FTP Local #207 taps ‘Mainstream Media’ for 2016 Golden Dookie Award

sparkleturd (PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Local #207 of the Federation of Turd Polishers (FTP) has chosen “The Mainstream Media” as the recipient of their 2016 Golden Dookie Award, PNS has learned.

The union will cite the news media’s whitewashing of Donald Trump’s hate, xenophobia, racial prejudice, misogyny, lies, bullying, sexual assault, fraud, and foreign entanglements as “the new normal.”

“They polished the shit right off of that turd,” one FTP official told PNS.

Mas…FTP Local #207 taps ‘Mainstream Media’ for 2016 Golden Dookie Award

Pocho Ocho Top Tunes on Obama’s forthcoming jazz CD

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON D.C.) President Barack Obama will launch a new career when his term ends — a career as a jazz saxophonist, PNS has learned.

Insiders at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue say the president has been spending almost every weekend for the last six months practicing his tenor saxophone, a gift from former President Bill Clinton, rehearsing, and recording with his band. His first CD — Barry Blows the Blues — will drop January 21, the day after Donald Trump’s inauguration.

Sources tell us these are the Pocho Ocho Top Tunes — recorded in “Living Stereo” — featured on Barry Blows the Blues:

8. Yes, I Kenya

7. Livin’ in a Cracker’s Paradise

6. Michelle

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Tunes on Obama’s forthcoming jazz CD

Never-published ‘Alt-Right’ tabloid front page called HRC win an ‘attack’

newnastynews(PNS reporting from the ALT YORK CITY, ALT YORK) The Wednesday issue of the local “Alt-Right” newspaper — The Putin Press & Patriot — was prepared to report a Hillary Clinton’s election victory as an “attack” on America, PNS has learned (photo.) [Editor’s Note: A “newspaper” is an pre-Millennial period analog instantiation of intellectual property — i.e. “content” — fixed on a physical medium comprised of a data-carrying chemical reagent and processed dead trees.]

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT.  DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Leading Catholic personalities gathered here this week to address a simmering controversy in the official Divine Advent & Manifestation Union (DAMU): members claim that La Virgen de Guadalupe (photo, center) is a publicity hog when it comes to miraculous appearances.

“Can’t the Son of God just miraculously appear on a slice of toast without someone copying me?” asked Jesus Christ (photo, right). “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for faith and everything, but she goes out of her way to appear on everything! Am I right, people?”

Another virgin in attendance, rarely-seen La Virgen de San Juan (photo, left), said that although she’s “totally cool” with being a lesser-known virgin, she will never be able to grow her Twitter following or sell more CDs when Guadalupe is always “hogging the spotlight.”

“The union has rules for a reason, so everyone has a chance at appearing on tortillas or an oil stain,” San Juan told PNS. “I don’t expect to be number one — I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about the Mother of God here — but I do expect my fair share.”

Mas…Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

BREAKING: Pals fret as local man fails to thank God it’s Friday

throwbackthursday(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Friends and neighbors of Daniel Cardenas are frantically texting each other this morning after his ex-girlfriend Flora Moreno noticed the 28-year-old regional insurance manager didn’t share a new TGIF meme on his Facebook, something he had done weekly since 2010.

“He’s usually reliable as clockwork,” Moreno noted in a group chat. “He posts something cynical about the work week on Mondays, taco memes on Tuesdays, ‘hump day’ jokes on Wednesdays, some retro shit on Throwback Thursdays, and every Friday, a new Thank God It’s Friday pic.”

The fact that Thursday’s #TBT cover photo (above) remained on Cardenas’ FB wall as of 6 AM PDT Friday morning scared her, she said.

Mas…BREAKING: Pals fret as local man fails to thank God it’s Friday

Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Pianist Shep Devereaux

They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH.

Hollywood, Dec. 23, 1958. Singing cowboy Gene Autry‘s Challenge Records signed hard-drinking rockabilly singer/piano-player Shep Devereaux to produce four sides. Devereaux, originally from New Orleans, booked the Flores Trio (Danny Flores on saxophone and keyboards, Gene Alden on drums, and lead guitarist Buddy Bruce) to back him up. They recorded three rockabilly numbers and an up-tempo mostly-instrumental track composed by Flores, a song jokingly called “Chingate.” The song’s lyrics consisted of just that one cussword, repeated three times and featured a blistering sax solo by Flores.

When Autry, in the control room, heard “Chingate” he knew it was a hit, but realized the name had to change, so he asked for suggestions for three-syllable phrases from the band.

“Horchata!” “Tu madre!” “Pendejo!” The musicians were full of ideas.

Mas…Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Pianist Shep Devereaux

Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: The Honorable Jed Bartlet

They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH.

When a liberal Supreme Court justice retired in 1998, Pres. Jed Bartlet and his staff thought this was the perfect opportunity to increase approval ratings with a politically “safe” nominee, Judge Peyton Harrison.

The retiring justice, a liberal, was not impressed by Bartlet’s choice and urged him to consider another candidate. Bartlet asked his aide Toby Ziegler to review their decision. Ziegler, after walking and talking with other habitues of the West Wing, was uncomfortable with the prospect of losing the easy confirmation, but complied.

Zeigler learned that Harrison once argued against a guarantee of privacy, and told Bartlet a backup candidate should be vetted as a possible replacement nominee.

Mas…Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: The Honorable Jed Bartlet

Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Berkowitz the tailor

yossiberkowitz They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH.

In 1978, a young Chicano actor from Montebello, CA went to tailor Yossi F. Berkowitz to try on a new suit custom-made for his starring role in a Los Angeles play. Right away, he noticed that the coat sleeves were too long.

“No problem,” said Berkowitz, a long-time shop owner in nearby Boyle Heights. “Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it’s fine.”

Mas…Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Berkowitz the tailor

Pocho Ocho Top GOP Picks for Latinx Heritage Month 2017

frito-bandito“Hispanic” Heritage Month, the officially-approved celebration of Latinx and their contributions to the United Estates of America, started Thursday.

Donald Trump’s GOP has proposed their own list of praise-worthy Hispanix for next year’s fiesta — assuming Trump wins — and POCHO has gotten a sneak peek at their nominations.

Peep this Mexclusive list of the Pocho Ocho Top GOP Picks for Latinx Heritage Month 2017:

8. The Frito Bandito

7. The Taco Bell Chihuahua

6. The Chevy No Va

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top GOP Picks for Latinx Heritage Month 2017

City calm after white male terrorist Pokémon Go ban (video)


(PNS reporting from SANTA CHANCLA, CA) Streets were quiet here overnight as the city’s emergency ban on Pokémon Go went into effect at midnight.

Santa Chancla is the first city in California to ban Pokémon Go players within city limits, a ban authorized in response to widespread threats by white male terrorists.

“Every time you turn around some crazy young white guy is murdering someone — and these kids are running around in groups together? I don’t think so. Not in my town,” Mayor Juan Lopez told a press conference at City Hall this morning.

Mas…City calm after white male terrorist Pokémon Go ban (video)

Pocho Ocho most alarming symptoms of RNC Treasonnaires’ Disease

Sign_at_Donald_Trump_rally_2015(PNS reporting from CLEVELAND) Jailhouse emergency wards here are filling up with RNC delegates placed on 72-hour mental health holds following “disturbing the peace” arrests.

Clevelanders have been swamping 911 with reports of out-of-town Republicans incoherently screaming, “acting all hatey ‘n’ shit,” and/or “dreaming impossible dreams” after being ordered to cease and desist.

“If the cops don’t immediately drop whatever they’re doing and investigate Michelle Obama’s ‘connection in ISIS who gives her steroids,’ for example,” one ER intake psychiatrist told PNS Sunday, “these GOP loconauts accuse the police of treason. That’s why we’re calling the mass derangement syndrome Treasonnaires’ Disease.”

How can YOU tell if a delegate to the Republican National Convention might be suffering from Treasonnaires’ Disease?

Here are the Pocho Ocho Most Alarming Symptoms:

8. PARANOIA: Scared of real-life encounters with “those Negro actors” who starred in The Cleveland Show.

7. ACTING OUT/ANTISOCIAL BEHAVIOR: “Open carries” an AR-15, drinks Heinz 57 and huffs WD-40.

6. VIOLENT VERBAL OUTBURSTS: “Who let Obama in my mama jama’s ding dong?” one patient asked, over and over.  Bless his sweet heart.

Mas…Pocho Ocho most alarming symptoms of RNC Treasonnaires’ Disease

‘Study Abroad’ gringa is slow to realize she’s really in Califas

Tip from ex-Facebook friend breaks bad news

(PNS reporting from SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA) A “Study Abroad” student received some upsetting news last week when she realized nothing around her looked like the Lonely Planet guidebook she was carrying.

Becky Miller, a 21-year old geography major from Louisville, KY, was scheduled to spend three months in San Jose studying Spanish as a student with Veritas University. Her plans are now very much in doubt after she blew most of her savings in central California on San Jose Shark hockey games and visiting the Winchester Mystery Mansion.

Mas…‘Study Abroad’ gringa is slow to realize she’s really in Califas

BREAKING: Bernie Bros’ exploding heads spur FBI zombie alert

fbizombies(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The FBI is warning citizens to be on the lookout for hungry zombies attracted by the brains spewed from the exploding heads of diehard Bernie Bros.

Bernie Sanders supporters’ brains, the Feds said, are piling up on the streets of gentrified neighborhoods across America.

The brainiac explosions followed Sanders’ endorsement of Democratic presidential nomination rival Hillary Clinton this morning.

“These zombies especially love the entitled taste of Bernie Bro brains,” FBI spokesman Whitman “Ken” Jump told a press conference here today (photo). “We’re calling them Zombros.

Mas…BREAKING: Bernie Bros’ exploding heads spur FBI zombie alert

Costa Rican man miraculously cooks own dinner

cookSuegra remains skeptical that he didn’t receive assistance

(PNS reporting from LIBERIA, COSTA RICA) Local man Ramón Sosa Quesada stunned his friends and family Saturday when he single-handedly cooked his own dinner after finding himself home alone with no prepared meal.

Sosa, whose wife goes to choir practice on Saturday evenings, said he felt completely lost when he could only find dry rice and raw platanos in the family’s kitchen. He then fell into complete panic when he tried to order servicio express from A’s Chicken and realized his cell phone was out of saldo and he’d spent his final colones on a 6-pack of Rock Ice Limon.

“Mae, I was really looking forward to some steamy hot A’s in my mouth,” Sosa said. “I tried eating dried pasta, coffee grains, garlic cloves, everything. When I saw an advertisement for Popeye’s Chicken on TV, I collapsed to the floor and wept.”

Mas…Costa Rican man miraculously cooks own dinner

Around Our Town: Puro Party Picks for Father’s Day Weekend 2016

fathersdaychurchsignFather and Son Chile-Eating Contest: Quién es más macho? The East Pocho Optimists Club once again sets up shop at Fernando Valenzuela Field for their annual chile-eating contest, which pits father-son teams against each other to see who can ascend the Picante Podium of Pain. The winning team wins even more chiles! Sunday, noon.

Bronche: Angry Bull cocktails (Red Bull, tequila, orange juice) are just $3 and dads get all the Mexican Meatloaf Sliders they want for free on Father’s Day at TGI Viernes in the Rancho Pocho Mall. Sunday 10 AM – 2 PM. Mention my name, Chale Knickerbocker, for a blank stare.

Mas…Around Our Town: Puro Party Picks for Father’s Day Weekend 2016

Student survey results: ‘Gringo ESL teacher is an ignorant slob’

eslGringo instructor adamant class loves him

(PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) A business English language class at Intel, Inc. unanimously agreed in a recent questionnaire that teacher Bryan McNutt’s two strongest abilities are being a painfully oblivious gringo and poor wardrobe choices.

The group of six, who requested their names be withheld, filled out the survey about their teacher after complaints were filed about the quality of classes he was providing. A big part of the problem, one student explained, was McNutt’s sartorial choices.

“Every five seconds he’s grabbing his Ropa Americana and pants so they don’t fall down,” one student said. “Is it school policy for every teacher to look like a poorly-dressed Mormon missionary?”

Mas…Student survey results: ‘Gringo ESL teacher is an ignorant slob’

Costa Rica experts say virgin sacrifice would ease volcanic activity


(PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) Eruptions from the Turrialba Volcano continued Thursday, spewing even more ash into the air.

The explosions are the most recent in the increasingly violent activity from the volcano. Scientists are warning that if preventative measures are not taken soon, the entire central valley will become covered by pigpen-levels of ash.

