COMIC SAENZ

Comic Saenz is the font name of Dennis Wilen, POCHO's Jefe-de-Content.

Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do for the Mayan Apocalypse

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Rancho Pocho and surrounding communities will be alive with excitement tonight as everyone awaits the End of the World As We Know It at midnight local time. Don’t stay at home — party hardy or die Mayan!

Here’s what’s going on around town:

• FOR THE GENTS: In the Rancho Pocho Downtown Historic District, Club Rico for Gentlemen is offering no cover admission to a special presentation by the North Pole Dancers, the chillest elvettes to ever stuff a thong. Dressed as Santa? All lap dances are 50% off!  Prices good until midnight, of course.

• FOR THE LADIES: Don’t be fat at the end of the world — burn fat at the Grand Opening of the new Spin ‘N’ Thin Spa located where the Gun ‘N’ Run sporting goods store used to be on Miramar in Pocho Hills. Burn, baby, burn with “all you can spin” classes at two-for-one prices. Bring your BFF and spin till you barf at one low price. It’s never too spin to be thin! Special available until midnight.

Mas…Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do for the Mayan Apocalypse

Year in Review: The lonely, fading star of Texas Gov. Rick Perry

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The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas. Except, of course, when Gov. Rick Perry (photo, right) is involved.

The one-time GOP nominee wannabe Perry is so underwhelming that when he walks into a room, it seems as if someone just left.

Rick Perry is so stupid he peels M&M’s to make chocolate chip cookies. Rick Perry is so stupid he went to the dentist for Bluetooth. Rick Perry is so stupid he forgot his own talking points in a Republican presidential debate.

Think about it: Republican voters in the primaries liked Rick Perry even LESS than Mitt Romney.

But enough about Rick Perry. What about MY needs?

Mas…Year in Review: The lonely, fading star of Texas Gov. Rick Perry

A letter to Santa Claus, 2012 style

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Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine.

I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty Black Ops II and an iPhone 5 for Christmas.

I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them.

Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting.

Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat.

Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mas…A letter to Santa Claus, 2012 style

Top Pendejos of 2012: AZ’s Gov. Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio

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We tried to pick just one Top Pendejo of 2012 but we ended up with two, both from the Hate State of Arizona: Gov. Jan Brewja and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

The witchy woman has taken every opportunity to lie, defame, harass and impede President Obama, Mexican-American Arizonans, a woman’s right to choose, Dreamers’ rights, students’ education, a minimum level of health care for constituents, and, to keep things current, she has an A+ Rating from the NRA merchants of death.

Pigasus Joe, who only missed being thrown out of office by a slim margin in the recent Maricopa County elections, just made headlines again by vowing to parade female DUI convicts in public chain gangs. His racist enforcement of the remaining provisions of AZ SB1070 has made him particularly abhorrent to those who fight for equality and justice.

So these two pendejos will share the ignominy of our Top Pendejos of 2012 award, and here are the reasons why:

Mas…Top Pendejos of 2012: AZ’s Gov. Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio

China busts Mayan Apocalypse rumor spreaders, ex-USSR in panic mode

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Denial is not only a river in Egypt but also an official policy of the Chinese Communist Party as the police state’s police arrested dozens for trying to warn the captive population about the Mayan Apocalypse Friday. [Be sure to synchronize your chronometers for The End of the World As We Know It with the OFFICIAL POCHO MAYAN DOOMSDAY countdown clock in the right column of this page.]

These brave “counter-revolutionaries” and “enemies of the people” are behind bars because they dared to tell to truth to billions of clueless Chinos.

Mas…China busts Mayan Apocalypse rumor spreaders, ex-USSR in panic mode

Ñewsweek: Jenni Rivera RIP, Disneyland LOL, 12-14-12 :(

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The tragic death of Long Beach homegirl Jenni Rivera and the school massacre in Newtown, MA inspired two editorial cartoons from POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz this week. And then there was the guy who emailed some Photoshop experts asking for helping removing the Mexicans from his snapshot of Disneyland.

These are the stories that broke the ñews this week on POCHO:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Jenni Rivera RIP, Disneyland LOL, 12-14-12 🙁

From Mexican ‘Santa Claus’ (1959): Lupita’s Devil Dream (video)

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Here’s maybe the most famous scene from K. Gordon Murray’s English dub of the low-budget live-action Mexican classic Santa Claus. In this scene, which has given kids nightmares for years, Lupita’s dreams are interrupted by the Devil. Santa is able to see it (from his cloud in outer space) thanks to the dream-scope, created by Merlin the Magician.

This trailer is for a 2007 MST3K-style parody version:

Mas…From Mexican ‘Santa Claus’ (1959): Lupita’s Devil Dream (video)

Warning! Aliens will put your human baby in the microwave (video)

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Really, you want to do the right thing. Love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek, if it’s yellow let it mellow.

Enticing noises. Hypnotic lights.

All your life you’ve been thinking about the Mothership and the Space Brothers and ZOMG here they are in your backyard! What do you do? You do the Christian thing and invite them in for cuppa tea, of course. And what the frack do the aliens do? Hint: It involves babies and microwaves. (Based on a true story. Simulated gore may sicken people who are sickened by that kind of stuff.)

Spanish-speaking ‘holobot’ greets you at Long Beach Airport (video)

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Apocalyptic manifestations are occurring at accelerating rates and spreading all across the country as we approach The End of the World as We Know it on December 21. [SYNCHRONIZE YOUR DEVICES WITH POCHO’S MAYAN APOCALYPSE DOOMSDAY COUNTDOWN CLOCK IN THE RIGHT COLUMN.]

