BREAKING: Sean Penn set for Cesar Chavez keynote speech

seanpenn(PNS reporting from MALIBU) Sean Penn will deliver the keynote address at the City of San Jose’s annual Cesar Chavez Day celebration March 31, friends of the actor say. The ceremony honors the late Mexican-American icon and civil rights leader on his birthday.

Penn told dinner companions here Tuesday night that he plans to open the speech at the San Jose Civic Center with some humorous anecdotes.

Mas…BREAKING: Sean Penn set for Cesar Chavez keynote speech

Texas Senator Ted Cruz’ Pocho Ocho top legislative proposals

tedcruzdonkeyhoteySenator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has reintroduced legislation to take away federal benefits from same-sex married couples. But this troglodyte’s penedjitis is too advanced to stop at one stupid and hateful idea.

That’s right, there’s more — Ted Cruz’s Pocho Ocho Top Legislative Priorities for 2015:

8. Federal guidelines on subsidized school lunches for poor children shall encourage incorporation of nutritious roadkill meat, especially racoon. Now yer ‘coon is a touch on the greasy side, not sweet like ‘possum, but if you cook ’em up right, mmmmmmm, racoon!

7. Women banned from buying condoms because it curtails a Man’s Right to Reproduce.

6. Solar energy outlawed because it sucks the light right out of the Sun.

Mas…Texas Senator Ted Cruz’ Pocho Ocho top legislative proposals

America pauses for Ricky Martin Luther King Jr. Day 2015

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) America will pause Monday to remember the life and message of Ricky Martin Luther King Jr., whose Tengo a Dream y Dance! speech changed the nation forever.

Post offices and other public facilities will be closed, banks and stock exchanges are taking the day off and salsa picante and sweet potato pie – his favorite snack combo – will go on sale all across America. Monday’s holiday honors RMLK’s 39th birthday.

Despite his tragic death in 2007 (he was shot and killed by the president of his fan club before an appearance in Dallas) King’s promotion of “love, equality, justice, innocence, malice, refuge, oppression, freedom” has continued to resonate for confused African-Americans, Latinos, Afro-Latinos, Chicanx and Anglx alike.

Mas…America pauses for Ricky Martin Luther King Jr. Day 2015

Area woman looks forward to mediocre, less-ambitious 2015

sadgirl(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) After careful consideration, local woman Estela Zamora, 28, is aiming to be less ambitious in 2015.

“Turns out the ‘American Dream’ doesn’t mean to aim for the stars, but rather, right under the stars, where it’s safe and there’s more company,” Zamora told PNS Sunday.

“I’m just tired of getting flack for aiming too damn high!”

Mas…Area woman looks forward to mediocre, less-ambitious 2015

Copy and save this image to repost on Facebook (toon)

snopesWhen the bullshit on Facebook becomes too much, a picture is worth 1000 words. Next time someone posts the worthless “Facebook Privacy Notice,” or warns about the bull semen in energy drinks or that Obama’s power-mad bureaucrats have outlawed sprinkles on ice cream cones, post this meme/image based on a painting by Norman Rockwell. Or look this shit up on Snopes.com. Or both.

Also, when you see this notice at the bottom of EVERY SINGLE STORY marked PNS here on POCHO, jeez, pay some attention:

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of the Pocho Corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

 

PETA: Quinoa vs chia cartel wars hurt Fido, Fluffy over Christmas

fidofluffy2(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Fido and Fluffy have become collateral damage in the war between the rival QuinoaTraficante and ChiaTraficante agricultural cartels.

Recent attacks on Mexican chia seed production — apparently at the hands of rival-cartel-affiliated quinoa growers — have left thousands of local seed-deprived Chia Pets cold, shivering and hairless this Yuletide season, Texas People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) told PNS.

PETA said this includes Fido and Fluffy, of Barton Creek, pictured (above) in the organization’s latest Web ad.

Mas…PETA: Quinoa vs chia cartel wars hurt Fido, Fluffy over Christmas

Accusations, controversy doom first Spanglish grammar conference

spanglishconf
(PNS reporting from RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA) Factional fighting among Spanglish speakers, academics, and Raza activists doomed the first Spanglish grammar conference, held here Sunday.

