact. (NSFW audio.)
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine.
I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty Black Ops II and an iPhone 5 for Christmas.
I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them.
Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting.
Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat.
Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
There he is at the office, in his cube, in his suit, with the numbers, the straight-ahead business. At night he’s a player, a Facebook Gangsta. (NSFW lyrics.)
Don’t scoff. Don’t laugh. The Mayan Apocalypse End of The World As We Know It is December 21. [SYNCHRONIZE YOUR CHRONOMETERS WITH OUR COUNTDOWN CLOCK IN THE RIGHT COLUMN.] Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard knows what the real deal is, and she says goodbye to her all her Ozzie mates in this video from December 5, which just floated into POCHO headquarters from the Juander Down Under.
(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDITA) Arturo Marengo has discovered the secret to youth, longevity, perfect health and fitness, again.
After spending last Wednesday on WebonMD trying to diagnose the dull ache in his left index finger, Marengo stumbled across an ad for Nopalea Cactus Juice and Health Supplement.
Though in his mid 30s, Marengo, a performance artist/travel agent/dog walker, suffers from multiple health issues including a sharp pain in his knee, a strange tingle behind his right ear, a constant cramp in left big toe, and a burning feeling in his left eye (Marengo suspects the eye burning is related to his toe cramp).
Mas…Hypochondriac uncle discovers amazing Internet cure — cactus juice
Hermosa Beach homies Pennywise are not very happy with Christmas. As the band sings in this poignant ballad, it might as well be Christmas in Hell.
It’s hard to imagine a time when clever satirists like Stan Freberg were regularly on the radio, but there he was, in 1958, with this epic Green Chri$tma$ bit. Santa doesn’t shoot cigarette commercials anymore, but everything else is pretty much right on. This is a fan video utilizing the original vinyl.
 |
 |
We tried to pick just one Top Pendejo of 2012 but we ended up with two, both from the Hate State of Arizona: Gov. Jan Brewja and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio.
The witchy woman has taken every opportunity to lie, defame, harass and impede President Obama, Mexican-American Arizonans, a woman’s right to choose, Dreamers’ rights, students’ education, a minimum level of health care for constituents, and, to keep things current, she has an A+ Rating from the NRA merchants of death.
Pigasus Joe, who only missed being thrown out of office by a slim margin in the recent Maricopa County elections, just made headlines again by vowing to parade female DUI convicts in public chain gangs. His racist enforcement of the remaining provisions of AZ SB1070 has made him particularly abhorrent to those who fight for equality and justice.
So these two pendejos will share the ignominy of our Top Pendejos of 2012 award, and here are the reasons why:
Mas…Top Pendejos of 2012: AZ’s Gov. Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio
Denial is not only a river in Egypt but also an official policy of the Chinese Communist Party as the police state’s police arrested dozens for trying to warn the captive population about the Mayan Apocalypse Friday. [Be sure to synchronize your chronometers for The End of the World As We Know It with the OFFICIAL POCHO MAYAN DOOMSDAY countdown clock in the right column of this page.]
These brave “counter-revolutionaries” and “enemies of the people” are behind bars because they dared to tell to truth to billions of clueless Chinos.
Mas…China busts Mayan Apocalypse rumor spreaders, ex-USSR in panic mode
The tragic death of Long Beach homegirl Jenni Rivera and the school massacre in Newtown, MA inspired two editorial cartoons from POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz this week. And then there was the guy who emailed some Photoshop experts asking for helping removing the Mexicans from his snapshot of Disneyland.
These are the stories that broke the ñews this week on POCHO:
César Gamiño stars as The Violinist. When a charming, world-famous concert violinist comes to town for a concert series, a horny, lonely supermarket bag boy attempts to impersonate him in an attempt to improve his love life. (NSFW adult humor.)
Today the names Smaug and Thorin Oakenshield will enter American pop culture. Dwarves rambling on a reconquista while Gollum plays riddles will reach a new audience because Peter Jackson filmed the nerd classic, The Hobbit — prequel to Lord of the Rings.
Film has more impact than the written word in today’s society and this version will reach a greater number of people than J.R.R. Tolkien’s book ever will. I am overjoyed that this classic will reach a greater number of gente, but I am filled with sadness that a child’s first encounter with The Hobbit will be in a loud theater instead of a quiet library.
Regardless, I look forward seeing my mental images from the book acted out in the big screen. And remembering the hours reading the book, which played a monumental role in my becoming Eres Nerd.
Mas…When ‘The Hobbit’ took back Aztlán: A Latino nerd reads Tolkien
One of the great things about the Interwebs is that you can literally look up almost anything you want. That’s great right? You’d think with that kind of power there would be no stupid people but that’s just not the case. Instead, we have more stupid people now than any point in history. How do I know this? I’m on Twitter a lot.
So, the other day on Twitter, a friend of mine (we’ll call him Jose) started posting about the classic breakdancing film Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. I hadn’t thought about that film in years and he ended up posting a link to the entire film. For the life of me, I could not stop watching it. For one thing, it’s like a nasty car wreck that you just have to look at and like some sorry rubbernecker, I ended up watching the whole thing.
Mas…Everything you need to know about ‘Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo’
Here’s maybe the most famous scene from K. Gordon Murray’s English dub of the low-budget live-action Mexican classic Santa Claus. In this scene, which has given kids nightmares for years, Lupita’s dreams are interrupted by the Devil. Santa is able to see it (from his cloud in outer space) thanks to the dream-scope, created by Merlin the Magician.
This trailer is for a 2007 MST3K-style parody version:
Mas…From Mexican ‘Santa Claus’ (1959): Lupita’s Devil Dream (video)
Really, you want to do the right thing. Love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek, if it’s yellow let it mellow.
Enticing noises. Hypnotic lights.
All your life you’ve been thinking about the Mothership and the Space Brothers and ZOMG here they are in your backyard! What do you do? You do the Christian thing and invite them in for cuppa tea, of course. And what the frack do the aliens do? Hint: It involves babies and microwaves. (Based on a true story. Simulated gore may sicken people who are sickened by that kind of stuff.)
Apocalyptic manifestations are occurring at accelerating rates and spreading all across the country as we approach The End of the World as We Know it on December 21. [SYNCHRONIZE YOUR DEVICES WITH POCHO’S MAYAN APOCALYPSE DOOMSDAY COUNTDOWN CLOCK IN THE RIGHT COLUMN.]
Close to our headquarters in Rancho Pocho, CA, municipal officials just installed a Spanish-speaking hottie robot-like being to offer greets to peeps at Long Beach Airport.
Mas…Spanish-speaking ‘holobot’ greets you at Long Beach Airport (video)
Photographer Dan Cooke AKA The Steel Shark was Santa on the Spot at Los Angeles 2012 SantaCon Saturday.
Check out these cool shots:
