Facebook to change Latin American URL to ElFahhhhhce.com

fahhhhhce2(PNS reporting from MENLO PARK, SILICON VALLEY) In a push to make the world’s most popular social media network region-friendly, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced today that the Latin American URL for the company’s website will be changed to ElFahhhhhce.com, a decision celebrated by the 400 million users south of the U.S. border.

Mas…Facebook to change Latin American URL to ElFahhhhhce.com

Good Friday particularly disappointing for ambitious Facebook post

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By SYDNEY PRESLEY

(PNS reporting from RANCHO CUCAMONGA) The clock is ticking for Pope Franciss’ Facebook post, which is 50 AMEN comments short of its 10k goal and the promised resurrection and triumphant return of Jesus Christ.

The photo posted by the FB account using the Pontiff’s image has garnered thousands of “likes” and “shares” but was shy of the required AMENs as Easter loomed.

“I didn’t expect the post to take off like it did,” said Annette Benson, 54, a retired San Bernardino County clerk who runs the account from her home here. “I guess it just shows how much America is in need of a prayer right now. Jesus is what will make America great again. Let me hear you say AMEN!”

Mas…Good Friday particularly disappointing for ambitious Facebook post

Around Our Town on St. Paddy’s Day: Where to go, what to do

LUCK OF THE IRISH: Look for a pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow today at Gustavo O’Grady’s Bar y Grill on East Olmos Boulevard. The popular hangout will serve corned beef tacos, potato-stuffed chiles rellenos and beer-marinated enchilada irlanda sliders at $1 each during Happy Hour.

Happy Hour, you lucky leprechauns, lasts all day long, and GO’G’s always keeps 100 bottles of beer on the wall.

For $144 and a signed damage waiver, you high-rollers can try GO’G’s One Night in Dublin Lifestyle Tasting Menu — generous pours of Guinness and Jameson’s followed by a course of impassioned story-telling and poetry, more pours, then a rich hour of melancholy singing, pours again, all capped off by your choice of a bar fight or vomiting in the alley.

Wear a wee bit o’ green and Gay Gus O’Grady himself will kiss your Blarney Stone.

Mas…Around Our Town on St. Paddy’s Day: Where to go, what to do

Costa Rica man freaks out at concept of ‘too much’ Lizano Sauce


(PNS reporting from PAVAS, COSTA RICA) Jose Valdez slipped into an existential crisis Tuesday after he spent the majority of his lunch hour at a neighborhood soda staring at his untouched bowl of rice and deeply debating whether he could physically add more Salsa Lizano to his already drenched platter.

The crisis began when Valdez, 21, uncorked the plastic bottle of Costa Rica’s famous, tangy, vegetable poop-colored condiment and realized he could no longer even see the white Uncle Ben’s rice served with his casado dish, which featured other culinary innovations such as beans and breaded fish. At that point, Valdez, with his hand visibly shaking as he gripped the Lizano bottle, had what he referred to as an epiphany-like “Diay, Mae” moment.

Mas…Costa Rica man freaks out at concept of ‘too much’ Lizano Sauce

Mex Ex-Prez Vicente Fox: I have Trump-Induced Tourette’s Syndrome

vicentefoxfinger(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Former Mexican President Vicente Fox announced Monday that he has a rare disorder known as “Trump Induced Tourette’s Syndrome,” or TITS, in which every time he hears the name or sees an image of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, he involuntarily screams vulgarities and suffers mild convulsions.

“The condition was originally diagnosed by doctors as just visceral hatred for a bigoted, sexist, fascist, moron,” Fox said this morning at a Mexico City press conference. “But the more his popularity surged and the more I heard the name Trump, the more I cursed that mutha fu¢kn hate-mongering piece of baboon $h!t.”

Mas…Mex Ex-Prez Vicente Fox: I have Trump-Induced Tourette’s Syndrome

Ted Cruz campaign tracts warn of ‘Satan’s Spiritual Structure’

tedcruzcheatsheetWhile Senator Ted Cruz (R-Canadia) was telling the crowd “To God be the Glory” [In Arabic, this is “Allahu Akbar”] in his Des Moines, Iowa victory speech Monday night, PNS snagged an example of the tracts campaign aides were passing out to the crowd — tracts detailing the Christian Sharia Law we can expect under President Cruz.

The rest of the tract is here….

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Cholo Electronics Show CES 2016 spotlights latest in High Aztech

(PNS reporting from LAS VEGAS) The very latest in High Aztech is on display at the fifth annual Cholo Electronics Show (CES) opening here today.

Generating the biggest buzz is the new “freemium” app Chologram™ from Oakland’s Firme Junior Systems.

The free at first Instagram challenger showcases La Vida Loca Lifestyle® image effects, including the one-tap application of teardrop tattoos to a facial image.

The premium version ($5.99) features one-tap removal of teardrop tattoos from a facial image.

Mas…Cholo Electronics Show CES 2016 spotlights latest in High Aztech

Mexclusive: Mexican president wants to update the flag

mexicanempireMexican President Enrique Peña Nieto is expected to propose a new flag (photo) to better reflect the “Mexico of today, tomorrow and the future,” PNS has learned.

“Snakes, eagles,” he told close associates at a meeting Thursday evening, “that was a long, long time ago, in a barrio far, far away.”

More on this story as it develops.

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo, Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court. Don’t ask us, we just work here.

As Hispanic Heritage Month ends, Brooklyn Hispanics try to carry on

cucahhmsadbloguera(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Hispanic Heritage Month is over, and without the corporate-approved celebration as a focus, local members of the Hispanic/Latino community here aren’t really sure how they can go on being local members of the local Hispanic/Latino community here.

“What now?” lamented Brooklyn native and prolific bloguera Marielena Gutierrez (photo, right.)

“Should I tell people to call me Mary Ellen for the remaining 11 months of the year? It’s not like they ever pronounce it right anyway,” she wrote on her PobrePickle blog.

Mas…As Hispanic Heritage Month ends, Brooklyn Hispanics try to carry on

Area taquerias are on lockdown as Trump fever heats up

guisadostrumpsticker(PNS reporting from EAST LOS ANGELES) Neighborhood taquerias are on lockdown today with customers urged to “shelter in place” as Donald Trump’s immigrant-hating white wing campaign for the GOP presidential nomination heats up.

Patrons at the highly-rated Guisados on East Cesar E. Chavez Avenue (photo) said they felt particularly vulnerable as Trump supporters began threatening taco-loving families with scary bumper stickers (photo, right).

Mas…Area taquerias are on lockdown as Trump fever heats up

¡Orale! It’s International Coffee Day: Cartoons, un video, y ñews

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¡Feliz International Coffee Day! POCHO runs on coffee (and tacos, of course), and here’s our proof, starting with these self-portraits by POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alacraz.

Here’s how to identify Lalo (or any other nationally-syndicated Latino cartoonists) if you happen to seem him [Note: two kinds of coffee]:

Mas…¡Orale! It’s International Coffee Day: Cartoons, un video, y ñews

Area man relieved Ashley Madison was hacked, not Ashley Mamon

ashley2 (PNS reporting from SAN BERNARDINO) A local Christian conservative anti-immigration blogger is relieved that the AshleyMadison.com adultery website was hacked, not the Latino gay hookup site AshleyMamon.com.

“Whoa I almost crapped my pantalones when I heard about Ashley Madison on a car radio some beaner was blasting in the next lane,” the 43-year-old insurance agent told PNS Thursday afternoon.

Mas…Area man relieved Ashley Madison was hacked, not Ashley Mamon

Can solar-powered mariachis replace bean-powered mariachis?

3mariachis(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Solar-powered mariachis have begun coming off production lines here in the high tech manufacturing city of Guanajuato, Mexico, musical soldiers in the war on climate change.

The eco-friendly musicians use renewable energy from the sun instead of traditional musical fuels like frijoles, tacos y cerveza, all of which produce the damaging “greenhouse gas” behind global warming.

The solar-powered trio – maracas, trumpet, and guitar – were recently spotted playing an unpublicized gig at a 99 Cents Only store in the Houston, Texas area, according to Juan of Words, who took the photo above.

YouTuber David Diaz spotted another trio dancing silently in a letterbox, and added his own music:

Mas…Can solar-powered mariachis replace bean-powered mariachis?

Area executive thinks about delicious lunch torta all day long

hungryguy(PNS reporting from LAREDO) District III Regional Supervisor Pablo Gutierrez, 35, could not wait for yesterday’s pinche lunch break to begin so he could buy a firme torta at Joaquin’s Lonchera.

“Tortas were all I could think about,” the middle management exec told PNS Monday evening.

“I mean, when Andy from Financing handed me all those reports, I said ‘thanks’ but I was really imagining that he was a giant slice of avocado in my torta.”

Mas…Area executive thinks about delicious lunch torta all day long

Bill Cosby blasts Donald Trump’s comments re ‘Mexican rapists’

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(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Bill Cosby disagrees with Donald Trump’s calling Mexican immigrants rapists.

“I know immigrants, and I know rapists. And believe me, Mr. Trump, immigrants are not rapists,” read a statement released here this morning by Cosby attorney Alberto Gordo.

“Hey hey hey!” the lawyer added.

Cosby photograph by El Rey Del Art.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do over July 4 weekend

elotessignFIREWORKS: Mission Pocho Viejo American Legion Post 536 once again presents their Annual Fireworks Extravagonzo Friday at sunset. This year the pyrotechnics come from Los Light & Loafers Sparklistas with their presentation Rainbows of Love. Watch out for the confetti and glitter bombs!

Moms: Bring your blankets and sit the kids on the grass at Sotomayor Stadium.

Dads: Do NOT bring your own fireworks like last year.

INK AND DRINK: Two businesses in the El Rancho Pocho Downtown Historical District are getting together for a patriotic combo deal that’s hard to beat.

Get any flag or patriotic tat at Inky Dinky’s House of Pain on Porciuncula Place Friday through Monday and Inky will slide you a $10 pre-paid bar tab for the Loco Lounge next door.

And guys, if you like thick chicks, you’ll love new tattoo artist Salma’s Fernando Botero-inspired portraits of your true hyna, right over your heart.

Mas…Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do over July 4 weekend

Around Our Town: Cool places to go and do stuff on Father’s Day

fathersdaychurchsignFather and Son Chile-Eating Contest: Quién es más macho? The East Pocho Optimists Club once again sets up shop at Fernando Valenzuela Field for their annual chile-eating contest, which pits father-son teams against each other to see who can ascend the Picante Podium of Pain. The winning team wins even more chiles! Sunday, noon.

Bronche: Angry Bull cocktails (Red Bull, tequila, orange juice) are just $3 and dads get all the Mexican Meatloaf Sliders they want for free on Father’s Day at TGI Viernes in the Rancho Pocho Mall. Sunday 10 AM – 2 PM. Mention my name, Chale Knickerbocker, for a blank stare.

Mas…Around Our Town: Cool places to go and do stuff on Father’s Day

Abuela with iPad terrorizes area family via Facebook

IGgrannyipad(PNS reporting from CHICAGO) Rigoberto “Rigo” Chavez, 15, cringed in horror when he logged into Facebook Thursday morning and received a notification that his abuelita had once again commented on his status.

The high school junior had posted a status that read “$waaaag$” and Abuelita replied in ALL CAPS:

CACHORRITO ERES LA LUZ DE MI VIDA. CUIDATE MUCHO TE QUIERO

Mas…Abuela with iPad terrorizes area family via Facebook

Local girl crumbles under stress of learning cousins’ names

schoolgirl(PNS reporting from EL MONTE) The pressure was too much for Marisol Cruz, a fourth grader at Fernando Valenzuela Elementary, who collapsed on the playground Friday afternoon.

Friends said Marisol was a total stressball since her mother told her to memorize all of her cousins’ names before her upcoming primera comunión fiesta.

“I have like 80 cousins!” the Penn Mar Avenue resident told PNS after she had calmed down and accepted a bag of Takis as an incentive to talk.

“It’s not my fault Mama and Papa have like 20 brothers and sisters each! I just can’t remember them all. Call me ‘Mari’ by the way.”

Mari listed the names:

Mas…Local girl crumbles under stress of learning cousins’ names

BREAKING: Chipotle burrito confuses elderly Mexican man

chitpotlebillboardunclechipotle(PNS reporting from SACRAMENTO) Felipe Alvarez, 67, bit his tongue Tuesday afternoon.

The North Sacramento resident bit his tongue when his godson Tommy Alvarez (no relation) handed him a gold-foil-wrapped burrito from the trendy Chipotle Mexican Grill on Truxel Road. The metal-wrapped mystery meal, however, never made it to his mouth.

Don Felipe (photo) could not quite bring himself to bite the “burrito.”

“Que tiene adentro?” he asked Tommy, afraid of the answer.

A California resident for 20 years, Felipe was accustomed to the so-called “California burrito” – refried beans, “Spanish” rice, processed cheese, some wicked salsa, and maybe even French fries. “I’m a modern man y bastante liberal,” he told PNS.

The aroma of this burrito, however, was entirely unfamiliar.

Mas…BREAKING: Chipotle burrito confuses elderly Mexican man

Scientist’s quest to reproduce abuela’s mole recipe ends in failure

foodscientistabuela(PNS reporting from RIVERSIDE) After a decade-long quest to duplicate his Oaxacan abuela’s mole poblano recipe, UC Riverside food scientist Miguel Jimenez, 33, declared defeat Sunday.

Microbiologist Jimenez had hoped to identify the ingredients in the mysterious chocolate chile sauce his abuela puts on chicken.

“She won’t give anyone the recipe!” said Jimenez, as he kicked his chair and wiped away tears at UCR’s Chucheria Research Facility. “Abuelita just pinches my cheek and tells me to portarme bien and go to church more.”

Mas…Scientist’s quest to reproduce abuela’s mole recipe ends in failure

Angry area youth calls menudo ‘yucky,’ demands pizza

menudokid(PNS reporting from ALTADENA) Javier “Flaco” Hernandez outraged his family Sunday night when he refused to eat his bowl of menudo.

“It’s yucky!” the 8-year-old shouted as he repeatedly banged his spoon on the dinner table and insisted on pizza instead.

Flaco’s refusal ticked off his mom, who had spent hours preparing the beef stomach broth in the kitchen of their tidy suburban Los Angeles County bungalow.

Mas…Angry area youth calls menudo ‘yucky,’ demands pizza

Area man doesn’t care what Cinco de Mayo is all about, yo!

shirtmodel(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the history of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!”

“I don’t care what it’s about, yo!” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard grill. “I just always celebrated it with MEChA and at school. Partay!”

Friends and family at the Covarrubias’ weekly carne asada were aghast. Some reconsidered whether they’d be driving back to El Sereno next week, multiple witness reported.

Mas…Area man doesn’t care what Cinco de Mayo is all about, yo!

Puebla, MX narco cartel killers crush French gang invaders

Federales clean up bodies after cartel Battle of Puebla

(PNS reporting from PUEBLA, MX) Federales have finished cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead, PNS has learned.

The  Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika (the “Zetas”) — was overwhelmed by the fierce Mexican gangbangers.

Faulty HUMINT (human intelligence) was also a factor.

Based on bogus tips from informants who called themselves “los mentirosos,” which La Eme interpreted as “mentors,” the frogs engaged the enemy at noon. La Eme expected the Zeta sentries to be taking siestas with their sombreros pulled so low they couldn’t see the advancing gunmen. And the close-by burros? The French plan relied on the overhwhelming odor of naturally estanky donkeys to mask the telltale scent of French breath-de-fromage.

But the Zetas were not asleep and those weren’t your mother’s burritos.

Mas…Puebla, MX narco cartel killers crush French gang invaders

Area Man’s Dilemma: ‘Work on beach body or just wear a t-shirt?’

mexicanswim(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) Julio Reyes wanted a beach body shape this Summer, but after weighing changing his diet, swapping soda for water and committing to a strenuous of weights and cardio, he reconsidered.

“I think I’m just going to wear my t-shirt with my swim trunks this year,” he told PNS. “That way, if my workout regimen doesn’t kick in ‘til later no one will notice.”

Mas…Area Man’s Dilemma: ‘Work on beach body or just wear a t-shirt?’

Around Our Town on St. Patrick’s Day: Where to go, what to do

LUCK OF THE IRISH: Look for a pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow today at Gustavo O’Grady’s Bar y Grill on East Olmos Boulevard. The popular hangout will serve corned beef tacos, potato-stuffed chiles rellenos and beer-marinated enchilada irlanda sliders at $1 each during Happy Hour.

Happy Hour, you lucky leprechauns, lasts all day long, and GO’G’s always keeps 100 bottles of beer on the wall.

For $144 and a signed damage waiver, you high-rollers can try GO’G’s One Night in Dublin Lifestyle Tasting Menu — generous pours of Guinness and Jameson’s followed by a course of impassioned story-telling and poetry, more pours, then a rich hour of melancholy singing, pours again, all capped off by your choice of a bar fight or vomiting in the alley.

Wear a wee bit o’ green and Gay Gus O’Grady himself will kiss your Blarney Stone.

Mas…Around Our Town on St. Patrick’s Day: Where to go, what to do