“The idea was to create some foundational principles and ground rules for our people’s language,” co-organizer Lourdes Cervantes-Borges of the Professional Organization of Chican@s Oppressed by Society (POCHOS) told PNS. “We wished merely to memorialize those rules in a book of proper Spanglish Style, a Estronque y Blanco if you will, but then these know-nada nacos had to get involved.”

“No manches, son puras pendejadas! I ain’t down with all of that academic bullshit,” countered East Los delegate-at-large Oscar “Mocoso” Chavez. “Nuestra lengua is from the streets, and I ain’t talking ’bout that chingon taco troka on the corner of Beverly Boulevard.”

Mas…Accusations, controversy doom first Spanglish grammar conference

Prosecutor says ‘spirit of Porfirio Diaz’ guided Ferguson grand jury

diazprosecutor(PNS reporting from FERGUSON, MO) St. Louis County Prosecutor Robert P. McCulloch credits the ghost of notorious 19th Century Mexican dictator Porfirio Diaz with the legal theory that there was insufficient evidence to prosecute killer cop Darren Wilson.

In an interview with PNS Sunday, McCulloch said the ghost of Diaz visited him in a dream and provided legal advice on handling the Wilson grand jury, the official body investigating the shooting death of unarmed college student Michael Brown.

Mas…Prosecutor says ‘spirit of Porfirio Diaz’ guided Ferguson grand jury

On Thanksgiving, Texans thank Obama for immigration action

obamaspeech(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) Families here are thanking President Barack Obama as they sit down to their Thanksgiving meals today.

Undocumented immigrant Mario Garza, who plans to pay his fines and “get in the back of the line,” is overjoyed with the White House plans to help fix “our broken immigration system.”

“No pues está a toda madre lo que hizo el presidente Obama, y que poca madre tienen los pinches republicanos que no tienen ni corazon ni huevos para cumplir con la raza trabajadora,” he told PNS. (Translation: Garza backs presidential action but has doubts about the Republican Party’s appeal to future Latino voters.)

Mas…On Thanksgiving, Texans thank Obama for immigration action

Breaking: U.S. perverted peaceful Mexi-Drone robot plan

cyberbracero(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Newly-uncovered video confirms allegations that the U.S. Government stole and perverted POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz’s 1998 plan to use remote-controlled robots (now called drones) for peaceful purposes.

The short informational piece, which Alcaraz made for the United States Department of Labor, aired only once — on local access cable TV program Illegal Interns. It was lost to the public until a VHS version was discovered in a storage locker in Boyle Heights last week.

Alcaraz’ documentary illustrates how remotely-controlled farm workers/braceros (called “cyber-braceros” or “cybraceros” for short in the quaint lingo of the 20th Century) could pick American crops without crossing America’s border.

Sadly, Alcaraz’ prophetic vision of remotely-controlled robots was perverted by Tio Sam and used for killing foreigners overseas and snooping on Americans at home.

The Labor Department video starts at 1:05 into the program:

Mas…Breaking: U.S. perverted peaceful Mexi-Drone robot plan

iJuan, smartphone app for day labor, scores $3,500,000 investment

ijuan

(GUANAJUATO, MEXICO) iJuanCo, creator of iJuan, the first smartphone app to directly match day laborers and potential bosses, has secured a $3.5 million dollar investment from venture capital fund XS Dinero, iJuanCo company president Grito Del Toro announced here today.

Day laborers using the app will be able to register their schedules, skill set and service areas via iJuan, saving potential employers the hassle of cruising to Home Depot to hire workers while lessening the need for trabajeros to chase patrons’ trokas around the parking lot.

“We aim to disrupt the day labor market,” Del Toro said. “We’re turning wetbacks into techbacks!”

Mas…iJuan, smartphone app for day labor, scores $3,500,000 investment

Behind closed doors: Obama’s REAL anti-Ebola strategy (NSFW audio)

obamamov(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) While Republicans and FOX News have been quick to attack President Barack Obama’s anti-Ebola strategy, they didn’t hear this behind-the-scenes recording of the President’s remarks to health workers Wednesday. An un-named aide leaked this recording to POCHO this morning. [NSFW adult language.]

 

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Woman needs stricter hubby test than ‘not a drunk, won’t beat me’

(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Sandra Ceballos made a shocking discovery Friday night when she was out with her girlfriends.

The standards she’d been using to find a good husband were, as her friend Jenny put it, “appallingly low.”

Ceballos, whose family is from Mexico, was raised to believe that if a man is not too much of a drunk, works hard, and doesn’t beat you, he’s “good husband material.”

Mas…Woman needs stricter hubby test than ‘not a drunk, won’t beat me’

Local MEChA group ejected from Hong Kong returns to U.S.

hongkongdemo(PNS reporting from FRESNO) The 16 Cal State Fresno MEChA students who flew to Hong Kong to join the student protest — but were quickly kicked out of the demonstration — returned home late Sunday night.

The students were ejected from Occupy Central after Hong Kong student organizers discovered that the Movimiento Estudiantil Chican@ de Aztlán backed the Chinese Communist government. As the only Reds participating in the protests, their calls for “revolution” differed significantly from the protestors’ demands.

Mas…Local MEChA group ejected from Hong Kong returns to U.S.

New perfumes offer scents of dead Reds Che and Chavez (video)

cheperfumeche-nike(PNS reporting from HAVANA) Hey, kids! Now you can smell like dead Commies Che Guevara and/or Hugo Chavez with these two new scents from Cuba’s Labiofarm labs. (That’s “labio” not “labia,” you freaks.)

The just-announced perfume products could be a big source of hard currency for Venezuela‘s flagging economy, which Chavez poisoned and current Commandante Maduro is now kicking in the cojones.

The Hugo Chavez deal, insiders told PNS, was inspired by the Cuban regime’s multi-million-dollar revenue stream from the Che image licensing deal Comarade Fidel made with Nike (photo.)

Mas…New perfumes offer scents of dead Reds Che and Chavez (video)

New Mattel-Disney dolls for ‘Crucifiction’ movie cause furor

jesuskendoll(PNS reporting from ANAHEIM) Movie executives here are scrambling to respond to the fury over just-announced Christian religious figures re-imagined as Barbie dolls.

The Kens and Barbies are slated to promote the Mattel-Disney movie Crucifiction that “rebrands” the Passion of Jesus. The film is set for Xmas release.

The Disney reps — now on the defensive — have a heavy cross to bear.

Mas…New Mattel-Disney dolls for ‘Crucifiction’ movie cause furor

Feds make Sheriff Joe return military gear; he has Plan B

arpaiotank(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) Racist Sheriff Joe Arpaio claims the Federal Government’s decision to reclaim “surplus” military gear (like tanks [photo] and M16 rifles) transferred to his department is no big deal since he has already procured new weapons to replace the full-auto rifles Uncle Sam wants back.

“Hell no! We don’t need tanks and M16s for these illegals,” the Maricopa County, Arizona lawman told reporters Wednesday. “We’re getting ethnically-appropriate personnel compliance effectuators from local manufacturers. I am told these things give Mexicans the FEAR!”

Mas…Feds make Sheriff Joe return military gear; he has Plan B

Official spokesman for U.S. Hispanics quits: ‘It’s a bullshit job!’

spokesman(PNS reporting from MIAMI) Gerardo Lamas, the official spokesman for all Hispanics in the United States, resigned Wednesday night.

“This is a bullshit job and I’ll never be able to please anybody,” he told PNS in a late-night phone call. “I mean, I’ve been at this for a while, and let me tell you, it hasn’t gotten any easier. Que effin’ lastima, right? I’m throwing up my hands!”

“The truth is it’s ridiculous to expect one person to be able to speak for millions from diverse backgrounds, geopolitical situations, economic castes and region-specific cultures,” he said. “Rachel Maddow calls, Fox News calls, Esteban Colberto calls, and even your guy Al Madrigal from The Daily Show calls. Thank God for Caller ID!”

Mas…Official spokesman for U.S. Hispanics quits: ‘It’s a bullshit job!’

A burrito is not a sandwich, Massachusetts judge rules

qdoba640
(PNS reporting from MASSACHUSETTS) A burrito is not a sandwich, you idiots, according to a court decision announced here last week.

Superior Court Judge Jeffrey Locke made the ruling as he threw out a lawsuit brought by a Panera restaurant seeking to stop White City Shopping Center in Shrewbsury from leasing space to a franchisee of the Qdoba Mexican Grill chain.

Panera’s lease prevents the center from renting space to a (competing) sandwich shop.

From the Associated Press:

[The judge] cited Webster’s Dictionary as well as testimony from a chef and a former high-ranking federal agriculture official in ruling that Qdoba’s burritos and other offerings are not sandwiches.

Mas…A burrito is not a sandwich, Massachusetts judge rules

Local Chicano decides to start calling himself ‘Hispanic’

hispanicguy(PNS reporting from IRVINE, CA) Roland Vega, 33, formerly known as “Rolando,” has come to an important moment in his life: He’s transitioned from a “Chicano” to a “Hispanic.”

The decision to change the way he self-identifies came as somewhat of a shock to his family and his homeboys, but not necessarily to Vega’s former Hispanic fraternity brothers.

He made the announcement on Facebook Sunday night.

“You know, Roli — er, I mean, Roland — was always the most radical Chicano in the fraternity, but c’mon man, he was studying accounting. I kinda always knew he was going to end up a Hispanic,” said Ed Taboada, Vega’s college roommate.

Mas…Local Chicano decides to start calling himself ‘Hispanic’

Alaskans praise candidate who will save us from illegals with tats

joemillerracistmailer (PNS reporting from ANCHORAGE, AK) Some they call him Joe, some they call him Doh! but one group of Alaska voters is 100% behind Joe Miller, the Tea Party-affiliated candidate who is seeking a United States Senate nomination.

“His campaign mailer (click on photo to enlarge) convinced us that Miller will do a great job keeping the thriving Latino community of Alaska in check,” read a press release issued Thursday by Cecilia Jones, the president of National Organization for Minorities, Advertisements, Media Exposure and Symbolism. “And that especially goes for your drug-dealing border-crossing tat-wearing illegal alien Democrat voters!”

Mas…Alaskans praise candidate who will save us from illegals with tats

Cheap Chinese chanclas choke Chuy’s Choo Repair

chanclaszapatero(PNS reporting from CHICAGO) Chuy’s Choo Repair on Ashland has been fixing heels, stretching boots and giving new soles to tired oxfords since 1956, but owner Eddie Calderon doesn’t know how long he can keep his shop open.

Calderon (photo, right), whose father opened the business when he returned to Chicago after the Korean War, says he can’t keep up with cheap imported shoes flooding the country.

“Look at the pinches chanclas on sale at the Dollar Store!” Calderon told PNS as we toured the neighborhood (photo, top.) “If people can buy new Chinese chanclas for 60 cents at the stupid Dollar Store, why would they want to get them repaired if a strap breaks? It’s not worth it!”

Mas…Cheap Chinese chanclas choke Chuy’s Choo Repair

Cold war chills Rio Grande Valley town as raspa rebellion heats up

raspawar (PNS reporting from EDINBURG, TX) Eddie’s Raspas, the sunny yellow shack out on Sprague, used to be the place to be on a scorching Valley afternoon.

“People would come from all around and say, ‘Eddie, which of your five delicious flavors shall I have today?’” Eddie Cardenas recalled fondly. “It was great.”

Until six weeks ago, that is, when an electric-blue trailer moved in across the street.

Cardenas said that newcomer Chuy’s Famous Raspas is stealing his business, and shaming the shaved ice industry as a whole.

“It’s trashy,” he said, speaking over the pop music coming from the nearby trailer. “You give people so many flavor options, they feel paralyzed! Now I’m hearing whispers about burritos and Frito pies? It’s war, I’m telling you.

Mas…Cold war chills Rio Grande Valley town as raspa rebellion heats up

Illegals ride luxury limos to invade our country (video)


This Reuters news video spotlights the luxury transportation the brown-skinned, drug-smuggling, disease-spreading, job-stealing illegal invaders use to travel across Mexico to infect our God-given homeland, all part of the Kenyan Muslim Obummer socialist plot to destroy America.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

 

Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do for July 4th weekend

FIREWORKS: Mission Pocho Viejo American Legion Post 536 once again presents their Annual Fireworks Extravagonzo Friday at sunset. This year the pyrotechnics come from Zamboni Bros., new to California, with their presentation Hella Hockey Holiday – a tribute to the Estanley Cup World Champions, Los Reyes de Los Angeles.

Moms: bring your blankets and sit the kids on the grass at Sotomayor Stadium. Dads: Do NOT bring your own fireworks.

INK AND DRINK: Two businesses in the El Rancho Pocho Downtown Historical District are getting together for a patriotic combo deal that’s hard to beat. Get any flag or patriotic tat at Inky Dinky’s House of Pain on Porciuncula Place Friday through Sunday and Inky will slide you a $10 pre-paid bar tab for the Loco Lounge next door. And guys, if you like thick chicks, you’ll love new tattoo artist Salma’s Fernando Botero-inspired portraits of your true hyna, right over your heart.

Mas…Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do for July 4th weekend

Chicano anti-war activist found in Canada after 44 years

missing(PNS reporting from MONTREAL) A Los Angeles man who had not been heard from since he fled to Canada in 1970 to avoid the Vietnam War draft has been found in Montreal, according to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

When Albert “Sleepy” Dominguez missed the 1970 Chicano Moratorium in Los Angeles, noone knew he had quietly slipped out of the country the night before to go underground and avoid conscription to Vietnam.

Dominguez, then 19 years old, went so underground that neither family, friends nor the U.S. government could locate him to inform him that he was never, in fact, drafted.

Mas…Chicano anti-war activist found in Canada after 44 years

Area futbol fans celebrate El Tri’s 3-1 victory over Croatia (photo)

mexicosoccer(PNS reporting from HUNTINGTON PARK, CALIFAS) Hundreds of local athletic supporters — fans of the Mexican World Cup futbol team — celebrated El Tri’s 3-1 victory over Croatia Monday afternoon (photo, above). The celebration was mostly peaceful and Huntington Park police said only four fans were arrested — three for disorderly conduct and one for leaning like a cholo in the wrong direction.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

 

MexiCanada: Montreal mayor fights poutine burritos – ‘pou-tos’

poutineburrito(PNS reporting from MONTREAL, QUEBEC) Authorities here are scrambling to halt the spread of a Mexicanized version of poutine, Canada’s beloved national dish of French fries covered with gravy and cheese.

The increasingly-popular poutine burrito, known as a “pou-to” or “poutito” (photo, above) has already swept through Montreal, and officials fear “pou-tos” will cross the Quebec provincial border into neighboring Ontario.

Mas…MexiCanada: Montreal mayor fights poutine burritos – ‘pou-tos’

Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do on Father’s Day

Father and Son Chile-Eating Contest: Quién es más macho? The East Pocho Optimists Club once again sets up shop at Fernando Valenzuela Field for their annual chile-eating contest, which pits father-son teams against each other to see who can ascend the Picante Podium of Pain. The winning team wins even more chile! Sunday, noon.

Bronche: Angry Bull cocktails (Red Bull, tequila, orange juice) are just $3 and dads get all the Mexican Meatloaf Sliders they want for free on Father’s Day at TGI Viernes in the Rancho Pocho Mall. Sunday 10 AM – 2 PM. Mention my name, Chale Knickerbocker, for a blank stare.

Mas…Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do on Father’s Day

Texas Governor Perry ‘outraged’ at deportation center photos

deporttion640(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Texas Governor Rick Perry was “outraged” after seeing leaked photos of crowded child detainees at the U.S. Border Patrol Detention center in Brownsville, PNS has learned.

“The kind of sloppy detention seen in those photos is a clear waste of space as well as taxpayer dollars,” Perry said in an email sent to aides Monday night.

Perry thinks the centers could squeeze in more detainees using the “tight pack” system long advocated by GOP lobbyist John E. Rebb.

Mas…Texas Governor Perry ‘outraged’ at deportation center photos