Mas…Costa Rica experts say virgin sacrifice would ease volcanic activity

In Puebla, MX, narco cartel killers crush French gangsters

pueblacartel640(PNS reporting from PUEBLA, MX) Federales have finished cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead, PNS has learned.

The  Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika (the “Zetas”) — was overwhelmed by the fierce Mexican gangbangers.

Faulty HUMINT (human intelligence) was also a factor.

Based on bogus tips from informants who called themselves “los mentirosos,” which La Eme interpreted as “mentors,” the frogs engaged the enemy at noon. La Eme expected the Zeta sentries to be taking siestas with their sombreros pulled so low they couldn’t see the advancing gunmen. And the close-by burros? The French plan relied on the overhwhelming odor of naturally estanky donkeys to mask the telltale scent of French breath-de-fromage.

But the Zetas were not asleep and those weren’t your mother’s burritos.

Mas…In Puebla, MX, narco cartel killers crush French gangsters

Breaking Ñews: Did French troops use poison gas in Puebla?

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) French invaders fighting indigenous militias in the state of Puebla are using poison gas, according to situation reports circulating here in the capital.

If the reports can be substantiated, it marks a dangerous escalation in the hostilities, and would mean Napoleon III’s troops have “crossed a red line” set by the Lincoln Administration in Washington.

“Oh simon, it was gas,” said one eyewitness rushed from the front by the cavalry. “French General Pepe Le Pew knows he is losing the la guerra and he is desperate. We think it is the deadly gas de brie, which these queseros love.”

Mas…Breaking Ñews: Did French troops use poison gas in Puebla?

McDonald’s plans Golden Arches for Teotihuacan, Chichen Itza

[one_half]teot[/one_half][one_half_last]itza[/one_half_last]

Company claims indigenous communities lived on maiz, tortillas and McRibs

(PNS reporting from CHICHEN ITZA) In a fresh effort by McDonald’s to prove that “tamales are a thing of the past,” the U.S. food chain has opened locations at famed Aztec and Mayan sites of Teotihuacan and Chichen Itza, with plans to expand to Guatemala’s Tikal and Peru’s Machu Picchu, according to a spokesperson.

Mas…McDonald’s plans Golden Arches for Teotihuacan, Chichen Itza

Facebook to change Latin American URL to ElFahhhhhce.com

fahhhhhce2(PNS reporting from MENLO PARK, SILICON VALLEY) In a push to make the world’s most popular social media network region-friendly, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced today that the Latin American URL for the company’s website will be changed to ElFahhhhhce.com, a decision celebrated by the 400 million users south of the U.S. border.

Mas…Facebook to change Latin American URL to ElFahhhhhce.com

Good Friday particularly disappointing for ambitious Facebook post

facebookstatusf(PNS reporting from RANCHO CUCAMONGA) The clock is ticking for Pope Franciss’ Facebook post, which is 50 AMEN comments short of its 10k goal and the promised resurrection and triumphant return of Jesus Christ.

The photo posted by the FB account using the Pontiff’s image has garnered thousands of “likes” and “shares” but was shy of the required AMENs as Easter loomed.

“I didn’t expect the post to take off like it did,” said Annette Benson, 54, a retired San Bernardino County clerk who runs the account from her home here. “I guess it just shows how much America is in need of a prayer right now. Jesus is what will make America great again. Let me hear you say AMEN!”

Mas…Good Friday particularly disappointing for ambitious Facebook post

Around Our Town on St. Paddy’s Day: Where to go, what to do

LUCK OF THE IRISH: Look for a pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow today at Gustavo O’Grady’s Bar y Grill on East Olmos Boulevard. The popular hangout will serve corned beef tacos, potato-stuffed chiles rellenos and beer-marinated enchilada irlanda sliders at $1 each during Happy Hour.

Happy Hour, you lucky leprechauns, lasts all day long, and GO’G’s always keeps 100 bottles of beer on the wall.

For $144 and a signed damage waiver, you high-rollers can try GO’G’s One Night in Dublin Lifestyle Tasting Menu — generous pours of Guinness and Jameson’s followed by a course of impassioned story-telling and poetry, more pours, then a rich hour of melancholy singing, pours again, all capped off by your choice of a bar fight or vomiting in the alley.

Wear a wee bit o’ green and Gay Gus O’Grady himself will kiss your Blarney Stone.