Close to our headquarters in Rancho Pocho, CA, municipal officials just installed a Spanish-speaking hottie robot-like being to offer greets to peeps at Long Beach Airport.

Mas…Spanish-speaking ‘holobot’ greets you at Long Beach Airport (video)

Argentine OVNI investigator warns of spacetime rifts on Route #5

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If you’re planning on driving National Route No. 5 in Argentina’s pampas region — especially between Santa Rosa and Catrilo — be extra careful. There are rifts in the spacetime continuum there, so-called “zonas de pérdida temporal.”  Drivers may be subject to “missing time.”

That’s the warning recently issued by Agentinean Oscar “Quique” Mario, founder of the Centro de Estudios OVNI (CEUFO.)

From the Inexplicata blog:

…People driving along National Route No. 5, specifically the segment between the localities of Lonquimay and Anguil, and who may have sensed time anomalies, should please report it immediately to CEUFO, as we have received reports of three cases at different times and days within the past month.”

Mas…Argentine OVNI investigator warns of spacetime rifts on Route #5

POCHO thanks La Virgen de Guadalupe for helping us break the ñews

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Today is the Feast Day of La Virgen de Guadalupe, the Empress of Latin America, celebrated every December 12.

La Virgen has consistently helped POCHO break the ñews. Here are a few of our favorite stories that included Nuestra Señora:

Mayan weed bombs scar U.S. field, Trekkies prepare for Apocalypse

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Every day brings us closer to the End of the World as We Know It on December 21 (synchronize your chronometers with our MAYAN APOCALYPSE DOOMSDAY COUNTDOWN CLOCK in the right column.)

All over the Internets, extremely concerned Trekkies are banding together to wear “expendable red” jerseys on The Last Day, so they can “die as Mr. Gene Rodenberry intended.”

And policia stationed near San Luis, AZ found a freshly-plowed field on the American side of the Colorado River scarred by craters and dotted with payloads of Mayan Marijuana apparently shot by cannabis cannoneers using a pneumatic cannon.

Pneumatic cannon? Federales found an empty industrial-sized CO2 canister, presumably propellant, in their hood.

Mas…Mayan weed bombs scar U.S. field, Trekkies prepare for Apocalypse

She replaced Feliz Navidad with ‘Feliz Hanukkah’ (audio)

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When Austin resident Trina Hernandez (photo) found out her family had Jewish roots, it allowed her to ditch the commercial aspects of Christmas she had long disliked and connect to a tradition she found more meaningful for her and her son. From NPR’s Latino USA with Maria Hinojosa.

RELATED:

On Beverly Hills’ Rodeo Drive, it looks a bit like Christmas (photos)

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Ramiro J. Gomez is a West Hollywood installation artist who makes and places cardboard avatars of immigrant laborers around Southern California’s richer neighborhoods; his mission is to make normally invisible people visible, if just for a short time.

Monday around 4:30 Gomez was busy populating the cardboard labor force on Beverly Hills‘ famed shopping street, Rodeo Drive, where it’s beginning to look a bit like Christmas — Beverly Hills style, that is. Weather? Sunny, with temperatures in the low to mid 60s ℉.

Here’s what he posted on Facebook:

Finished with the cardboard installation spree today. My heart inevitably was racing, especially when I placed the cutouts on busy Rodeo Dr. but that is the most liberating and rewarding aspect of my project, the ability to go in plain sight and creatively make a statement.

Eloisa is the elote seller, Rodrigo is the paletero, and Mayra is the woman with the balloons. Here’s the view from Gomez’ camera:

Mas…On Beverly Hills’ Rodeo Drive, it looks a bit like Christmas (photos)

Watch: This may be the Internets’ only ninja cat video en Español

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In the world of videos on the Internets, we all see cat videos (or kitteh videos as they are known in some circles.)

Sometimes you see cat ninja videos, but not too often. (It’s very hard to get a cat to pay attention all the way through ninja training.)

And maybe, once in a lifetime, you find a kitteh ninja video en Español. Behold: El Gato Ninja. You’re welcome.

Mexican food tech flies high with the ‘Burrito Bomber’ (video)

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POCHO, your web authority on taco- and burrito-loving geekological innovation, is proud to feature this video showcasing the latest advance in remote burrito delivery logistics, just in time for Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012 [SEE COUNTDOWN CLOCK IN RIGHT COLUMN.]

Real, unlike the bogus Taco Copter, outshining the burrito-making robot and the limited Siri-assisted margarita maker, the Burrito Bomber actually flies and drops tasty burritos at your location. ¡Orale!

Mas…Mexican food tech flies high with the ‘Burrito Bomber’ (video)

Ñewsweek: LOST GOV Jan Brewja, boobs, San Diego billboard

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When Jan Brewja, governor of the Hate State of Arizona (photo,right), officially announced her absence from the jurisdiction, concerned Americans began a desperate search for LOST GOV, posting flyers on telephone polls and all over the Internets.

Her mysterious disappearance almost overshadowed the shocking revelation of Iowa’s Brian Peterson, who finally had to come to grips with the fact that he watches telenovelas for the boobs, not to learn Spanish like he originally told himself.

And in San Diego, a multimillionaire commissioned a billboard to get himself a new girlfriend for Christmas — a “Christmas Latina.” Our Especial Correspondents uncovered some earlier versions of the billboard, and an intrepid photographer snapped the final version of the message.

Here are the links to the top stories that broke the ñews:

Mas…Ñewsweek: LOST GOV Jan Brewja, boobs, San Diego billboard

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