Mas…Around Our Town on St. Paddy’s Day: Where to go, what to do

Costa Rica man freaks out at concept of ‘too much’ Lizano Sauce


(PNS reporting from PAVAS, COSTA RICA) Jose Valdez slipped into an existential crisis Tuesday after he spent the majority of his lunch hour at a neighborhood soda staring at his untouched bowl of rice and deeply debating whether he could physically add more Salsa Lizano to his already drenched platter.

The crisis began when Valdez, 21, uncorked the plastic bottle of Costa Rica’s famous, tangy, vegetable poop-colored condiment and realized he could no longer even see the white Uncle Ben’s rice served with his casado dish, which featured other culinary innovations such as beans and breaded fish. At that point, Valdez, with his hand visibly shaking as he gripped the Lizano bottle, had what he referred to as an epiphany-like “Diay, Mae” moment.

Mas…Costa Rica man freaks out at concept of ‘too much’ Lizano Sauce

Mex Ex-Prez Vicente Fox: I have Trump-Induced Tourette’s Syndrome

vicentefoxfinger(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Former Mexican President Vicente Fox announced Monday that he has a rare disorder known as “Trump Induced Tourette’s Syndrome,” or TITS, in which every time he hears the name or sees an image of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, he involuntarily screams vulgarities and suffers mild convulsions.

“The condition was originally diagnosed by doctors as just visceral hatred for a bigoted, sexist, fascist, moron,” Fox said this morning at a Mexico City press conference. “But the more his popularity surged and the more I heard the name Trump, the more I cursed that mutha fu¢kn hate-mongering piece of baboon $h!t.”

Mas…Mex Ex-Prez Vicente Fox: I have Trump-Induced Tourette’s Syndrome

Ted Cruz campaign tracts warn of ‘Satan’s Spiritual Structure’

tedcruzcheatsheetWhile Senator Ted Cruz (R-Canadia) was telling the crowd “To God be the Glory” [In Arabic, this is “Allahu Akbar”] in his Des Moines, Iowa victory speech Monday night, PNS snagged an example of the tracts campaign aides were passing out to the crowd — tracts detailing the Christian Sharia Law we can expect under President Cruz.

The rest of the tract is here….

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Pocho Ocho top reasons Sheriff Joe Arpaio is endorsing Donald Trump

sheriffjoetrumpArizona’s notorious Sheriff Joe Arpaio — racist, birther, and pendejo — is set to endorse racist, birther, and pendejo Donald Trump in the Iowa GOP caucuses, according to The New York Times.

Our Especial Correspondents have been on the phone with sources in Arizona, Iowa and New York probing the thinking behind this decision and we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho Top Reasons Sheriff Joe Arpaio Will Endorse Donald Trump:

8. Pigs of a feather oink together

7. New York values

6. Spawned in the U.S.A.

Mas…Pocho Ocho top reasons Sheriff Joe Arpaio is endorsing Donald Trump

America to pause for Ricky Martin Luther King, Jr. Day 2016

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) America will pause tomorrow to remember the life and message of Ricky Martin Luther King Jr., whose Tengo a Dream y Dance! speech changed the nation forever.

Post offices and other public facilities will be closed, banks and stock exchanges are taking the day off and salsa picante and sweet potato pie – his favorite snack combo – will go on sale all across America. Monday’s holiday honors RMLK’s 39th birthday.

Despite his tragic death in 2007 (he was shot and killed by the president of his fan club before an appearance in Dallas) King’s promotion of “love, equality, justice, innocence, malice, refuge, oppression, freedom” has continued to resonate for confused African-Americans, Latinos, Afro-Latinos, Chicanx and Anglx alike.

Mas…America to pause for Ricky Martin Luther King, Jr. Day 2016

Cholo Electronics Show CES 2016 spotlights latest in High Aztech

(PNS reporting from LAS VEGAS) The very latest in High Aztech is on display at the fifth annual Cholo Electronics Show (CES) opening here today.

Generating the biggest buzz is the new “freemium” app Chologram™ from Oakland’s Firme Junior Systems.

The free at first Instagram challenger showcases La Vida Loca Lifestyle® image effects, including the one-tap application of teardrop tattoos to a facial image.

The premium version ($5.99) features one-tap removal of teardrop tattoos from a facial image.

Mas…Cholo Electronics Show CES 2016 spotlights latest in High Aztech